My Grief Challenges

Dry Run Day August 24, 2014

For those of you who don’t drive school bus, we have what is called, “Dry Run Day”. It occurs a few days before school starts. All of us bus drivers have our chosen routes and out we go, in our buses, as if we were picking up passengers for school. A couple days preceding, all of us bus drivers had to wait our turn to anxiously chose our routes. There are many issues at play when determining which route to chose. Many want the hours/pay. Some chose for location, time off in the middle of the day. I have parents that have asked if I will be able to stay on my route- they have younger children-and the parents are more at ease when they know their bus driver. I have school teachers that ask me to try to have the same route. I chose my route because, I know which bus fits me best.      I like how it handles. I am usually diligent at keeping it clean. Plus, the past 3 years, it has been the blue route.  I have even given it a name: My Big Bluezzz.   After all, it is a Blue Bird Bus.

Regarding Friday morning, dry run went fine, for the most part. I did have many sad moments, missin’ Shawn. Then the Costco light. I had written a post a few days after Shawn died, which explains the Costco light.                                              http://movingmercifullyforward.nfshost.com/?s=Who+did+we+see                                                  So many memories, precious and sad.        Triggers, ever present, even after a year and 3 months 😦
After my morning run was complete, I had a few extra hours-I decided to see if I could go to my friend’s apartment and work on an organizing project.   I hadn’t made previous plans because I did not know I was going to have this extra time.     My key was only for the deadbolt. While messaging my friend, I was communicating with the manager—that is a story in itself. I was able to get inside.
Thursday had gone so smoothly. So, I figured I would pick up where I had left off. I had decided I was going to put together more wire cubes-to be used for sorting.                                 51iPsBkmMLL._AA160_ It took an hour to get no where. The connecting pieces were either too big or too small. You see, I bought those white wire storage cubes, more than 10 years ago. I had bought them at different locations. Like skeins of yarn, no batch is the same. Finally the shelves went together and I had half an hour before I needed to leave. I am one of those folks, that if I have a plan, I am going to make every possible effort to accomplish it. As it was in the process of moving fabric, something caused my eyes to look down. In the dim light of the living room, in the dark recess of the corner, I saw an image, dark and out of place. Since I had heard the garbage truck, I had put my bracelet, out of my mind. For whatever reason, I decided to reach down and figure out what the image was. Yep, my bracelet.   Tears did follow the find.
Let me explain the bracelet.  On the first day of Shawn’s hospital stay,  I had found mood rings in the gift shop.  I bought one-thinking it would be cool if my mood ring was always my favorite color—blue.      Well, if you have been in the intensive care units-hands are covered—it is a glove ward.   Then I lost the first ring.   Bought another-who knows why.   It disappeared.  Just before Shawn died, I bought the last one. It, turned up missing.   I had asked God, many days before if I would be able to find the rings.     After Shawn died I was unpacking my hospital bags. All 3 rings were together, in one spot, as if placed there.   I just sat and cried. The rings simply reminded me of a time when there was still hope for Shawn to survive his burns. To this day, for some reason, those rings are special. This past year, I had worn those rings on a leather bracelet. I had put them on a new bracelet, adding a blue glass bead for Shawn’s first year gone. That bracelet got lost while reorganizing for a friend. I had not noticed until I was home and it was not there to take off.    Bob even took me to check the apartment complexes dumpster-I was sure it had come off when we had thrown garbage away, but no. I determined that if God wanted me to find the bracelet, it would happen. I still had the precious memories, in my mind. Thursday (?) while I was working I didn’t come across the bracelet, my gut did cringe when I heard the garbage truck. I was sure my bracelet was now gone for good.             The way the bracelet was made, it will be easy to add a bead each year of Shawn’s goneness.   It is a very simple bracelet, just right for me.                       20140824_143846 Many times this past week, a song has played: Believer by Audio Adrenaline. I first heard that song, shortly after Shawn died, while walking the beach. The words are just right.Regarding dejunking: I am helping a friend. I have some ideas to implement then I will share.
Exercising: Since July 29th, I have exercised 29 out of my 33 day goal. I refuse to be discouraged about my weight not shedding. I have noticed that my endurance is much better. During the program, when the count down clock is at 8:40-has been the most challenging part.     I can, almost, get through that little session without pausing my arms. I count that a good thing.    When I start my next 33 day goal, I will go to the next 30 minute workout on this DVD:       
2014-2T

Not to come across negative, but, for whatever reason, this week has hit me so very hard. I found a poster to end this post with:          a0d44f44440675513f6b8b7d5bead7bf   K

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