My Grief Challenges

Commemorating Shawn’s 30th January 3 & 4, 2014

Thought I would share with you, a little about Shawn’s beginning.

The photo you are you are seeing is the Thanksgiving before Shawn was born.

I had many hard times with my pregnancy, with Shawn. Bladder infections, bleeding, nothing tasted good. I had many times when false labor started, thus, sleeping was a no. Many times the doctor had assured me that all was fine. He would say I needed to rest more-not do very many activities, or I would be restricted to bed, for the last 3 months.
You see, when I was pregnant with Melissa, I had no issues. I chopped and stacked ??? cords of wood. I walked a lot. I craved oranges and apples. One of the grocery stores Dave serviced would have those for me, each week.  I slept good. The doctor never restricted my activities.

I remember clearly when labor, for Shawn, had started, early December 31,1983. It felt like all the false labor times, except with a slightly stronger intensity. I told no one, plans were made for getting together with family and I did not want to ruin the New Year events. There were football games on, that early afternoon. Probably college. I would have remembered the Steelers or the Bears.  This false labor sure was feeling different.  I still had a couple weeks before Shawn was to be born.
There was never a test done, so I don’t know why I was sure this baby was a boy. I am still stymied as to why I decided to sew the little blue overalls and flannel shirt.
So, this, false labor (?) was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I finally told folks. I think I laid down, the hostess found a place for me to have some quiet.  I still thought I was just tired. This way, everyone could still enjoy the New Year events. The pain must have increased. All were sure this baby was going to be born before 1984-a tax deduction.
I don’t remember when it was decided I needed to go to the hospital. There are holes, regarding some of the events that took place, before Shawn was born. I don’t even know who was taking care of Melissa!-How is that ???
As the hours slowly crept forward, Shawn was not to be born in 1983. We lived, at least 20 miles, from the hospital, so the doctor said it would be better for me to stay in the hospital. Having asthma, put me on the high risk list. I was told to walk the halls until the baby decided he was ready.
I remember being so sad…I had seen when other mothers came in, pregnant, and then seeing each with their newborn. Not me.
Throughout those hall walking days, I had been given about 3 spinal injections-the limit- the injections were given to help slow the process-the doctor was sure Shawn was too small and not ready to be born. The 3 injections did not have the effect the doctor had hoped for. You see, I was not surprised by this, when I was 16, during a bronchoscopy, I woke up. It had been a slow wake, and I still remember where everyone was standing, in that operating room. I remember a strange sensation in my lungs-as they were being vacuumed. I knew I was not breathing for myself. My throat hurt from those 2 types of hoses. I was strapped down. Worst of all, I was flat, on my back. For me, with my asthma, I do not like to lay flat, on my back. I must have started showing signs of agitation. Someone said “She is waking up.”   Really ? How long did it take them to figure that out ? Someone was being told to put me out, quickly.
Needless to say, I was not astonished that the 3 shots did not phase me. I had to wait for several hours before I could be given anything else. The doctor said the baby wasn’t big enough. Just keep walking, no eating, but I could have water.  I was getting so tired. I do not know what made the doctors decide on January 3, 1984, to give me a spinal block. I do know that there was concern about both of us making it through this delivery. I was being prepped for a C-section. I remember how frustrated I was-they made me lay flat, on my back !!! baby shawn
All of a sudden the doctor said the baby was coming. I was told to push. Being paralyzed, I was having a hard time knowing how to push. I think I chomped. Then, there was my Shawner-I do not know how we came up with the first name, but Paul was for my Dad, and David was for Dave-Shawn’s Dad and my grandpa David. I remember Shawn being handed to me. He weighed 7 pounds and 11 1/2 ounces. The doctor said he was quite a bit bigger than he expected. He said Shawn was cozy and just did not want to be born. My arms could not function. They put Shawn on my chest, I was afraid he was going to fall, because the medication had not worn off yet.  I think Dave held Shawn.
With Melissa I did not have a sufficient milk supply. So, for Shawn, I had decided to start him with the bottle. It would take Shawn so long to drink- 45 minutes for 8 ounces of liquid- and then Shawn would just sleep. As it was, he was so tongue tied that his tongue could hardly lift, thus causing sucking to be very hard to do. As the weeks went on I was assured that the lingual frenulum-(cord-?) would stretch, allowing him to drink better. The pediatrician said they would not clip. Things didn’t seem to be improving, so, I took it upon myself to find someone who would would clip Shawn’s tongue. It must have been around May, the weather was warming. I found a dentist who could not believe the doctors wouldn’t help. He simply snipped, Shawn cried a little. I was told he could drink when we arrived home. I don’t think it took Shawn more than 10 minutes, to down that first bottle-he was just a guzzlin’. He stayed awake more. He still loved sleeping on my shoulder. Shawn was always a good sleeper-but after his tongue was fixed I knew his sleeping wasn’t from exhaustion, from bottle time.
As January 3, 2013 comes to a close, I will close here. I am finding my emotions, regarding Shawn’s goneness, on this his 30th, too much to restrain.
K shawn 12


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