This post was written for October 18, but for reasons I understand not, I could not hit “publish”. There was no school on October 10th, but I made it a packed day. Before a work meeting, I looped 9 laps. *For those who may not understand my lingo: a lap around the track is a loop, thus I refer to my track time as loopin’. I like how it sounds. So, after the work meeting, a tire change for the gold car, then a hop down town to a doctor appointment. That day, something was brewing. I just could not figure out the what or why. I decided it was just a “me” thing. So many triggers-flashbacks I felt like a volcano was growing deep within. Something was hittin’ hard. I made each appointment, on time. The churning in my soul was starting to irkitate me. Finally, my last stop for the day. I backed into the parking place, at New Seasons. I could feel some kind of an emotional eruption was about to happen. I stepped out of the car. Unaware of anyone around me, I started sobbing. I just stood at the front of the gold car and let the tears roll. A woman asked if I was okay. I said things would be fine. She asked my name and left. As I stood there waiting for the drops to stop, I started putting the pieces together. *** check papers***. You see, the gold car, was my car, for a few years, during which time I had noticed water on the front carpet, and a leak in the back. I had used Pampers to soak up the moisture. Mold took over. Every summer, I did a deep clean. Finally, I realized that whenever I drove the gold car, my lung issues became worse. Bob had the idea of trading cars. It had not occurred to me, until this Friday-October 18, when driving the gold car for it’s tire change , why it was so special, to me. You see, we bought it at a time when Shawn had come back to restart our relationship. Shawn had been with me when I took my gold car, through DEQ. Later that day, while he was looking under the hood, he showed me that the car had hit something like a pole, showing me the various parts that had been affected. All that Friday, I kept remembering, so vividly, those days Shawn had sat next to me, in the gold car. The empty ache, on that Friday, was so intense. I have many precious memories, driving the gold car. I had driven it on a few summer drives. One year, I drove, Melissa, Shawn , Angela and Sam-in his car seat to Coeur d’Alene, for some fun at the lake. Memories I used to love, now they bring ache. I am told by others, that someday, those memories will bring smiles. For many of you, these jots, may seem like ramblings. I just hope I can jot enough notes to trigger memories. And maybe, someday, in the sharing, Melissa and the grands can feel they are a part of those precious times with Shawn I received this post:
“You have to move forward. You can’t be stuck in grief forever. We can’t wait until the old you is back again.” These statements are said by well-meaning people who don’t understand child loss. There is no timetable for grief. We work through the hard parts at our own pace, and it is truly work! Just because there is a need to keep our child’s memory alive doesn’t mean that we’re stuck in our grief. It simply means that we want validation for our child’s life — the same thing every parent wants. Lastly, we will never again be that person we were before child loss. That person’s life was eternally changed when our child died. We are struggling every day to find our place in life again after the loss of our child, and it’s not easy. For a long time following the loss of our child we ask the question, “Who am I now that my child is gone?” Child loss changes our identity. The grief of losing a child is complicated because we grieve on so many different levels. Losing a child isn’t a one-time loss. It’s a lifetime loss of many different things — our child, part of our future, our identity, and so much more!
*** Here are the words sent to me, after I had done a Donald Duck b.day song on Melissa’s b.day. I had prefaced it with words that: if Shawn were here, he would have begged me to do this. “Kathy you know I love you and I don’t want you to take this wrong but today is Melissas birthday and I know how much you miss Shawn but it is okay to wish her happy birthday its okay to talk to people and wish them well without saying shawns name Im sorry I just feel like you are on a daily basis trying to make sure thatyou never forget to say his name. You will never forget shawn, you will never forget his smile his kindness his voice his mannerisms his smell but you have to let other people in and help you get past this hurdle. I will NEVER presume how it feels to loose a child NEVER but I know how it is to loose a father and it hurts so bad I missed 15 years of my life without him that I will never ever get and I wish I could have but I have to believe that I have him in my heart and thoughts and I have to let my family and friends that are living know that I am a suviver and I will go on. just a thought. I wish I would have had the chance to know him better but I know you and if he is anything like Melissa he would want you to move on . Melissa writes how thoughtful you are and you are very much so but you need to turn that a little toward you self and say I will survive and God willing I will see my son on the other side and live. I Love you and I now I don’t say that to you but I really do and I wish I could take your pain away but it is time to give it to God ALL of it.”
For now, for me, the less I say, the better. I am told to let people in. Why ? How many of those who say they love me, have sent a card, made a call, or have just been there ? All my life, I have been the one who reached out-to all of them. I am tired right now, and just need to work through this grief stuff-on my own. Why should it be that I would need to beg their attention ?
I was hoping to find a cute poster of Ziggy walking / exercising.
*** Regarding Organizing: I was super exhausted this week, so I did not help my friend. She had written that she has kept up on sorting through things-that is a good thing.
*** Regarding Exercising: Even with raindrops pelting, loopin’ was accomplished. I’m happy about that. I did Leslie’s Fat Burning Miles, DVD. I aced x3 the sweat test for the Walk Strong Segment !!! Bye, K
Fake publish: October 18, 2014 @ 3:33 PM