My Grief Challenges

On The Cardboard January 17, 2015

201500001068                            I mentioned last week, about  new calendars and putting on the important scheduled dates.       Here is the message typed on the cardboard insert for each calendar.   Written by DaySpring co-founder Roy Lessin.

“Just think, you’re here not by chance, but by God’s choosing. His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else-you are one of a kind. You lack nothing that His grace can’t give you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfill His special purpose for this generation.                                      To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1”

                                                                       This past December, I was given 3 To Dos:                                                                                                                                                             # 1.   Be physical.    Since I have been loopin’ on school days and doing Walk Videos on non work days, I was encouraged to keep going. For this one I  get a pass.  Oh, when I am loopin, I have been wearing my    Navy-Blitzen-Convertible-_14672_410_IS        Crocs Blitzen Convertible Winter Shoe. An excellent purchase. My feet are comfy and warm, so much so, that I wear them all work days.  One more thing about loopin’: I was between runs and saw a friend walking the track. He is recovering from lung cancer. He has told me how he has paced himself.  I thought I would walk 1 lap with him to see if my pace was close to his.  We were quite the pair. Both of us had singing noises coming from our airways. Both of us had to keep clearing-those of us with lung difficulties usually need to clear or cough a lot to keep airways free of-stuff- ???  (phlegm).   I was sad, I could hardly keep up with my friend. I am keeping my goal though, by the end of the year, I hope to be able to be  loopin’ 8 times, each work morning. Right now I am at 6.       !!!  I am extremely thrilled my friend is doing so well !!!                                                                                                                                                                                                              # 2.    I was told to be more social. No matter how uncomfortable the event might be. I need to give it a 20 minute effort.             *   After setting up Shawn’s b.day decorations, I was going make an effort to visit with those who stopped. I did not want anyone to think I was trying to be showy, regarding Shawn’s goneness. As it turned out, I was able to listen to several people tell me of precious memories of their dear ones, now gone. I was touched that so many were willing to share , so openly. AND none of us were hindered when a tear would trickle. I wish I would have given more time to the visitors, but I was very apprehensive.       *   At the beach, I was able to get  in touch with some dear friends. I went to church with them and spent the afternoon with them. That was too easy. I am pretty sure this is not fulfilling my assignment.  I must needs to make an effort to find more social events to try and attend.  So, I do not think I earned a good mark for my social assignment.                                                                                                # 3.   I was told I need to do things that used to be fun. How ???  and why ???              While driving through Rockaway, I saw fresh  firewood, neatly stacked, for sale.    A recall happened.    You see, I used to love pittin’.                  Surely by now, you folks might have noticed that I tend to have my own terms. Pittin’ is: My fire pit with neatly placed wood pieces and roaring flames for warmth and cooking.  My pit has wheels so I can maneuver it easily on the deck.                                                 Before Shawn’s fire, I used to love getting the wood piled up for a relaxing sit by the warmth of the flames. Yes, munchies were ready to be enjoyed. I would sit leisurely on one of my bistro chairs.   Me, relaxing, is just not the kind of person I was born.         Our Chihuahuas never understood why I liked the flames.    Now,        well I think I have tried pittin’ once since Shawn died and  was at a campfire with family.  Each event was torture.  I  kept having flashes of Shawn’s burnt body.   I will  press on and find those things that used to be fun. Maybe, in time, painful visions will cease.                                                      In the mean time, I am going to enjoy commercials like the one with Ickey Woods doing the cold cuts shuffle. I absolutely love this one-and it makes me laugh. Ickey Woods nor Geico, probably never imagined that their little project would be used to help someone laugh during their grief.      http://youtu.be/QFrsR9NByc4

wpid-wp-1421444458326.jpeg This is PorQ. I met him at Dad and Mom’s while planning Shawn’s service. I haven’t  worked on his videos for a while.  This past week, I kept remembering the moments we enjoyed his company.  I just cannot imagine how his little self was going to know what to do next.  While recording him, my heart hurt. he was alone in a strange place.   He roamed all around Mom’s flower bed- I am not sure what he was doing.  Maybe looking for a munchy or a way home ?   PorQ had to be feeling unsure.   That is how I am.     I have to admit that this grief journey has left me feeling unsure.        Trying  to figure what to do next.  There are so many issues that need to be dealt with, how does one know what order to decide ?                      Well, I was given my next assignment. I am to relearn who I am.  3 things were put on my list-to give me a start:   I am a mother.    I am  artistic.   I am a Christian.   I think there is more to the assignment than that.   So, I guess I will wander around, like Lil’ PorQ, and see  if I can figure out who I am and where I belong.

    This is all I can muster, today. I hope I will be able to learn some things to share with you that might be helpful or encouraging.  

 For some reason, this thought plagues me.  Will my guilt cease ???                                                                   Shawn,  If only you could have told me what to do, I might be able to handle your goneness better. I miss you so……..

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 Bye, K

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