Nuggets from September. A little late, but I have been, well ~~~
1. Bus stuff:
It is always a relief to get the first few weeks of a new school year, completed.
Route memorized, new work phone-learned, reference points for parking bus in its space- figured out.
These words sent me into overload= “Kathy, pull over, we have a lost child”. Those words were called to me 3 times. Since Shawn died, I do not want any parent to have even a tiny glimpse of what it is like to lose a child.
I used to get such a kick from Edith Bunker’s voice. I transport this little kindy, his voice, inflections and tone remind me of her, only from a little boy. How does that happen ? I love hearing him, it makes me chuckle. He is the last drop of my kindy run-needless to say, I try to come up with as many questions as I can.
Sometimes, I think I cannot get through driving days, I am thankful that my schedule allows for me to have a couple times where I can be parked, in the bus spot, and decompress= I just let the emotions do their thing. I sure hope my boss doesn’t pull the tape-I don’t do anything wrong- I just know how depressing it would be to listen to. Hard as it may be, I do the job because it forces me to not stay in the rutz.
2. Realization moments verses numb moments:
Another overload: September 11, 2013, I received photos showing me where Shirley’s ashes were placed. Shirley was my bio-mom. It had been my hope to get to meet her, before she died, but that was not meant to be. For some reason this was the start of a trigger.
The next day, I was at a school, ready for the first stop. While waiting, I was hit full in the heart-a moment of realization~~~a true knowing that Shawn was never coming back. Yes, I know he is gone-in my mind-my heart has not caught up with that reality. Time elapsed and I was late for my first stop. I have been told to expect more times of realization. So far, I have had 3-I totally dread the next one. I do not like these moments, not one bit. If I had my way, I would rather by-pass the realization moments. I have come to be thankful for the “numb” moments. I can go through a day, “numb”, and am not affected by anything, just go through the motions.
False guilt continues to be a problem. I know the 3 signs God gave me-showing Shawn’s body was shutting down-still, did Shawn know I was fighting, hard, for him ? Going back a few years, I am wondering if I made myself available, to Shawn, when we were going through some very rough times. Another overload. I have decided that I prefer “numb” moments over the realization and false guilt moments. At this time.
Sleep has been another area where the realization moments caused me a lot of ???. I hated going to sleep-I knew if I did, once I woke I would have to face the fact that this is not a nightmare. Those moments aren’t so bad, now.
I still am worried/scared that I will forget Shawn.
3. I learned:
It can take, maybe, 2 years to accept Shawn’s death. I learned that grief is my guest. I am not crazy, just real and raw, with no sugar coating. Grief is chaotic, needs to be expressed, is sad, maddening, length-cannot be determined, individually unique.
Grief is not: weakness, immaturity, caused because I need a backbone or because of sin. It is a process the whole body goes through when we have precious people vacate our lives. Alone times are fine to have, just not on a constant basis.
The pups T & T (Tiger & Tuffy), went to see Dr.C, today. Our conversation ended on grief. He lost a brother, a few years ago. The question I went away with: How do we find joy in our losses ? I will be curious to reread these posts, down the road and see how God made a beautiful plant grow from hard, slow draining, bothersome-staining clay soil.
One more thing I learned, I need to be like a duck.I may have mentioned this before, but obviously, it is an issue for me. Mind you, my duck voice is, very good. I need to learn how to let what folks say, roll off. I know I don’t always say the right thing, so why would I expect perfect words or sentiments, from others ?
5 tasks I have been given:
Accept Shawn’s death
Give release to emotions
Cherish and store memories
Separate my identity from Shawn
Reinvest in life.
In time I hope to better understand these, and how to do them.
Dr. S. gave me a new assignment-I am still struggling with it. Glad for a few more weeks until the next visit. Dr.S and I had discussed my emotions, while he placed acupuncture needles. He impressed upon me, that I need to make sure I use kind and gracious speech, toward everyone. I, also, need to be understanding-he asked me how many of my family and friends had known a parent who had lost a child ? Expect that folks aren’t going to know how to respond-they may just avoid me. In the previous post, I had taken that assignment and applied it to Melissa. I have not been able to apply it to myself, yet.
I hope this hasn’t left your minds, whirling. I am trying not to wander, too much, while writing. I am very thankful that I cannot view your red pen marks. Oh well !!!
Bye for now, K