My Grief Challenges

A Blinky Star February 14, 2015

Bob and I went to a sportsmen’s show.  I guess I figured with all the sports men out and about doing sportsman stuff that there would be quite a few wives who used their alone time to make crafty things to sell at a  sportsmen’s  show. Then again, maybe a lot of woman go with their man on  sporting outings ?                                      Example                                              Oh sure, there were a lot of display areas for fisherman, quite a few for hunting, various charter companies were represented.  One building was for boats. Another building had camper type products and various cooking methods, and  four wheeling machines.   I guess  this was not the time or place for crafts. I wish  that my idea for ornament 2015 wasn’t already figured out or I might have figured a way to use fishing lure parts.                         My favorite  display was the furniture crafted from logs, along with wrought iron sculpted pieces. I usually get business cards of my favorite display-so I can look them up on-line. For some reason, this year I didn’t.                                                Towards the end of the second aisle, a flash of light caught my eye-from the peripheral.                Let me take a detour.                                                                                                                          You see, with my ocular rosacea I experience these flashes of light. These happen at the end of the day when my eyes are exhausted. My eye doctor said it is common and nothing to worry about.   After all, my eye evaluations showed no sign of worsening or of deterioration.  The flashes of light happen when the nerves in the eyes are too active and it causes a type of misfire =  sparks of light.   I tried to say this as accurate as I could remember how my eye doctor explained things.  Here is one article I found about ocular rosacea:      http://www.allaboutvision.com/conditions/ocular-rosacea.htm         I am quite relieved to learn  that my flashes are  misfires- hey,that kind of ties into the sportsmen’s show.  For many months I had been nervous about what was happening to my eyes.  Plus, this past week, a co-worker asked me how I learned what my eye problem was.   She has an eye-lid irritation happening and no test has found the problem.                                               Back to the show.     I have not had a light flash episode happen in a well lit area, so this flash that caught my eye, startled me.   I turned and saw a blinking star. I thought  I had found a craft display.  Nope.  I was so intrigued by the star, I failed to ask any pertinent questions about the outdoor pole structure.s I did ask about the star, the attention getter-clever. The woman was caught off guard-for only a moment. I had asked where she found the star. I thought maybe a dollar store.  No. She just couldn’t think where she had found them.  She showed me how it twisted on , for blinking.    Then, she remembered that  she had the package and was able to dig it  out from the bottom of a bag. She was sure she could tell me where to find them. As we looked at the package, there was not a single word typed, anywhere. Then she did the most wonderful thing, she looked up to the ceiling and said “Let me look in my folders.”    I was so thrilled !!!  Another person who folders, everything of each day-in their mind. I have not met another person who folders.  She then looked down at the floor and said she just needed to sort through her folders. She was sure she would remember where she purchased the blinky star. For me, I actually stood there quietly, as I know for myself,  I need quiet as I search through my folders for an answer.    I told the woman she did not need to explain-I knew exactly what she was doing and  I told her how wonderful it was to meet another person who folders     Who would have thought a blinky star   20150214_141532  would lead me to another person who folders ?  And, at a sportsmen’s show, of all places. As Anne Of Green Gables (my favorite)  would say, “kindred spirits”.   Because the woman could not figure out where she purchased the blinky star, she gave me  one of the extras.   Sometimes, just one little common makes one not feel so  alone or too different.                                                        My grief battle this week:                                                                                                                      6c2c215b29b8b53affa2a64ed4b8fb15   So, maybe I wasn’t thankful enough. I have heard many  folks talk about how they were thanking God for various situations in their trial. AND how God miraculously healed someone, they believed because of their thankfulness. It made me start thinking; is that why Shawn didn’t survive ?  Truth be told, I do not think I have thanked God for any part of Shawn’s situation-up to even now..  Here I go again, blaming myself for things not working out. I know folks will say there should be no guilt to be had. Well, this is what I have to say; until you have to have a talk with doctors about shutting life saving machines off, you have no clue what kind of guilt will be at your heart’s door, every moment.                                    f543021c587643976fd6303091b34df6              So what did God do at the height of this agonizing thinking about my not being thankful ?     He had Mr. Squirrel visit the bus across from mine, again.   You see, I was getting ready to clock in. I was going to dump my garbage first. As I was going past my co-worker’s bus , I thought it odd he was just sitting in his bus seat. As I looked more closely, it was not a person. Mr. Squirrel  was sitting on the steering wheel. His paws were at his 10 & 2. His little head was looking right and left, as if he was readying to drive out. I quickly, put my garbage back in my bus and grabbed my phone. I was sure  I was going to get a cute photo for my next post.  As I stood in front of the bus, focusing on Mr. Squirrel, he gave me a bothered look. I thought I hit the take photo button. No picture came to my phone, and Mr. Squirrel scampered down the bus aisle.   Each time the guilt of un-thankfulness leading to Shawn’s death, grows to an eruptive state the remembrance of Mr. Squirrel, on the bus steering wheel, gives me a chuckle. I don’t care that a lot of folks think of squirrels as rodents and mischievous, God  seems to be using Mr. Squirrel  to give me chuckle moments, lately.    

 

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3 thoughts on “A Blinky Star February 14, 2015

  1. Kathy, Healing is something that I have been thinking about lately. On the one hand I know that God promises healing to the broken hearted, but on the other hand I have doubted it is even possible. The direction I have been moving lately is this: I had a vague idea of what healing would look like, and I think it was wrong. Healing isn’t going to look anything like I thought it would. It’s more like healing from an amputation than from a cold or the flu. Everything is changed! And I don’t know what healing will look like, but it will take a long, long time, if it is ever fully accomplished! Tracy

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  2. Tracy, thanks for having the courage to comment.
    Once in a while I will have a moment when I think this grief journey is doable, then I get slammed by the ache from Shawn’s goneness. I cannot imagine what the “healing will look like”. I cannot imagine having the strength to endure until the healing happens. I cannot imagine seeing a positive from this trial.
    I have had many surgeries; something bad had to be removed. After each surgery, the healing was excruciatingly painful, not immediate, and very hard work.
    While trying to jot this note, (Matthew 10:29-31) started running through my head.
    My continued prayers for you dear Sister, in Christ. Thank you for your encouragement. K
    P.S.Tracy, in no way was my comment meant to be taken in a negative way. My hope is that some day I would be able to handle my difficulties as well as you have.

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