Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

My Sister Kathy September 24, 2017


This has been a tough week. I have been short with my husband, I have not used a nice tone on the work radio, there have been many frustrating moments on the bus. I thought it was Shawn related, until I looked at my calendar and pieced together why my emotions had been so bonkers. Turns out, I have been missing my sister Kathy. Today would’ve  been her 59th  I am so grateful that I had gone to meet Kath, in person. We had never been together, as she was given up for adoption, when she was very young.  When I was in my early 20’s Kathy called me explaining who she was. Throughout the years we had many conversations. After Shawn died, Kath checked in on me, every couple of days. When she received a bad report regarding her ovarian cancer, I checked in on her every other day.

It was so neat, we would finish each other’s sentences. We were in sync. The day I walked into her bedroom, in Pennsylvania, we both felt like the other was a kindred spirit. Kathy was first to notice that she was the non-emotional, private type of person. I would  also add, she got the brains.  

After our first talk, back in the early ’80’s, Kathy sent me a package of Pennsylvania things. The only thing, of the many, that I remember, Kathy’s favorite :    Pennsylvania General Store Ed Emerick's Maple Syrup, Pint

It was the best maple syrup I had ever tasted.

 I am going to make audio a post I wrote from my visit with Kathy. A Broken Vessel June 27, 2015


Audio is Available, Just Sharin', My Grief Challenges

What’s Your/My Service ??? September 16, 2017


 On May 20, 2017, President Trump was at a reception ceremony, in Saudi Arabia. All the guests were seated. A calm was over the setting as several  men entered the room. They were dressed in white, each had a gun at their side and they were carrying fancy coffee pots.  There were many guests, it took many to serve. The men moved around the room so effortlessly. The camera was at a good angle to capture the impressive capabilities of one of the men pouring coffee.  As the man was pouring the coffee, he moved the tiny cup up and down. Not a drop spilled !!! I was so amazed.  I have replayed that section, several times.  I thought it was such a beautiful scene to watch. For the life of me I cannot figure out why no one commented on it, at least not that I have heard. I wonder why it happened that I had glanced up and seen this part ?   The soldier was graceful, steady and accurate. I was so impressed !!!

It made me hope that my school bus driving skills, or anything else I do, could appear so effortless.

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My counselor is doing research on a distant relative named Helga. She was an artist, from Iceland in 1858. My counselor is interpreting her many  poems, into English so he can put them into a book.  Throughout our meetings, he has read several of those poems. For some reason, Helga feels like a kindred spirit, if that is possible~with so many years between us. Helga had suffered many losses and hardships. Her words are spot on.  My counselor told me the reason I feel a connection is because Helga and I have a lot in common, even our personalities. 

  At our new church, the elders like folks to figure out what kind of service, each can do, to help the church body. I struggle with this stuff. I never think I am good enough to have any service action that would help others. Near the end of June, during, a church meeting about our church moving to a new church location, I was at the back of the sanctuary, standing and holding tight to the chair in front of me~the kidney stone pain was pretty bad that day, all of a sudden this loud thought came into my head. I wanted to find out if I could be the dish washer. The woman in charge of the kitchen tasks had just stepped into the doorway behind me. I asked her if she needed someone to help with washing dishes ? She kind of chuckled when I told her I love washing dishes by hand and said she could use the help. Turns out there is another person who loves washing dishes, she is from Ghana. How cool is that !?!

In a post on August 12, 2017, I commented on getting to wash dishes for my family, while we were at Seaside. I had told my counselor that I must be strange to like washing dishes. Wait, I do not like washing dishes, I love washing dishes. When I was washing dishes and doing the towel laundry, for my family, at Seaside, it was such a  joy, even the smallest detail.

 So why am I talking about washing dishes ?  Well, during my August visit with my counselor, I was discussing my sadness about not getting to decorate the beach for Shawn and my frustration about being so weird,  like washing dishes.  He told me 3 things: (1) I am an artist; the Christmas card ornaments I make. (2) I am a planner/doer; my beach decorating. Although, this year, I decorated Hillyard Skate Park for Melissa and Shawn:      (3) I am an encourager; my prayer/care notes I send out.  I told my counselor he had given me a lot to sift through, accept and believe. I explained my frustration about how God could ever use someone like me ??? I was told that God gave me those desires/giftings and to keep doing them. God will be glorified through my actions.           I was asked if I had heard about Brother Lawrence and his little book “The Practice of the Presence of God” ? I couldn’t recall it. Well, turns out, he was a dish washer. Below is a little tell of Brother Lawrence:


 The last thing my counselor thought was important for me to know, before our meeting was finished, was that I needed to realize that I do not have a spontaneous nature. I love pattern. How he knew that I do not know. It was explained to me that when something happens, it takes me several hours to adjust or regroup. Yep, that is correct.  Plus, I usually need time alone for the processing to work itself out. I was told that it is okay to be frustrated with delay/change, it just takes me a while to accept and readjust. I explained how embarrassing it is, cuz I feel like folks don’t understand. I was told, again,  I just need to keep doing the things I love. Details will work out eventually.

 So, in my worry about what my service is, it happens to be the things I love to do !!! Who knew !?!