My Grief Challenges

~~~5 Months Gone~~~

I had written this Oct. 3rd, for Shawn’s 5 months gone,  but my emotions, I just couldn’t post~~~this grief stuff-pardon me- {sucks!!!}.

Today was rough, 5 months since Shawn died. It feels like the hole is growing.  It is still so hard for me to accept, I hate Shawn’s goneness.   I have seen several interviews with people telling their story of how they lost body parts. They have good attitudes, they are strong-what is my problem ???
Here is something neat. Today, a friend of mine was able to take a photo of Shawn, in an igloo he had built-3 weeks after E was born, and she made it my screen saver-how sweet. Little things like that are the wordless signs of care, that help in rough times.
I had another visit with Dr. S. He gave me a new assignment, after he had placed the acupuncture needles. I found the assignment too daunting, so, I decided to first apply it to Melissa. This read is a conversation I could easily have had with Shawn. FYI= these conversations are just my way of finishing our unfinished relationship-as I try to move FORWARD through this grief valley. I will be interested in looking back, later, to see how this grew me. God knows what each of us needs.

9244a4b34ec161ea5d00ff52aa7034d0   P.S. The Steelers are my preferred team. I do not know if Melissa has a preference.

Hey Shawn !!!

Yah, Mom, what’s up ?

Well, since you have been gone, life has been very trying for Melissa. Her school and test schedules have been quite the challenge. She also worries that she isn’t being the great Auntie she would love to be. She feels her life has to be put on hold or her studies/scores will suffer.

I know Mom, plus, you and Melissa have always had to work harder, than most, at the brainy stuff.

Well, I have an idea I hope would be of some encouragement for her. Maybe, it can help her to face her school foe, and us, our “new normal”.

Mom, it sounds like you are up to your unique way of dealing with things.

As a matter of fact, my doctor gave me an assignment and I wanted to find a way to turn it to help Melissa. I will do mine, later. Melissa is my most important person, to help, at the moment.

Okay, Mom. I’m listening, what’s your idea ?

I need you to imagine Melissa at a sports stadium, participating in an event. The game time is running out and the other team is in the lead. It has been a tough game, not many plays have gone the way they were planned. Melissa is exhausted, and is wondering what good is this for, anyway? Before the last play is made, she looks up into the stands, w here she sees family and friends there to support her. I wonder what kind of encouraging phrases could be thought of? This is just a tough time and she needs to know folks are cheering her on.
I have a few phrases, I came up with:
!!! MELISSA: this is for you!!!
Have no doubt~~~Determine to succeed~~~You can prevail~~~Put your stubborn on~~~Focus on the goal~~~Fluster, be gone~~~Deep slow breaths~~~Keep on trying~~~Stick to the plan~~~You have come through tough times-You can do it again~~~With God on your side-FORWARD is the way~~~Courage, strength and hope are the wind at your back~~~Defeat, don’t retreat~~~

Hey Mom, you mentioned cheering. I remember when we were living in Johnson City, in the new double wide. Melissa had found your college cheer-leading outfit. She wanted to make you happy by putting it on and doing some cheer things.

I can remember it as if it had happened, yesterday. It was a cute moment. I remember telling the two of you, that I was the WORST cheerleader in the history and future of the world.

Mom, did you come up with any more phrases ?

Oh, yes !!!
You’re a trooper~~~Keep steppin’ FORWARD~~~Fight the good fight~~~You, can make this happen~~~Chin up, shoulders back, FORWARD on !!!~~~There is still hope~~~God’s love restores~~~Face your Goliath~~~You matter to us~~~Keep looking FORWARD~~~Faithful to the end~~~Focus on the goal.
~~~Just a side-Shawn was big on the word FORWARD, especially, with driving directions.

Mom, I, really don’t think you need any help coming up with encouraging phrases!!!

I, do have another idea. When Melissa gets irkitated, she does this cute growl kind of noise, and she likes pink.  pink caps scarf 003 How neat it would be if everyone, in the stadium, had pink towels to wave while making the growl noise. GRRR, GRRR, GRRR !!!4778c5b32164c90a21f27db2cf04422d

Ummm, not to interrupt. I love those ideas, but I would like to do this for her from me. With the stadium quiet. At the top of my voice I would yell—I LOVE YOU, MELISSA, I’M ROOTING FOR YOU—DO THE BEST YOU CAN—I KNOW YOU WILL—KEEP PRESSING FORWARD !!!   547236_619090274786289_55686838_n
I just know my big sis can be triumphant !!! Mom, Melissa needs your hand. You both have strengths that can help each other, as you both move FORWARD !!!
Bye for now, K

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One thought on “~~~5 Months Gone~~~

  1. Hi Kathy: I read through your posts in which you wrote from Shawn’s perspective. I don’t thing there is anything “weird” about them at all. Clearly it is you voicing what you know he would have said or thought. I think it is a good technique to explore and express your feelings and you are wise to use it. I hope that the grief class last night was comforting to you when they expressed that our loved ones are living in perfect love and understand about our true feelings for them and all about the circumstances of their passing. On another note. I was able to read a couple comments from others on some of your posts but could not find the one I left that you commented on. Blessings of peace. Terrie

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