My Grief Challenges

Not Enough Faith ??? February 2, 2014

Which side of that coin are you on; 

                             a lot of faith, or not enough faith ? 

                                               !!! WARNING !!!    

   This post, is very raw, emotionally, and probably not  super positive.

In my bible reading, I came across: Matthew 17:20-21. The whole section, verses 14-21, are labeled, “A Boy Healed”. The verses that hit me say: v.20. “So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. v.21. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

Over and over and over, this mustard seed verse, runs through my mind.

I am left wondering, how many have that kind of faith, really ?

Is that kind of faith  something that is conjured from the depths of one’s being ?

Is it the lacking of that kind of  faith, causing  so many sadnesses, of all kinds ?

I think, I was listening to Air1.  I had only caught part of a story. It was about a son, the hospital staff had claimed he was brain dead, and wanted to “pull the plug”. The Mom refused. I think I heard that the boy recovered and was released from the hospital. I tried researching. It was too hard on my heart, reading the various articles, in search of the one I had heard. Maybe someone will know about the story I am referring to.

Melissa and I do not believe Shawn was brain dead. We had seen reactions, not imagined or made up, or over hopeful. I will always love Shawn’s reaction, on his last Thursday-AM, when Melissa was telling him about kidney functions. I hope that funny grimace never goes from my mind.

Another extremely rough week, not only the gut wrenching pain as the number of days Shawn has been gone, rises, but other things.

You see, while Shawn was in the hospital, I was trying to deal with the moment issues. I knew God could heal Shawn if He so chose. I had to remain level. I did not want to bargain with God, or make promises I might forget. I did not want to fall into the trap of thinking I could twist God’s arm.  I am one of those folks who can, easily, get over zealous and I was trying to refrain from that. Did I fail my son ? I had heard someone share, regarding an almost death situation, he had said how God turned and the person was able to keep living. What if God hadn’t turned ? What does it mean that God turned/changed His mind ?

Maybe it was my lack of faith that kept Shawn from getting better. Maybe, I was a drag because I was so not knowing what God wanted me to do, or I just wasn’t believing enough. Maybe I wasn’t praying hard enough ? Did I overlook positives and didn’t thank God enough ? I have gotten to the point where I feel bad for Shawn that I hadn’t been the pillar I should have been. Often, I have wondered why God thought I was the one fit for this task. I am too full of emotions to do any good. Such are the thoughts that plague me moment by moment. Let alone all the other issues torturing my soul.

Something else  that torments me;  I had been told that  I was  torturously keeping Shawn alive? I have had MANY tell me, then and now, that I need to think what Shawn’s “quality of life”, would have been like. The pain he would have to endure, the treatments, the care he would need. How would he be able to be the Dad his children needed ? Who could care for him? There weren’t any care centers that would have.

I remember, for myself, I made it a rule, that once I stepped into Shawn’s room, I would not allow myself to think on those thoughts, from various folks, about keeping Shawn alive and or his care down the road. My goal was to be the calm-he needed. The gentle touch of reassurance on his cheek. My spirit of love, for my son, I hope he knew. At least, that is what I think God wanted me to do. ?

 Not long ago, I heard this speaker-Oh how I wish I could have his attitude. He was so encouraging, positive and delightful. He has a full schedule of speaking engagements. He is missing body parts. Were his parents told to think about the “quality of life” their child would have ?

I am unlike Job. verse 1:21= “And he said,’ Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.'”       I have been unable to be thankful for this situation.

I can usually find a positive to most situations. I wonder where that went ? Why can I not find the joy ? How can someone’s goneness, so rip one in half ?

*** A Different Approach ***

S: Hey Mom, so, things seem to be getting you pretty down. I know, one day you will see how God takes bad situations, to reveal His glory. One day you will know that I knew how much you loved me and did your best for me !!!

Me: Yeah, Shawn, feeling out of sorts,  just plain, in a bummed mood.  I am aware of many difficulties of others. I am aware that “life goes on”. I just hate it that you are no longer here.

S: Mom, there were some times I felt so crushed and many times I felt rejected. Remember how you would chat me through ? You would make me breath deep breaths, until you told me I had settled down, even after I had told you things were calmer. I always wondered how you knew when I had truly calmed. Oh Mom, all those times in the hospital. You seemed to know before anxiousness happened. I was amazed at how patient and calm you were, even with all those noisy machines. How did you make it so calming ?  I loved how you could speak in less than a whisper. Gently coaching me on calm, slow breaths. Mom, you need that now. How I wish I could be at your side, through the various things you are dealing with.   

 Hey Mom, yesterday, when a parent called dispatch because of a complaint their child had toward you. I know how you replayed every detail of your past days of driving, trying to figure what the problem was. I loved how you didn’t get riled, defensive or worried. As it turns  out, I think you have been too patient with some of your young passengers. Those girls have been on your bus for almost 2 years. How many times, everyday, have you asked them to sit down and face forward for safety ? I think you say you want your passengers to be “safe sitters”. The saying I love, is when you tell your passengers, “If you are not sitting like Mrs. K, you are sitting the wrong way”. Only my Mom could come up with that—love it !!!  Mom,  those girls may be upset, for now.  I am pretty sure when their parents hear both sides, how can they not know how much you care for those you transport ? 

 So, Mom, I need you to think back to my hospital days and remember how you would calm me, and practice that for yourself.  Better yet. Imagine us being at Rockaway Beach. We are standing on the shore. The day is so delightful. No wind, the water is so smooth, the temperature is just right.  The sun is shining on the water, showingthe color of blue we love. The waves are gently moving along the sand. The sound, even the feeling,  of the movement of the waves. Let’s just quietly enjoy the moment.

Shawn's 30th



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