My Grief Challenges

Changes To Make ?!? UGH !!! June 7, 2014

Today is my little sister Lorrie’s b.day.  Lorrie helped me with PorQ.  I hope when I visit Dad and Mom, that we can record where we placed him.  We had given him a bucket ride to a safe place away from the road and the house.              4 PorQ 20130528_120615                                                   I have a wagon full of changes to make and things to do.  In the read that follows, please do not think I am ungrateful. I am just one of those people who doesn’t like changes—my preference is: constancy.                    It has been an exhausting year, trying to keep my sadness from Shawn’s goneness, in check.  Although, this past week I met some other grievers.  It seems that I may be going through the natural  stages of loss, and I need to quit fighting what my body and mind need to do for moving forward, rather than nagging myself about my wimpiness.          UGH !!!                              Below are some of the changes I am dealing with.                                                      1.   Several years ago, Bob bought this cute little blue Acer laptop.  It’s first mission was movies for an airplane trip to Missouri.  Me being very claustrophobic-I needed distractions     It took  sometime for me to get used to the laptop.  Could I find not wasteful things to do on it ?      As it turns out, I had learned enough to use facebook to keep folks updated. regarding Shawn’s Situation.               During Shawn’s hospital days, Bob bought a new Acer -gray in color, assuring me that it was better than the blue one.  The past few months I have been trying to use it more, but  there are so many things on the  blue laptop I am afraid of losing.  For me, the blue laptop is another connection to Shawn-before he died.     How can I just change ?   For me it is like another type of good-bye to Shawn.                   

2.   In a previous post: Learning GPS ???,   It was about the weekend before Dec. 4, 2012, and me learning how to use my new phone.                      I had many messages from Melissa, Shawn and Sam, on my old flip phone. My secret plan was to keep it charged and transfer messages when I was comfortable with my new phone.  We ended up transferring the old number to the new phone.   All those precious messages, gone. With all the technology-how can that be ???                       Just recently, Bob bought me another new phone.       I had used my GPS phone to record  happenings from Shawn’s hospital days. It still has the mysterious message from Melissa—telling me something about a fire and Shawn.  And just a couple days before that call, I had bragged to Shawn how I had learned to work the GPS by myself, on the new phone.     I have been so afraid of losing photos, videos and messages tied to Shawn’s situation, during this phone transition.  For some reason,  I associate the phone with Shawn, and replacing it with a new one, is like saying good-bye to Shawn, again.    It is so hard to explain, unless you have lost someone dear and cherish any connections or reminders.            I have been super frustrated trying to figure out this new phone, and how to make sure everything is saved and copied, nothing lost.           The store chain  we bought the phone from, gave me a number to call for help with the transfers. That number led me to Best Buy, on 82nd-close to Johnson Creek. After a couple of folks could not help, I was sent over to Liz, in the Samsung area.   Her knowledge and  patience were the calm this overwhelmed person, needed.  If you need help with a Samsung phone-Liz is the person to see.  20140606_16434520140606_164008_3                                                                                                                                                                                             3. The 2013-14 school year is ending.    Bus seats scrubbed,  bus ceiling washed,  lug nuts and wheel rims-polished. Time to end another year of school bus driving.      It was a tough year, at best. Strange emotions to deal with and things I need to accept.  I was grumpier, complainy, disappointed,  distraught, lonely, self accusatory, not organized, unsure.  You get the drift.     At the beginning of this school year, I really needed the comfort of the same bus and route—overload  always  at my door step — too many changes—not good.   My seniority not being high, the push was on to give that good route to someone else. Yes, during those  anxious moments of waiting, my attitude was awful-I ashamedly admit.  I was openly complaining         I did get the same bus, I named Blu, and the same  blue route. The parking spot is where I parked several years ago, in a different bus—by the back gate—don’t know why I love that spot.    So, with this year ending-I am anxious-will I be able to keep Blu and the blue route ???                                                                                  For now, I am using both phones.                                      I have found it helpful to use both laptops while working on a post.          The problem I now face, is  how would I juggle 2 buses ?   I know I have troubles  with letting go.     The  3 issues/changes, above, have filled my mind this week, while my list of to dos-this summer-has grown exponentially.   So much so, that I have procrastinated making ornaments. If Shawn were here, he would make sure I knew of his displeasure. He had displayed my ornaments-year round and liked knowing the next idea.              * I need to figure out how to de-clutter my belongings. I have been told that folks who like craft type projects-can’t be minimal. UGH !!!             * The yard is a mess. Plants need to be re-potted or planted. The weeds are taking over.         * I offered to help move my Grandson and his Mom to California.           * My biggest project will be working on Shawn’s Memory Trail—which means  a lot of technology learnings.  Sometimes I just wish life could pause for a moment.   1488786_10152313206569246_464012797871914369_n

Bye, K

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