As I prepared to jot down thoughts for my next post, my heart was especially heavy for the Jamie Soles family. Judah, the son of Jamie and Valerie Soles, died in a motorcycle accident. For years Jamie has produced songs from the bible. It is my prayer that the Soles family receive a lasting comfort, beyond belief.
I hope it doesn’t seem uncaring by going ahead with my post-even though there are special folks with fresh, heavy hearts. So, a question to begin with: Is God fickle when He answers the parking spot prayer, but not the prayer for someone’s safety or health ? He could have. What about dear folks in need of income ? What about prayers regarding relationship issues ? There are numerous types of these questions that seem to go unanswered. How do we really know what to ask when praying ? Which prayer will be heard and answered ?
Dear God, I am taking a different approach for this post. I don’t know if this is wrong. I don’t know how others are going to feel about it-I don’t care. I just need to get this out of my system. The thoughts may not be in any order, I will probably repeat myself—these are just the chaotic rumblings from deep within. Somehow, God, I need You to communicate to Shawn that I wasn’t trying to prolong his awful situation for selfish reasons. Every minute of my days are filled with angst-no peace, because I had decisions to make that tore my soul. If there is a moment of calm, I usually am hit hard, later, with another round of anguish. Please God, I can’t endure the rest of my life wondering if Shawn was begging me to ask for the machines to be shut off. It is too much for me. You know how alone I am in this regard. How does one put them self in another’s shoes and answer life ending questions ? For that matter, how do I prepare for my end ? I wouldn’t want another person to have to live with this agony. God, I kept thinking Shawn just needed a little more time. Please tell him the talk I had to have with him about his last hours, will remain at the top of my list of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Please let him know I didn’t want to leave him after that talk, but I could not hold in the gut wrenching screams regarding the reality of our situation—I did not want to add to his agony. I hope the talk I was told to give Shawn did not add to his discomfort. God, I cannot see an upside. Please, God, could Shawn forgive me if it was my lack of faith that caused him not to get better. I am sorry I wouldn’t allow myself to be super, enthusiastically positive, I truly did not know what was okay to ask of You-so I was leaving it up to You. What words were You wanting from me ? Have I disappointed You for my lacks ? I need Shawn to know how sorry I am for times I neglected spending with him. I need Shawn to know I wasn’t trying to make things difficult-I just didn’t know how to handle some of the rougher situations. I hope I didn’t drive him crazy standing by his bedside hours at a time. Most of those times with tears flowing. What made it hell, was that we weren’t able to communicate. Had Shawn been able to tell me his wishes, I would have fulfilled them as best as I could. God, why can’t I just accept that the doctors were right ? That all I was doing was having the nurses care for a body that wasn’t going to survive, as was told to me in the last doctor meeting. God, I know You give us our beginning and end, so why do I feel like I gave in to the doctors regarding Shawn’s life ending ? Why do I think it was my fault ? Why do I blame myself for Shawn not surviving ? Am I one of Your worst sheep and need these lessons-for ??? Was Shawn upset at me for not giving permission to shut the machines off, sooner ? Will I ever face another moment when I don’t feel—what most believe is senseless guilt ? Is it true that because I am struggling with this ~~~doubt~~~or lack of ???, that my salvation is in question ? I am so sorry that I can’t seem to realize or anticipate the joy ahead. God what is wrong with me ? Why can’t I just accept things practically like the rest of the world ? This stuff haunts me relentlessly. Please God, please that Shawn doesn’t hate me for the choices I had to make. God this is such a heavy weight. I cannot seem to find any peace. I cannot see how You can use this. There seems to be a growing chasm between me and the rest of the world-who can’t seem to understand my guilt-self inflicted or not. AND, when Shawn’s children grow up and have better understanding, are they going to think Gram K didn’t try hard enough for their Dad ? God can’t You just take this away ? The torment is exhausting, relentless and dreadful. Please forgive me for letting this make me so sad. Please that Shawn could know I loved him so. God its not that I am second guessing You, its just that this torment that runs through my mind seems unending. Many have told me I really didn’t have a choice to make. God, You alone know the depths my sorrow. God, please forgive me for this confusing prayer—this is just how things are right now. In hope of peace, K