My Grief Challenges

My That Thoughts November 29, 2014

                                                                           Statue of a Weeper                                      

               The thoughts that are hard on this 2nd year of Shawn’s goneness, I refer to them as:    My That Thoughts:                 That people don’t understand why I am not me, anymore.           That every task is harder than it was before Shawn died.              That sleep is needed, but dreaded.    That waking up means facing reality.             That the body needs sustenance, even though NOTHING is satisfying.     That guilt is part of the grieving process.          That being in places with lots of people is so very lonely and I catch myself searching~~~               That “love” of family and friends is not strong enough to wait with me while I grieve-no matter how long it may take.      That the noises, procedures and rules from the hospital would be desired.                 That memory prompts = triggers abound  and   are  very sneaky.              That keeping oneself exhaustively busy is very exhausting.                       That the eery numbness or respite are a dread, because they fade, and turn into the inevitable gut wrenching reality slams,                    That there is an ever present ache, in the deepest part of my being, because nothing can change Shawn’ death.           That I do not know how I will endure all the times that never will be, with Shawn.          That awful awareness that decisions cannot be undone.        That  I wasn’t a good enough Mom, can vex me so.                          That I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the various trials from the hospital days.          That I wasn’t diplomatic enough to make all situations, at the hospital, better.          That I didn’t have the perfect words to help comfort Shawn, especially, in his last moments.          That I have guilt because I cannot find joy in Shawn’s death.                 That I cannot see how God can use this situation.                    96ad8d880a28eea04b8fe37ac7c91b63                                                                                                                               Here are some things  I learned the week  of Nov. 10th:              I was told I need to have a designated place, where I am comfortable and unhindered, and can let my grief emotions flow freely, as often and as long as I need.     I was told to be patient with myself.   Apparently, there are times, in our lives, when it is okay to be selfish.                         I learned that work has been very good for me, it has forced me to not crawl into a hole.  I was told that it  is great that I have had the desire to keep working, and it is wonderful that I love my job.                I was told to be cautious about “toxic” situations or people, and to not allow myself to feel guilty for having a kind-of buffer zone. There are many issues that can I be put on hold and dealt with at a better time.  It is not good to add more onto my plate, not now, anyway.  It is important that I don’t make issues worse.      I learned that I am not the only person who has improvements to work on.                               I was told that I am in a complicated, traumatic, grief situation with many layers to work through.  I was told that this is going to be a very long and a very hard journey.     Then I was told it might take me 3 to 5 years to even come to a point of accepting Shawn’s death and that  the guilt needs to take a back seat.                                        After I was  reminded of the details of Shawn’s situation-from someone, not myself,  I was told that I was not responsible for Shawn’s death.  ~~~ I gulped, then replied. “How, how, how ???   AND how did I not fail Shawn ??? !!!”             I was told, in time, I will be able to look at my actions, during Shawn’s situation in a more positive way.                                                                                                 ebbd62783246950badb929ed8ad81cce    I was told to keep writing-“get the thoughts out.”   I was told that the posts that have been the most tear-filled, in the writing process,  have probably been the most healing-I just won’t be able to  see it, for some time.                                                                                    I have been feeling guilty for not having any energy to care for others.   I learned that it is not volunteering I need to do, at this time.  I, already have my big assignment.      What !?!         Immediately, I am  to embrace Shawn’s people-those who were dearest to him.  I replied that I cannot see how I have anything to give any of them, being the wimp that I am.   It was pointed out to me that Shawn’s memory,  his character,  his life, will need to be past on, through me. I gave birth to Shawn and I am the one who  needs to tell and retell who Shawn was. It is important, especially for his children to be reminded of their Dad.    I am not to let folks tell me not to say his name-if they don’t want to hear, they don’t have to listen, or be around me.             I will need to be bold.            I was told folks who have not had this type of loss, have no right to tell me how to deal.    We all face situations, uniquely.     I was told grief like my years of asthma is not an easy journey.  I have to learn along the way how and what helps.   It is just plain fact that this  is something I am going to have to deal with -for now constantly, in time, less.                       I  was told that my loopin’ was super important—-I need to do my best to keep  loopin’ or doing my walking DVDs, at least 6 times a week.                                                                         d3d2a49290c518888e21d14247ec1b16  !!!                Last,  I was told to think on this:   “If I were telling Shawn about all these things I am finding so difficult, regarding his situation, how do I think he would respond back to me ? ”                 I replied that I could not answer.                             So, it might have to be a writing assignment.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I  asked one of my friends, who has been on the grief journey longer than I have, “Do the emotions get easier to handle ? ”   This was her reply:                      

Yes they come and go!!! It’s been over ten years!!! A few months ago I went back to fla to get rid of our storage and I had forgotten all her stuff was there … Her journal., her letters, her pic etc it brought it all back like it had happened that day!!! Took me for a loop!!! When you have PTSD it never goes away and can be triggered!!! I didn’t know that and I was sent down the rabbit hole for three weeks!!! So to answer your question it can be triggered at any time!!! I found that if I i brasses the pain and the tears and let it all out I felt better after!!! It is never easy:( but it does get easier and I will read your story soon when I have s clear moment to myself;)
October 18th, 9:17am

                                                                              

0dc871b0f9986d159c1c4f1eec49209a  Goodbye for now, K

 

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