As far back as I can remember, I have liked Mondays. Not today-Oct. 14,’13. I should have figured something was brewing. I ate the foods my doctor wants me to eat, tried chewing a bunch of gum, cough drops, drinks, all made me sick to my stomach. There was an awful ache deep in my gut, and my heart was filled with intense agony and emptiness.
I need to add, for whatever reason; I, recently, had someone tell me that I made a god of Shawn and that is why his death is so hard for me, and if I were a true believer, I would be doing better by now. I am still processing their words.
To continue, I, then, thought if I completed a couple of chapters in my Grief/Share workbook, that I might find some enlightenment. No. The strange feeling continued to grow, despite my efforts to grasp at anything to squelch the turmoil within. I did know nothing was going to keep this ~~~~~~~~ from happening. I was still unsure, though, what was going on within me. I am sure, by now, you readers have figured out that I was having a dreaded realization moment-but it took me a while to put pieces together-and or, to accept it. Once I, sort-of, realized what might be happening, I started hoping I could imagine it away-mind over matter, to stop it.. No. What did my body know that myself couldn’t see or didn’t want to accept? AND, how is it my body has it’s own way of dealing with this grief stuff ? I, myself, could come up with a better way, I am just sure of it.
My favorite place is the ocean shore. When I am at the shore and I gaze out to the vastness, I am reminded of how big God is and how wee I am. Well, today, was like being at the ocean shore. I can look out far enough to see the wave building as it’s approach is inevitable (a realization moment). I cannot determine how hard it will hit, or even if I will be able to remain standing.
Ready for PM runs. I was checked in and ready to leave the bus lot. The slam hit full into my heart, hard, piercing and shattering. A realization moment. OH, MAN !!! How was I going to be able to see through the tears ??? How was I going to drive to the school ??? Is there any way to take a detour from this moment ???
Tears wiped, time to head out. All of a sudden, Proverbs. 3:5-6 (one of the scriptures I memorized in my teen years) started flooding my whole being, while I was driving. As I approached the school, I was shocked that not a tear had fallen since I left the bus lot. While waiting for the lead bus-I had been warned it would be late, a thought kept running through my head “Don’t dread the realization moments, write about them”. Why write? was my immediate thought. I know so many others-word gifted, smart and more concise than I could ever be. Plus, I am not sure why this gut wrenching realness would be anything anyone would want to read about. “Write”, would not leave my head. I scribbled out almost a page, pulled forward and was enveloped in penning, when all of a sudden there were first graders at the bus door. There was not a moment to spend dreading, my passengers had issues they needed Mrs. K (me) to solve.
First part of route was complete. Next, time for SoJos to get a lecture. This year their behavior had been so awful. The other passengers had started copying this bad behavior. No one was angry as I lectured my displeasure to them. It had been awful: disrespectful, unsafe and not appropriate-I had the video to prove it. They all seemed to realize that Mrs. K had been patient and they certainly did not want referrals sent out. They willingly sat where directed. I made sure we were all on the same page, regarding safe and acceptable bus riding manners. Time to be on the road-where did the time go ?
It was my hope that there would be no glitches and I could complete the run and have a couple moments to write, while waiting for my high school passengers. Nope. The second stop; Lil A’s sitter, was not there. Yes, he is a first grader and I could have let him out, to wait to be picked up. When I am uncomfortable, in situations like this, I call dispatch, with the most ignorant manner I can muster. Today, we decided that it just didn’t feel right leaving Lil’ A. A side note. This little guy is dear to me-for whatever reason. He has had some issues dealing with other passengers, too rough. Mind you, he is one of the smallest passengers. His friends told me that his Mom died. I don’t know any of the details. Dispatch decided I would take Lil’ A back to school-after my whole elementary route was finished. Dispatch wanted a guess of the time I could make it back to the school. My last stop is Happy Valley Day Care. I was asked if I would be able to make it in 10 minutes, after my last stop, back to Mil.Elem.? I tried not to laugh. HVDC to Mil.Elem-10 minutes- in the afternoon ??? I know I can get the bus moving, but… When these, back to school situations happen, I always HOPE to be met at the school. Saves me securing the bus, getting out and walking all the way around into school-10 more minutes it adds to my lateness. You see, I then needed to get back to CHS, out in Happy Valley, for my high school passengers. With 3:30-afternoon traffic ! The shocking thing is, with all this extra stress driving, I never once had any anxiousness or upsetness. I was a calm and collected driver, and was only a few minutes late for my high school passengers. Quite the unique distraction while enduring a tense realization moment.
This realization moment had a longer build up and was very intensely painful. A common it shares with baby labor: the build up to the pain, the lessening-sort of, and the restart. Each painful moment more intense and closer in time to the previous. I could handle labor~3 days with Shawn~ and delivery-I knew my babies were going to be born. But, these realization moments what good can come from them, caused by the death of one of my children ???
I have always enjoyed the full moon. This week the sky has been clear and the air has been calm. AM and PM my eyes have been drawn upward, many times, to enjoy the beautifully intense and brilliant glow.
All in all, this has been a very difficult week. MANY trying issues that have nothing to do with missing Shawn.
I will close now, I just saw how long this turned out.
I do hope all of you can find the positives sprinkled throughout this penning.
I keep wondering if anyone else understands what is happening inside me? Maybe explain, and tell how they got through it ???
Bye for now, K