To family and friends,
This is my grief letter, I am hoping that it will help ease some of the questions and tensions that have come up because of Shawn’s death-which left his and my relationship unfinished, and me changed/ing.
The story behind “The Shawn Situation”, has been extremely painful. You see, I was told on Easter 2013, that I was torturously keeping Shawn alive. A very dark day for me.
On Shawn’s last Tuesday, I explained to him, what was probably going to happen, in the next few days. Shawn cried, as did I. My emotions were so overwhelming that I had to leave Shawn’s room, for the night. How could a loving Mom leave her child at such a time ??? Daily, I am haunted/tormented, wondering if I did all I could for him.
I am, now, trudging through a very deep valley of “false guilt”, as well as other emotions and changes.
Loss is loss no matter how it happened, or even how permanent it is-a relationship on hold. The agony, for me, has actually caused my heart to ache. My doctor assures me that this is a normal sign of grief.
At this point, there are so many triggers. I am more emotional, more intense than before. I am a dot crosser and with my world being turned upside down, I am out of sorts, as to what to do next. This is a very lonely place.
At this point, I do not have any reserves. So, I won’t be as helpful, as I was before. In other words, do not expect anything from me-for the time being.
There are many times I am gulping down emotions and cannot get a response out, to those passing by. I am not trying to be rude.
For me what really works: “wordless signs of care”= a wave, a tap, a smile, hugs. I came up with that phrase, by myself, and I love it!!!
I would appreciate prayer for peace and comfort and for bad anymares-not just nightmares, to ease. I, also, need prayer about being more gracious and understanding- I know it is scarey for you all to wonder what to do or not to do. We all have a lot to learn.
I need folks to pause before asking “How are you doing?”, at this point. Unlike Shawn’s WBC numbers, we watched, earnestly, my situation can not be calculated. Again, “wordless signs of care”, are very powerful.
I pray God would give each of you patience and courage, when it comes to dealing with me. Also, I do not have the plague.
Do not worry about all these changes happening in me, it only adds to the uncomfortableness of this situation.
Know this, when I was in my early teens, God gave me many scriptures to memorize. I, now, hold on to them tightly. I do trust God. But, at this time, I am afraid to open the hope door. I know I will selfishly want anything to ease this journey.
I am very thankful for all of you, as you have been on this journey with me, for several months, now. Thank you for caring/bravely. Thank you for the moments you have taken out of your busy day to send words to heaven regarding my situation.
P.S. Don’t waste precious moments wondering how you would handle a loss. That is a path to travel at that moment. Build your relationship with God, memorize scripture to have to hold, in those turmoil filled moments, and cherish friends who can be there, no matter~~~
I did try to be organized, with my thoughts-some day.
I hope I have not offended folks by sharing my grief letter.
To family and friends,