My Grief Challenges

Remember Crazy Days ? April 26, 2014

Does anyone remember Crazy Days ? Or was that an event small towns put on ? It occurred over several days. businesses would place  discounted items outside, to sell. It seemed like folks enjoyed those days.  The sidewalks were a buzz with visiting and looking.  The specific one I remember,  I must have been 4 or 5, not much older.  I was with Gram Million.  I do not recall where my 2 brothers or Gramps were. Gram  had made it clear to me, that I was not to wander.                             *** Just a side note, if anyone has gone shopping with me I wander off- I don’t even think twice about notifying those I am with.  Years ago, Bob came up with a solution: Walkie Talkies.  Much better than using the store announcing system. Melissa, Shawn and I had fun, with the Walkies. You see, sometimes we could listen to the stores goings on, if we landed on the right channel. Makes me chuckle, we thought we were so clever. There were quite a few times we were butting in on someone else s conversation.       So, If you ever go shopping with me,  never be surprised to find me gone. I just do that, something will catch my eye and away I go before I think to tell anyone. Cell phones have been the best help, for these type of occurrences.***                                                                Back to Crazy Days-I wonder if small towns do that anymore ?   This particular day was sunny. We were in Moscow, at the corner of 5th & Main.  I  vaguely remember hearing a bunch of adults moving the clothes racks, calling “Kathy”.    Well, I knew better than to go with just anyone  calling my name, so, I didn’t answered. Then a bunch of people came up to me-all frantic. They said I was lost and was now found.   As I remember my little mind thinking. I wasn’t lost,  just wandering and didn’t tell anyone, what was wrong with that ? Seemed like no big deal to me. Shortly, after I was found, Gram appeared-she was in a tizzy. She made sure I knew that going off on my own was the wrong thing to do. My little mind still did not seem to understand what the problem was, but if anything made Gram upset-nothing more needed to be said.     I bet she would have loved a harness like I posted about, a couple weeks ago.                                                   It seems some kind of lawn chair was brought to Gram, and that is where I was to sit for a while. Had I been given a mind like Shawn’s, sitting there would have been turned into a thrilling ride through outer space. I believe one of my posts mentioned how having Shawn stand in a corner was not a punishment .   Tears come to my eyes  as I recall chuckling times, listening to Shawn’s  funny corner noises. He had no idea I was listening.     It wouldn’t have mattered, anyway, because he was on an adventure.  I hope those cute memories in my head, never leave.   Melissa, on the other hand, found the  corner a very unpleasant experience.                                                                                                                 As I jot these memories, I am sad that I made things so difficult for my Grandparents. Poor Gram, she had played such a big role on my birthing day… I do hope somehow,  through all the happenings, that Gram did experience some  chuckle moments.     Well, I am sure the time I dressed my 2 brothers (me 5, Marlin-4 and Duane=3 ???) for a five mile walk into town to search for Dad, she wasn’t chuckling.                                                                                                    Have you ever been in a situation, when you turned your head for a moment, as you turn back, the child is gone ? Hold that gut getter of a feeling. Have you ever been at a  big event and a child was missing ?  What about in a store, looking high and low ?  Maybe you left church and didn’t do a count before leaving.  The park may have seemed big and open, were there places a child might wander to that you didn’t think of. How about going to the zoo ?    While reading these events,  did your gut wrinkle at a  recollection of a familiar moment ? You know the feeling, looking everywhere, hoping for a quick find and hoping another person did not take what was not theirs. Panic sets in, The search area becomes wider. Calls are  placed for help.  Dread of what the end result could be. You pray earnestly, quietly that the unimaginable didn’t,  just now, happen-to you ?      Does an alarm make your stomach crunch?   Have you ever been late and your keys are not ANYWHERE !!!   Maybe you had a situation with another person. You held up your end of the deal-they didn’t. What about preparing that perfect meal-but somehow the main dish, burned, and left a bad fragrance in the air. Oh, and those blasted signal lights. What makes them turn when late has already passed. ? Hold those gut getter knowings   For me a major gut getter is getting ornaments ready for shipping—on time. For work I have gut grinds about being a safe driver for my passengers.   I don’t know if this makes sense, but when my wheezing escapes and others hear it-the cringe happens.   So, yes, I do know the gut getter feelings, all too well.               20140417_133339                                               When Melissa & Shawn were under the ages 2 & 4, we lived near Little Spokane  River.  The back porch and garden areas had been fenced, providing safe places to play. Most details escape me.  I do know it was warm enough weather to not need a jacket.  Shawn was no where to be found.  A quick search and call outs  were done outside, another check through the house. I was not going to allow my mind to wonder about where all a small tyke could  go: the woods at the back of the house and the little river out front  And why wasn’t Babe-our German Shepherd, helping us look ?. The search area was widened.  Another search inside.2014-04-26 08.44.26  No Shawn.   Time to get help and search the river.  I had been sent back inside with Melissa, and told to wait.  Outside there were no signs of a trail in the grasses, indicating a wandering child.  I think it was Melissa who found  Shawn.  It seems she known of a special place Shawn liked to sleep.                  You see, I do not like dressers.   At that time, Dave was working for Clover Club Potato Chips—the best chips.  21-263There were old wire chip display racks to be discarded. BUT, I had other plans. The shelves held more clothing than a dresser ever could, and the lower area could hold a toy or shoe box.  I had a quilted piece of fabric to cover the lower opening.   Yep, that’s right.    Every painful groan gulped during the search, was released as Shawn was found sleeping behind the quilted covering.   How come he didn’t wake when his name was being called ?  How had no one  checked that spot ?  I cannot describe the relief at learning Shawn had not fallen into the river.             I have no idea why, but this past week was filled with those   feelings from those dread moments when Shawn couldn’t be found ( the gut getters).                                                          ***  This post was written close to May 16, 2013.     I was finishing my pre-trip. I had been talking to Melissa. We were both trying to get back to life, after Shawn’s death.  Melissa at school, me in the bus.  I had just completed filling out the pre-trip book.  Melissa’s call cut out, a lot. I thought she had hung up, so I went on my way. We would touch base later. I made it through my elementary run.   My  high school run started fine. I was driving on 82nd, heading toward the Expressway.  I had cleared the Costco light, the dip, then I saw a young male walking on the path,  next to the road, he never looked up-that close to a big rig-I would have. He had on a white tee-shirt-dressed in light blue jeans-baggy. a baseball cap and hair like Shawn’s. His walk, the way he held himself, and his  facial features, there is no way it wasn’t Shawn—he never looked up. What I noticed is that there were no burn areas, he had both arms, all his hair, doing his Shawn walk-deep in thought. I know I gasped, tears fell, I had to keep going. This scared me so bad. Anyway, how could there be a Shawn walking around as if never having been burned- with deep tissue burns over 73% over his body ???  Later when talking to Melissa. I told her I hadn’t understood what she had said upon her arrival at school. she told me that when she got out of her car, she saw someone with a skateboard, he looked like Shawn. I gasped. How strange that we both had the same experience near the same time.                                             *** Currant***        This is where I have  struggled, this past week, I have been so wishing to see someone walking Shawn’s way.   My gut has been in turmoil for reasons I understand not.   Then, God sent another mother my way- she surmised, quickly, what was happening.   She said to expect these kind of things around the 1st anniversary. For her the 1st s  were very tough. She also, told me that she could not give the okay for machines to be shut off on her son. Both of us knew the guilt we would put onto ourselves for the rest of our days. She told me she had to trust the father and brother regarding shutting her son’s machines off.                                                                                                             For some reason this song came on many times, at super low moments, this past week.   http://youtu.be/ycNs4qYLoak

FYI: In all my posts I try my best to write details, carefully and accurately. If anyone recalls a detail I left out, or misstated, pleased let me know. I will make the necessary changes.

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