I am sure for most of you, it is just another May. You see, I had been dreading this week and what it represents, for the past year. In fact, for me, it has been such a tumultuous year leading to this time. I have dreaded it so, mostly because I think it is just one of those realization times where I have to meet reality head on and with every ounce of me, I do not want to do that. The conflicting gut grinds are so demanding : those of knowing of Shawn’s true goneness and my wishing it weren’t so. Wednesdays = decision day, Fridays = Shawn’s death day. This year, May 3rd was not a Friday, so it is like Shawn’s 1st year of goneness is 2 days in a row.
I will give you a brief example of this past week of a challenge I faced.. I do not tend to or like to share things like this. About a week ago, my doctor gave me a new tea to try. He made sure I understood the importance of following the directions, asking me to repeat. So, I went home prepared the herbs as he said. Well, while drinking this awful tasting mixture over a few days, I was certain it was not working. Tuesday night while preparing my eats for work the next day, I decided not dilute the tea, maybe that would help. Oh, ya, sure, Wednesday went well, at work. That evening Bob shared some potato salad with me. Totally not what my doctor would approve of. Throughout the next hours…a double purge was mounting. Not much rest that night. Time to work. Thursday was absolutely unpleasant, I ached so bad I thought the fibromyalgia was back. Just a word: follow doctors orders. Just another word. I am one of those folks who does not get sick like this, I just don’t get the flues that go around, the tea had been working, just slow. So, what was this for ??? So far, my time at the beach has been lazy with my emotions acting like the ocean tide.
As I trudge along I cannot see how I can find good in ANYTHING that had to do with Shawn’s death. In time, if God deems it so, He will help me to better understand, for now, I am going to hold tight my precious memories. of my precious Shawn I miss him so…
I kind of remind myself of Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress. when he was on his burden laiden journey of salvation, while mine is a journey of grief. My salvation journey started at a far younger age. Each has their own road to travel, at their own time, in the way God sees most fit. Anyway, my burden has been all the events that took place leading to Shawn’s death. It has been a weighty load: the would haves, should haves and could haves.
I selfishly took a few days off work. The beach is my favorite place. I checked the tree, where Melissa and I had left some endearments on Shawn’s 30th b.day. No sardines, no necklace,. The little rose had been disturbed, bit there were new growings. I repositioned it added a few other plants. Hopefully, I did not break any ecological rules. I had thought there were rocks to move to help the bank area, under the tree, nope, only big boulders. Anyway, it is a special place and I will do my best to check it and tidy it. in my future visit/ remembrance times for Shawn.
The very moment Shawn died a year ago, I was begging God to let me have a year to get used to his being gone. I reminded God that I was His biggest wimp and things were going to be hard. If I could just get through a transition time. I would , then, start thinking of some ideas to work on so I wouldn’t remain in Shawn’s goneness. Folks have worried that I am grieving wrong. which then makes me worry that everyone is thinking the same thing. so much so that I am not wanting to talk to anyone. For years and years and years I have reached out, why is it my place to reach out now-why must I make others feel more comfortable about approaching me ? Why is it when I am going through this valley, that I must I be the one to reach out-easing the uneasiness for others ? Why must I state or remind my needs or sadness ? I know them. I just need my time to adjust ! My husband says I am the most bullheaded person, in the world. Well, I think God gave me that as a survival tool. I thought I had done quite well , this past year. I went to church-yes missing when I knew hiding emotions would be disruptive. I worked more than I thought I would . What I am not doing, is worrying so much about others and what I can do for them. Which may seem uncaring, and for me-not the norm. I am just adjusting to the new situation I am in. I will probably be wanting to do more Grandma things. I have stressed myself to the max trying to figure out what God wants me to do next. It keeps hitting me in the face, Shawn’s children are fatherless… Maybe I am not joy filled right now, but that does not say I am doubting God. When Jesus was in the garden praying, before being crucified for the sins of man, didn’t He ask for the cup to be removed ? if God saw fit ? Was He shouting for joy in those moments ? This has been very hard year. I still can’t seem to get my heart and mind to join. There is the for realz knowing, there is the overwhelming ache. The truth that there is no waking up from a bad nightmare. I still have a lot of guilt filled moments. Yes, I know once a choice is made, there is no going back. People can tell me, until the cows come home, that it was Shawn’s time to go—but those 3 hours from the doctors meeting until I gave the decision to the medical staff regarding shutting off the machines. bringing an end to my sons life ??? Yes, I know, if God wanted Shawn alive he would be. I still believe I failed my son. It will be a truly blessed day when that guilt load is gone from my heart. One of my friends told me that the grief of his son’s death was easier to deal with than the guilt. Grief is only a part of the emotions one deals with when a loved one dies. This father had spent countless hours replaying the night of his son’s accident. If only he would have…, or thought of a different solution to their predicament. Had he just been more attentive to his sons needs… I am sure others have painful questionings for other reasons—it hurts and is difficult no matter the who, how or why. A lot of folks tell me-the decision is made, nothing can be done now, life goes on. Such comforting words ???
There have been days I was less emotional-for me. I have worked more days than I thought I would be able to endure. It took me some time to figure out why I would react when I did. Until my boss mentioned that our bodies respond to times-without a calendar. How easing that was to learn. Once I figured out trigger times, I have been prepared and better able managed those times, as well.
I will close with this.
I miss you more than I care to know. I cannot see how life can have an upside. My mind will not stop the accusations of all the wrongs I did, or how I failed you, how I fell short, how I didn’t reach out more. So many things. I am told as time goes by I will be able to remember the happier times of your living days. I hope that all those times I begged your forgiveness, that you truly did. I hope I did not make your last days worse because I could not let go. I have it recorded the day you stood 3 times. You were valiant in your efforts to conquer the sufferings your body had endured. Someday, I hope to watch that recording with joy not sorrow. I know if you could, you would tell me, firmly, it is time to put on my Grandma hat. You would want me to be making regular calls. To visit as often as possible. Yes, Shawn, I have several ideas in mind to help your children know about you. You would also want me to be a help to the girls. You would want me to make sure I keep in touch with Melissa.
Shawn, your good bye is the Y in my road, and it is as hard for me today as it was a year ago, moving forward without you—I wonder if I could beg God to take this from me ???