My Grief Challenges

Spending Time Together January 11, 2014

20140103_12315020140105_123505Melissa and I had many nice moments, spending time together, commemorating Shawn’s 30th. A friend took us to a Winery where ornaments were on display.20140111_145005 It was kind of my friend to tell of her losses and the  getting through.  The weather at Rockaway, was so peaceful.   The week went by so quickly.

Wednesday morning, at the airport, Melissa joined the mass of folks, getting ready to go through the security check area, and leave.  I thought I would find the easiest area to wave her goodbye.  As I looked back to see where I thought she should be, I could not see her.  I walked here and there, looking for a blonde hair, short person . Well, she surely couldn’t have gone through security check  that fast. I went back to my goodbye spot.        A nervous time filler: I asked someone if they knew if it is okay to take pictures. I know, for a fact, how Greyhound is about photos being taken-not around the loading area, but what about here ? The woman said she had never thought of taking a picture of folks leaving.  Well, okay, I thought to myself, I am just going to stop the next security person and ask.  Bless his heart. I know the security man was chuckling inside himself, as I proceeded to ask if I would get in trouble if I took a photo of my daughter, before she left for the plane ?  His reply was, “Yes”,  with a big smile. He then told me photos are okay, but not at or past the x-ray check area.

I still could not see Melissa. I had looked through the folks as best as I could.  I went to the window where Alaska planes were being prepared for take off. Maybe, she was already on board ?    My gut was ???   Could I have missed her ? How could I not have seen her ?  Would she not have told me one last goodbye ?

While waiting at the window, trying to look into the little window  of those boarding, my mind suddenly went back to May, the same sensation my gut had those last days of Shawn’s.  I knew how his body was acting. I, even, helped the nurse, who used needles at various areas, to determine if Shawn had any sensation, anywhere. (Electromyography (EMG) is a form of electrodiagnostic testing that is used to study nerve and muscle function.)   I held Shawn’s hand, legs, feet and head, as the nurse placed the needles- some, deeply. I was sure the needles being placed in his wrist would go right through to me. Shawn was awake, but not one time in that hour did his body jerk. I remember how tired my arms became-trying to not move or shake, as different levels and intensities were tried, for any kind of  response. My heart had been quickened, as I gulped down emotions that did not like the results I had seen. I had been there  at Shawn’s last dialysis. I had seen what was in the catheter.  I know how many folks had told me that  I just needed to let Shawn go.

If he was already gone, as was told to me,  how is it that he cried when I had to tell him what was probably going to happen in the coming days ? How is it he blinked and or nodded when I asked him questions ? How is it that that last Wednesday, before Melissa arrived, when the Spiritual Care person asked Shawn if he could read Psalm 23, did Shawn  smile big and nod. No one can tell Melissa and myself, that Shawn’s last Thursday, he wasn’t making a funny face at her telling of the function of kidneys.

Will I always have guilt for my decision, as to Shawn’s end ?

That same gut getter, I had before Shawn died, was the same I had at the airport. Waiting to say goodbye one last time, and or the missing hearing the goodbye.

As I stood gazing, to where ?, with my eyes glossing over from tears-hidden by my glasses,  I heard “Mom !”  The same inflection I heard at Freddies, but higher. So it must have been Melissa, as my mind came back to current time, my gut wrinkled. I, quickly,  went back to the crowd going toward the security area. No Melissa. Was I hearing things, again ? As I turned, I heard the voice and saw a wave. I hadn’t missed her, after all. I even got her photo.20140108_102651I, almost forgot to add this photo !  Thanks for the edit choice.

Oh, another thing, poor girl, I had warn Melissa out with all the times I had pointed out my favorite number-something costing 33 $, or the time-3:33. Here was one last time. I told her to look up at the number she was approaching. She looked around. I pointed up, again. She finally looked up and saw the # 3. It made me chuckle-I don’t think she thought it was very funny.     My gut sank and sank as Melissa walked further and further, away.

I do not know why I handle leavings, so bad.

Melissa indicated that her plane was the opposite side of  where I was. I decided to leave, but I could not go home. In an hour Melissa would be back in Spokane. Where could I go that was close by, until I knew she had arrived home, safely ? I left the airport. I recalled on our way to the airport, that Melissa had commented that there is not an IKEA in Spokane-she had said it would have been fun to go through.  I decided to wait there until Melissa called. I was able to sit at a window that let me view the Alaska planes, as they  flew over. Finally, a message came through.  She was in the sky. Once again, both of us being faced to deal with Shawn’s goneness, apart.

Yep, the goodbye gut getters, I don’t like !!!

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4 thoughts on “Spending Time Together January 11, 2014

  1. Melissa Apperson says:

    Mom yes it was a fast week didn’t want it to end! Your number remindings don’t bother me they just kinda remind me that I need to give you more credit sometimes. We don’t ever have to let Shawn go or others we love they will always be apart of our lives and as our friends lose loved ones we can know how to help others if they need. Love you

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  2. I had an airport meltdown on Tuesday 1/14 when I dropped off my youngest daughter to fly back to college in Philadelphia. It was 5:30 a.m. and there was a full moon visible as we drove to the airport. The evening of Vern’s outdoor memorial service in August was blessed with a rising full moon. When I saw that moon on the way to the airport it was just too much and the tears flowed. He should be here to be with us going to the airport. It was a hard to go to work and keep it together all day.

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