My Grief Challenges

What A Week ! November 17, 2013

I want to start with this song, I first heard “Oceans” by United, on my July beach trip. It is spot on, for me.               

Okay, back on task.
The events that made for a strange week.

For the 1st event: I need to go back a bit. A few weeks ago, at work, us bus drivers were alerted to the fact that those of us who park at the church lot, need to check our cars before leaving.  Apparently, lug nuts are the target. One driver was on the Expressway. At 40 MPH his wheel came off and went across all lanes of traffic. He was not hurt, nor was anyone else-unbelievable. A week or so later, another driver noticed something unusual. His lugs had been messed with. Last Sunday, as I was driving to church, I heard a strange noise, after the railroad tracks, the noise disappeared. It was the same noise I had heard leaving work on Friday. I had thought, then,  it was the old pick up I had been driving next to. When Bob drove the van to me so I could leave church early, we both decided to investigate the strange noise. One lug was rolling around in the hub cover. I looked at all the hub covers, the two on the right had been messed with-screw driver marks-that I knew weren’t there before.
I am so irkitated at myself because, the previous Wednesday = 11.6.’13, I had seen 3, unfamiliar people, as I was heading to my car. One of the guys was carrying something under his right sleeve, the girl kept glancing back. The 3 kept laughing as they walked to the church parking lot. I was having a “missing Shawn moment”. All I wanted to do was get in my wee car and shut the world out. I watched as the 3 went and stood at the field area. My gut was torn, deal with my pain or watch the strangers. I left.
I was told in G/S class that the week of 11.14.13, there had been several car break-ins and other car destruction, in our vicinity. I should have put my pain aside and at least watched the strangers. Be aware, just because your lugs are covered, does not mean they won’t get messed with.

The 2nd strange event:
For Monday, in the afternoon, I had just dropped my last PM student. An all call came through. A bus had broken down, anyone close and willing to do a bus trade would be appreciated. I won’t go into the agonizing details. BUT…Happy Valley Middle is not Rock Creek. Scouters Mountain is not Rock Creek. It took some time to get the details figured out.  I thank God I drove safely-while under great angst. I had to do a turn around, in an unknown area. It was about a 5 point turn around-I didn’t want to take any chance of bumping even a curb, with my toe hooks. No one was put in any danger, as I had to do some fancy maneuvering of the bus, and then finally arriving at Rock Creek Middle. Also, any bus driver knows, when parking a different bus, in its location, in the dark, is very stressful. I was actually pleased with my park job. As I was getting ready to leave that bus, I saw my bus-that driver was out of the seat before I could ask if he wanted me to park my bus. I learned I am not the only driver that doesn’t like parking in a different spot ?  Needless to say, I will not be volunteering for a long time.
I need to add this next part-there are many who get upset because I say, “my bus”. No, it is not “my bus”. The buses are owned by the school district. Each driver ends up being known by the bus number they drive. The mechanics say, “Your bus is fixed and ready to drive.” I hope that is clear as mud.

*** A side note.
Wednesdays are still hard.
This past Wednesday, a few of us drivers (the early birds) were getting ready for AM runs. One of the drivers was sharing her awful experience from the day before. Apparently, a deer had tried to run across I205. It was hit by more than one car. The driver teared as she struggled trying to find the words to describe how awful it was to watch the life drain from the poor deer.    Since I always have my dark glasses on, no one saw my tears. I blinked many back-I did not want this driver to think I didn’t care for her tough time. I was not going to say-I do know how awful it is to watch life drain. I had watched as it drained from my own child. I gulped, took a breath, and then I told her I had something that would help cheer her. All were quiet. I am sure what I did say was not what anyone expected. I proceeded to explain the events of my volunteer excursion to help another bus driver. To my delight, she left for her run with a smile on her face. I was able to, quickly, get my bus keys and tearfully walk to my bus-no longer able to blink away my memories of Shawn’s last moments. This song, “Broken Hallelujah” by The Afters was playing on the radio, during my pre-trip time:

I did learn a positive from the above writing. For many years—not complaining—I have had rosacea. Several years ago, it became ocular, as well. To help protect my sensitive eyes, my eye doctor has me wear special sunglasses. I can even wear them when driving in the dark. They conceal the welling tears and the puffiness and the redness.  Who would have thought, a positive from rosacea ???

The 3rd thing of my strange week:
I am usually the first to park in the church parking lot-out back. Then walk to the back gate to get to the bus lot. The mornings are dark, now, and there is a wooded area. For some reason, I have become extremely apprehensive by any noises of unseens.  This Friday morning, however, I was even more anxious.   Have you ever been walking somewhere and you knew you were being followed ?  Well, that is the very thing that happened to me. I knew I heard something, on the grass-it was slow and quiet. I knew it wouldn’t have been a deer-they scamper. The rabbits flee and are small. With one big bag on my left shoulder, and a lighter one in my other hand, I was prepared to put the hurt on to anyone who thought they could sneak up on me. The alert I had mentioned before regarding checking our cars, has put all of us drivers in to a reactive mode. I quickened my pace.     What, another noise !!!  Nope, just me wheezing. I was praying the gate would be unlocked and I could hop in my bus, it is right at the back gate. I knew I could grab the fire extinguisher and do some damage-if needed. My nerves were in high motion mode. I, eventually, made it to the bus house. I had routing papers to work through and forgot about my strange walk in. It wasn’t long and other drivers started arriving. I overheard someone ask if anyone had seen the coyote.  I went to hear the details.  I was elated. The follower or noise I heard was the coyote-it has been around there for a few years, usually, it runs when we come around. I was so relieved to learn I had not imagined the happening.

So, the lug-nut, the bus trade saga and the coyote, only added to the things I was trying to deal with, this past week.   At the top of my list: getting ornaments completed, figuring out what is okay as far as grief goes—there are so many issues others are dealing with-I hurt for them and feel guilty for being sad for myself. The hardest issue is dealing with Shawn’s goneness. How do I find the positive in his death ? What is true joy ? Who am I ? Folks, I know, for many, these questions don’t make sense. I am just trying to work through ???, and who knows, maybe someone will have insight and the courage to share.

I do have a a gigantic positive. When I realized it, I was amazed by a pleasant peace. This is the best way I can think for writing it. There are very many people I could have hate for.  As I over-heard someone talking to another person, at work, I was shocked to hear such venomous speech. As I heard more, while doing some paperwork, it saddened me to learn that a very small incident had caused the misunderstanding. For some reason a thought fluttered through my brain. I could share a number of happenings, to me, that would pale their story. The difference is folks would say I have a right to be upset or hate those who have caused me such pain.
But, no, because even though the happenings are still very vivid in my mind, I have no hate or hostile feelings, towards any of the offenders. In fact, I was shocked to run through the list, in my head, each one I had let go to God for His dealings, and hope for help with my attitude. You cannot know how wonderful it was for me to realize this. I do not want to dwell on the negatives of others, or how they dealt with me, so unfairly. It is so freeing to leave God in charge of His creation. I am pretty sure, in time, I will be able to see how God was growing each of us-though the way He chooses seems so raw.
This song seems fitting, here:  Job 19:25 is the scripture for “My Redeemer” by Nicole C. Mullen                

Here’s hoping this isn’t too confusing, or too much for you all to handle. Just remember, it is just how Kathy is .
Bye, for now, K


One thought on “What A Week ! November 17, 2013

  1. Pam Pauley says:

    Kathy, when grieving it just seems like every little incident is magnified. It is so frustrating.
    One thing I will share that helped me through the first Christmas is that we got an angel off an Angel Tree for a boy named Aaron and helped to make his Christmas happy in Aaron’s name. We were fortunate because we all spent Christmas in Texas at Teka’s house so Bob and I didn’t even decorate.
    Just an aside: The poster showed up. I find a lot of comfort in the cf posts.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s