My Grief Challenges

My Precious Gift Shawn’s 31st B.day January 3, 2015

4a668f6b2b5173ea39569e7642f1eb6f                                                                                                                                                        I was asked about Shawn’s birth events – when I finished it was told to me: ” Shawn certainly was a birthing survivor; a true gift.”                                                                      The day Shawn was born,  I remember being told by the doctors that one of us was not going to make it.  I was adamant that Shawn’s life be saved.  I remember being prepped for surgery, thinking it was my end.    I tried to get my whole self to relax so my body could use all energies for the survival of my baby.     Suddenly, surgery prep stopped.  I was pretty drugged up, paralyzed from the neck down. Then,  I heard,     “The baby is coming !”  I was told to push, but I couldn’t feel anything.  I had nothing left in me to be able to push—so I thought.   I was asked to push one more time, as someone lifted my upper body up. and quickly  laid  me back down.           I remember Shawn’s  little body being placed on me. BUT I couldn’t make my arms work and I certainly did not want to drop my precious gift—after all—we both had survived.  So,  I asked someone to hold Shawn. Then I sobbed, as someone else held my Shawner.                                                       I do not know how we came up with the first name, but Paul was for my Dad, and David was for Dave-Shawn’s Dad and my Gramps: David Million.       Then the doctor told me that Shawn weighed 7 pounds and 11 1/2 ounces, and that he was quite a bit bigger than the doctor first expected.  The doctor also commented  that Shawn was cozy and safe and just did not want to be born.                                                                                                   The pain of Shawn’s goneness continues-kind of like a growing volcano.  In some ways I  hurt worse than the day he died.   Thus far, things are  not getting easier.  Oh, I can stuff emotions better, but I am tormented by: did I torturously keep Shawn alive-cause I couldn’t let him go, when others were ready ?           Or, did I lack the faith or the right words in my prayers ?                                                                           Today is January 1, 2015. I am so tired of “Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”.  I keep hearing over and over on the radio of various testimonies about how God was faithful and healed someone.   When I turn on the news, I am jolted by the awful events that have happened.   I am intensely sad for those who have lost, or that the event seems soon. I sorrow deeply for those suffering in a variety of ways— I was told it is because I am an extremely compassionate person: I actually hurt when others hurt—so no, I am not just feeling sorry for myself.  I hurt for others, as well.     It is just that  Shawn’s death  hurts so  violently.     It is all so hard to explain.                                                                                                                     2 songs played a lot when Shawn was in Harborview: Lincoln Brewster singing “Everlasting God” with Levi Brewster quoting Isaiah 40:31. The words of that verse are on a plague I wrote for Shawn, many years ago.   The other song was: “Steal My Show” by Toby Mac—I wonder if people really grasp the meaning ?  These 2 songs have played at times that I have been dealing with intense emotions regarding Shawn’s goneness—I do not know why.                                                             Shawn, I miss you so much !!!

2014-12-24 09.46.16   2014-12-24 11.57.07

2014-12-24 11.36.53   How I wish I could have ALWAYS kept Shawner safe in my arms.

2014-12-24 10.01.15    20130516_200756                  Such cuteness !!!

2014-12-24 11.39.43   2014-12-24 10.37.47     Such preciousness !!!

2014-12-24 11.21.22   I always loved Shawn’s frompy  attire !!!            He was silly;  Long pants in the summer and shorts in the winter.       2014-12-17 18.01.51      What, in the wooorld, were Bob & Shawn doing up there anyway ???

2014-12-17 17.49.19   Oh my !!!   Melissa & Shawn.

2008-01-01 12.01.31   2008-05-31 19.30.35                       He was such a character !!!

2008-01-01 14.52.262008-01-02 11.10.21

2008-05-31 19.08.18  Just a few photos to let you folks see the Shawn I miss so very very much !!!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA The summer of 2014,  I took Sam to Shawn’s favorite skate park.  Sam was excited to show me what his Dad had taught him about skateboarding. We had fun letting the board roll on it’s own from the top of the wall and back and forth, on the lower areas.         Sam had told me that his Dad used to bring bouncy balls and throw them, in the skateboard area, and watch where the bounce took the balls.     So, that is what we did.     Sam and I had such fun as he taught me how his Dad said was the best way to throw the bouncy balls.                     I had noticed when we first arrived, at the park, that there were several boarders but for some reason, none were to be seen, during our time of recollection. When it was time to go, Sam wanted to do some poses on his Dad’s skateboard. Poses Sam was certain his Dad would just love.

A couple more things to share as I wrap up my tribute for Shawn’s 31st b.day.

First, around Thanksgiving break, I was dejunking a bit in the garage. Bob was thinking of getting a new sauna and I needed to rearrange for a bigger model.  As I was finishing, I glanced  up at the storage shelves, in the upper section. For whatever reason, my eyes landed on some Christmas lights, that had been unmoved for at-least 5 years. I took the bag down wondering why I had kept the lights, they were just clear-not blue.     As I opened the bag to see what might be hiding inside, I came upon a template-it was for a lighted b.day board.   You see, I had made lighted b.day boards for Bob, Melissa and Shawn, about 1988. As I pulled the cardboard out, I saw Shawn’s name.     I was completely caught off guard.                              I wondered what had become of the other templates ?                It didn’t take long for my mind  to come up with a way to use the template for Shawn’s upcoming b.day.                            I didn’t use the clear lights that were in the bag.  I used the 2 strands of lights, Shawn’s neighbor took off Shawn’s house for me, after his funeral.                 Shawn had put the lights up the night before the fire. He had all kinds of decorating ideas he was going to do December 4, 2012.     He even had all the ornaments I had made, on the kitchen table.   They had survived the fire.                                   When Shawn’s neighbor took the lights down,  I had no idea how I was going to use them, scorched as they were.   For that matter, I didn’t even know if they would light.   This is the second project I have used the lights in.                           I don’t ever plan to clean off the soot.                                                   It would be so neat if I could find the photos of Bob, Melissa and Shawn with their lighted b.day boards.

 20150103_082536 20150103_140222  20150101_212632

After Christmas break started, I spent many hours in Kinkos, copying  photos to CD so I could start working  on Shawn’s Memory Trail.  Something jarred my memory.    Maybe I could find the b.day song I had done for Shawn’s 29th b.day-at Harborview.                                       What makes this so special for me is that Shawn had had a long day of birthday visitors. Melissa and I were last. Shawn kept falling asleep.      I was worried that I was not going to be able to sing to Shawn with a voice he so loved.  I had nothing else I could think of  to do for his b.day.                      Then, Shawn woke up. I believe I asked if he had enough energy for one more b.day doing ?  He gave a nod of approval.                        While getting ideas together for this post,  I was brought to tears when each site I tried to play  Shawn’s b.day song, wouldn’t work. Each location I tried,  said there was an error and the video was no longer available.  My heart sank-just a Shawn connection I do not want to lose.     My hope is that it was just a bad internet connection and that the song is not lost.    We will find out when I hit publish.         I will let Shawn’s song  be my close.         Oh yes,  I know the wraps covering Shawn’s burns might be tough to view, but if you look carefully, Shawn’s smile… so precious                                                   How I miss my Shawner.

    54cfa16a5e99d6deda04efe8e6e55efe

http://youtu.be/Ef4KYfhuTDc       (singing to Shawn)

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