My Grief Challenges

Such A Day !!! December 5, 2013

This is a post, I wrote when it finally dawned on me that the December 2012 fire, in Spokane, was at Shawn’s.

February 6 near Happy Valley
How many times will this scene play out in my head ? Since I am a very visual person, the vivid video rewind seems to get hit a lot- not by my choice. I remember that Tuesday morning so clearly.
I had just finished my pre-trip, on the bus, with enough time to make one more restroom stop, before leaving on AM runs. I recall walking into the bus house and many of the drivers had their eyes fixed on the news, on the east wall TV. I glanced over my left shoulder and saw a little child on an emergency rig bed. I heard the words: Spokane and fire. I recall my words -spoken internally, “Thank God that is not Shawn’s house”. As I was walking out of the bus house the story was still on the situation.
I did my job. As usual I did not turn on my , fairly, new phone. Bob had insisted I needed the upgrade and I was having troubles attaching to it. Later that day, for some reason, while waiting for my PM New Urban passengers, I decided to turn this mini computer on and see what I could figure out. After-all, I had learned how to work the GPS part, just a few days prior, maybe I could learn something, in this short time.
As it was, Melissa had left a strange message about Shawn being in a fire, but he was alive. At least I thought that is what she had said-her words were hard to understand. (It turns out, the fire, in Spokane, was Shawn’s house, the little boy, on the emergency rig bed, was my grandson-Lil’ S–Grama K’s name for him.) (That would be revealed, days later-as the pieces were put together)        Back to my bus/run. My head was spinning.        Here came my passengers. They were in a silly mood-which I quickly interrupted, saying “I’m not in the mood today, sorry.” I wish I could have heard Melissa better-her voice was so strange. A couple of tears tried escaping, but I shut the door and put my bus driverness into motion. My gut was in a big knot. What had happened ? How was Shawn ? Had something bad really happened ? It is usually the other person affected by a house fire-this couldn’t be for realz. I, gut wrenchingly, urgently needed Shawn to know I loved him-I hope he did.     Why hadn’t I turned my phone on earlier ? If Shawn was alive-how bad were things ? How were the grandchildren ? How was J and what about Kloe dog ?      That last trip of the day was the longest, and harder than going through my bus training !!!
The run finished, bus parked. Lickedy split I was in the bus house, turning in keys, checking my mail, fumbling with route book to get it into it’s slot. I realized I was shaking, and tears were welling. One of my dear friends wanted to chat-asking how I was. I think I eeked out that I was in a hurry, I needed to know if my son was alive-I darted for my car.
At home, I do not know what I told Bob. I was throwing things together~~~this part I don’t have much recollection of. Somehow, I was in my van heading to Seattle-with my new life-line-the updated mini-computer Bob had, providentially, insisted I needed. It was dark and rainy and where in the world was this Harborview Hospital ? I know I kept hoping Shawn would be alive when I arrived.   I hope family will tell me some of the details that are missing.
There were various questions/thoughts kept running through my head. Why did God think Shawn and I needed this stress in our relationship ? How I could handle this ? I felt so bad for Shawn having to have a biggest wimp of a mom -it is not something that can be shoved under the carpet. I know at one point I called Bob and my mom—well, I think I did.
Then it hit me, just a few days prior, I had learned the GPS part of the phone. God made this mini computer get me to the hospital !!!  While trying to park, I thought I was doing something wrong. Usually, when I am backing into a parking spot, which is my preferred, I do a fine job. Not this time, I couldn’t make myself fit. Well, I actually was in the spot perfect. As I checked to make sure my rig was locked, I realized, the parking spaces were very narrow. I had done a fine job. To this day, I have no idea how I got anywhere, parked or what all I actually did-that awful December 4th, 2012.
Bein’s it was late, I had to go through a different entrance- I wonder how I knew that ? I was being checked/scanned in. They wanted to know who I was here to see. I said I was Shawn Apperson’s mom. Their demeanor changed quickly-someone was going to escort me, ASAP, but the person behind me needed to be checked in first-so I waited. They asked the young man who he was going to visit. He became irritated-he had been through there several times that night, trying to make sure he didn’t miss family-whatever that meant. He finally told them, Shawn Apperson. My gut was in knots, so it wasn’t going anywhere, but my jaw sure dropped. Turns out, this young man was Shawn’s stepbrother. He had been the first to arrive, and had been anxiously waiting for relatives. I managed to get the words out that I was Shawn’s mom, it had been ages since the young man and myself had seen each other.
Those who know me, know that elevators are not my ride of choice. Many have been with me when I took the grewling stairs, rather than ride in a totally enclosed box. Bad asthma verses claustrophobia ? Shawn was on the 9th floor, time was a factor. No choice, really. Once there I was told I wouldn’t recognize Shawn.
I am having a hard time recollecting the details upon entering the room. I just wanted to hold my precious son and let him know I was there and how much I loved him.   He was not awake-? There was no touching, let a lone hugging-what’s a mom to do ?
I will leave things there, I do not remember a lot. I don’t even know if I called anyone. Just a lot of holes.
Today is super hard, and I keep having brain difficulties trying to learn this hard blogging stuff. Pardon me. Hopefully, I can get something to work.
Bye

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