My Grief Challenges

Learning GPS ??? December 2, 2013

An unusual fall, I was having fairly good health, so, I decided to go to a Christmas Bazaar, December 1, 2012. I needed to get a lamb shape for the 2013 ornament. My goal was to spend Christmas break getting the template made for the 2013 ornament.
Since I was still uncomfortable with the new phone, Bob-my precious husband, had bought for me, hoping it would get better reception where ever I was. Bob thought I should use the GPS to find my way to the bazaar. Thus, get more comfortable with this new phone, I had hardly used.
I knew how I would have gone to the EXPO center, but thought it would be good to see what the phone said. I took many wrong turns, on purpose, to see how good this future lifeline would work.  It was actually fun. It didn’t get us lost.  If you want to know someone who can get lost easy, here I am !
At the CHRISTMAS bazaar, I was shocked. I figured this would be the easiest place to find a lamb shape. Finally, at the last booth, a place for wool and knitting , I found the shape I was looking for. Here is where my sadness was, I had gone to every booth, trying to find anything that promoted the true meaning of Christmas. There may have been 3. This made me start thinking about the ornaments I have made since 2003. Why have I made the ones I had ? There wasn’t anything like them or their idea. Plus, I started thinking what a waste of time= all the years, all the hours, all the blisters, for what ? No one else seemed to be on the same wave length. It was quite an alone feeling !!! I, actually, went away, rather sad. But alas, I had my lamb shape.

Later that day.
The memory of my last conversation with Shawn, hangs over me with such heaviness. I want to find the positive, but there is too much sadness, yet.
You see, Shawn called, it was the later part of the night. With our schedules, it had been difficult to speak with each other, very often.
Shawn was so excited that I would be willing to help them with their wedding plans, for July 2013. He had often told me that he didn’t know anyone that was as creative as I was. Is that just what a son would say ? We had also discussed a trip to the beach, in June 2013, just the 2 of us. You see, since Shawn had come back, we hadn’t had that much time together-we were, kind of like strangers. Then, silly me-I still had Shawn at 11 years old, but he was, now, in his mid 20s. So many years, so many changes-how does one pick up, from where ???  Shawn knew-most anyone who knows me, knows the beach is my favorite place to be, and he thought it would be good for our relationship.     ***Current day thought-I could have done more to help our relationship move forward, but I failed my son.
Continuing with our last phone call, Shawn was so excited about his wedding plans. Bless his heart. He had been a participant for J-he didn’t leave all to her-he wanted to help with input so she wouldn’t have to feel so overwhelmed. A lot of guys don’t get that involved. I loved that in him, he got involved and wasn’t ashamed and enjoyed the doing togethers.   There was, however, another situation that needed dealing with. So, I moved the topic to that situation, hoping all others involved would be reconciled. Shawn assured me all issues were fine and not to worry. I kept pressing, earnestly, not meaning to diminish his wedding excitement. I just had this ??? to make sure all relationships were on a positive track. Many times Shawn assured me, things were fine and he didn’t want me to worry. To this day, I can hear him say “Mom…”.
I told him how important it was to not leave any issues un-dealt with. There was such angst, turmoil a scarey heaviness-it affected the call, because I was worried about……..???
Shawn, always was big on making sure the grandchildren spoke with Gram K~~~which brings me to another moment I struggle with. This, GPS weekend, Bob wanted to get messages off the answering machine-it was full. Since Shawn and I had just spoken, I said, “yes”, delete his messages. I knew that on a couple of my old flip phones, I had precious messages from Shawn. I did not know that once that phone number is transferred, it might not be easy to retrieve said messages-so~~~it might not be such a bad idea-because of our technology-to save a spoken message from each dear person. Just sayin’.
I will pick up from here, in a few hours. Following the events as they happened this time last year, as close as I can.   Why ? You might find yourself asking.   I do not know why.
Bye for now,K

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