Well *** Okay *** Umph ***
So, for the 3rd month of Shawn’s (Apperson) goneness, I had planned on being at Rockaway. As it turned out, a dear friend of our family died. Our families go back several decades. So I attended Mrs. Paul’s service on 8.2 and was driving home on the 3rd. Making the beach day for the 4th. Close enough.
When Shawn died I had decided that the 3rd month was going to be the time to try and move forward. I have not been able to do much writing, yet, the bumbness has been getting me. I will push on-I know God has my life planned-Psalm 139. I am just having a bit of a time. Back to the beach. I can not part with Shawn’s ashes. So, I decided to laminate: a poster I wrote for him in 1989, and one the the handouts from his service, and a note. I placed all 3 in a plastic blue bottle. I had tried to get to the beach in time for tide out so I could send the bottle on its way. I must have tried 8 times. The bottle came right back to my feet. It was suggested to me to go to Garibaldi and find a fisherman who would be willing to take it for me. I ended up speaking to a captain. He asked what it was for, and I explained-he didn’t seem shocked or bothered. He was planning going far out and would be willing to drop the bottle for me. It might seem silly to folks, but I had to do this as a kind of release. For the rest of that day, I spent many hours walking the shore.
A side note. I have several people in my life with mega difficulties. I usually end up just repeating the name of “Jesus”. For some reason I have been having a hard time finding the words to pray for others as well as myself. So, much of my time at the beach was spent in that way.
I loved that day. It was very cloudy, misty, with the waves roaring powerfully. Just right. There were not a lot of people on that beach that day. When I left that afternoon, less than 5 minutes from the beach=clear blue sky, very warm, and many folks
Another side note. All the years I have loved walking in the sand, has usually left my feet sandy sore. This past year I have been wearing my crocks without socks—no problems.
Maybe next time I write, will talk about July ’13. For this time I am going to share a letter from a friend who lost her daughter several years ago. I have found her words very helpful. She said she wouldn’t mind my sharing.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I do grieve with you and my heart hurts for all you have had to go through in your life. No two person’s grief is alike, but I can say there is no hurt as hard as losing a child. It would be totally unbearable without Jesus in our lives. You can count on some folks (well meaning) to say some really dumb and sometimes very hurtful things. Just believe they were trying to help, smile and give it to Jesus, again, and again.
Will you get over it ? No ! We move thru it as though it’s a thick black mud bog. Some days will be worse than others and sometimes God will give you a moment of divine joy where you might even laugh at something, and then you will feel guilty. Don’t ever feel guilty at anything. They are mostly just feelings and emotions, we as moms and wives, have, they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. The main things is not to let them control you or harm your relationship with Robert or your kids or family. That can only be done knowing where your strength comes from. Have your husband hold you and pray over you, everyday, and you for him.He is your provider and protector, and Jesus wants you to draw closer to Him and each other. Stay on a good schedule of work, nutrition, fresh air, walks, talks, and rest. You will most likely feel pain in your heart area. That is normal as a piece was torn off. That’s why nutrition and exercise is so important. Ask for continued prayer from your church and friends. It really works. I will have you in my prayers everyday, all day. You will be seeing Shawn again in Heaven. He had all this time to decide and Jesus loves him more than anyone. Jesus especially loves children and He is so proud of Shawn saving those children. What a man you brought into this world. I love and cherish you so much and wish I was closer to you. Know that I am here for you anytime. day or night. Take your vitamins and a sleep aid , if necessary, but avoid other drugs, if possible, they mask the grief, which needs to come out.
Standing in the gap for you as you did for me.
I know I keep throwing thoughts out-that is just me.
I find I have to be near windows so I can look out and up. Just ???
Bye for now, K