My Grief Challenges

Oh, Poor PorQ !!! October 26, 2013

I will start with this happening-I can’t seem to let it go, yet. An acquaintance hopped on my bus, at a school, to ask a route question. He caught me by surprise, during one of my moments. Tears all over my face. He asked what was wrong. I told him I was missing my son. I just have a hard time with Shawn’s death. He said he didn’t understand why that was so hard.   This might be one of the moments I need to put my duck on.   Will I ever get good at not being shocked?

Back on task.

I was going to re-post a small section from the first PorQ video, I seem to be misunderstanding the directions. In time I will get this stuff figured out-I hope.  So, for now, if you scroll all the way down to the first PorQ video, fast forward to 1:33,  please volume down-I was louder than I would prefer. The place PorQ is at is where I could see the blood. When I re-watch this, it is as if he was looking for his mom.        2 PorQ 20130528_112502

I met PorQ at my Mom & Dad’s, while getting ready for Shawn’s funeral.
When talking to Dad, he was curious if PorQ was eating. Which he was, some grass and a little bit from some plants.
I told Dad that on the stoop where I had first heard PorQ, there was some blood. PorQ would sniff and then look up, with such a sad sense. Dad figured PorQ’s mom must have been badly hurt and knew this was a safe place to leave her baby. Mind you, our family has lived in that house, over 50 years. This was the first time Dad had seen a baby porcupine, there.  Dad was clear in letting me know he did not want the porcupine to feel too welcomed. He suggested we take PorQ across the road~~~that event can be shared later. I wish someone could have recorded Lorrie and myself-from over top. It makes me chuckle as I recall our efforts to help PorQ.
This precious little critter, all alone, in a strange place, with no protector. What surprised me was that this little guy didn’t seem to mind, one bit, that I was holding this object in it’s face-recording it’s every movement. He had gotten so close to me, several times, that I could have easily picked him up. My heart hurt, as I wondered what was going to happen to him? Where would he end up? Would he be safe?   Humph~~~all these questions had enveloped me over the past several months-regarding my Shawner. With both-Shawn and PorQ, I was beyond sadness as far as what I could do to help.

~~~Just an FYI: PorQ’s hair was so very fine that with a slight breeze, the strands of hair would part, revealing the quills, even on top of his head. To hold and try to comfort this critter was not doable. Some of the quills looked like they could do some damage, and, do these critters carry rabies ? That takes me back to Shawn. He had so many  burnt places all over his body-he couldn’t be touched. We were constantly being told to cover up because of infections that could be spread around.   What could I do, for either?
Regarding PorQ, there was a time I grabbed some healthy chips and sprinkled them on the ground. PorQ only sniffed at them, and went to nibble on a weed.  I tried.
Tears trickle, even now, as I wrestle with my memories of my limited abilities to help either Shawn or PorQ. Each, also, did bring moments of joy. Again, when these moments of incredible inadequacies happen, I must cling to Psalm 139 and trust. You may grow tired of my repeating that chapter, but, overload happens-easily. For me, for now, it is best to have one comforting chapter to cling to-not so overwhelming.
There are many events I recorded of PorQ. I have enjoyed watching them. I hope not to forget later that day, watching PorQ walk the path between the upper field and our yard. I watched until I could no longer see even the smallest movement of the plants he went wandering through. When Shawn was at the end, I kept watching~~~with little whispers to God~~~I know if You wanted to, You could heal Shawn-even now~~~I watched until I could no longer see any sign of life. Even as the color drained and cold came over Shawn’s body, I still kept whispering to God… Mind you, I was not begging for my way.

You may be struggling with a connection or seeing any helpful ideas. Maybe this will help. At work, this week, several friends commented on how they just don’t know what to say or do to help. These same people wanted me to know they cared and that I was not to ever think I am a burden to them. They actually told me they love me and care about me.
In my tellings, I hope it is clear that I never once counted Shawn a burden, even though there was much frustration because there was not a lot I could do. I loved Shawn dearly. I miss him greatly.   Even though I only had a few moments with PorQ, he, to, touched my heart.
So, in any situation that shows us our inadequacies, don’t be afraid to share concern, care and love.

~~~A side note~~~the spelling of PorQ actually came from Bob-my hub. He knows I like unique names and to make a point I tweak with spellings-not to diminish the English language- call it creativeness.

One more thing—I used exclamation marks in the How Are You post, because so much of the time it is said as a statement not a true wondering.

Bye, for now, K


2 thoughts on “Oh, Poor PorQ !!! October 26, 2013

  1. Michele Dixon says:

    People shy away from what they don’t understand. It is human nature. They also shy away from what they don’t want to face. Just a thought.


  2. Thanks Michele, I have been doing some reading on being gracious-not just with my words, but with my thoughts and actions. I guess this is a learning time for a lot of us. I need to get better at letting issues go right to God-my mind is too small to try and figure how He is working through all this, or through whom. Caringly,, K


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