My Grief Challenges

“!!! MRS. K. WE’RE LOST !!!” February 21, 2015

                                                                                             2011 IC CE Series School Bus In The Morning Fog, With Strobe Light Dancing In The Rear.

This tell happened on one of those dark, foggy mornings. The fog was so thick in places that it was hard to find landmarks to know where to turn. Before the last 2 stops, we have about a 2 mile stretch of straight road to drive, with signaled stops.                               All of a sudden, one of my kindys yelled these words: “!!! Mrs K. we’re lost !!! We’re going the wrong way. We are  going to crash. We are not going to  make it to school on time.  We need to call our parents and the school, can I use your phone ?”   I was  quite puzzled by such frantic words.      I calmly commented, “No need to worry, this is the way we always go, no need to call anyone-Mrs K is spot on time, I know exactly where I am, I promise-everything is alright, I will get you to school safely and on time, unless we have to wait for a train.”  Other passengers were becoming concerned.         None of them knew where we were, and they were sure  Mrs. K was on the wrong road.                                          It finally dawned on me, for several months, now, it has been very dark on our way to school.   So, I had my passengers look out of their windows, to see that it was,  daylight.  Their reactions were so cute.  I  started commenting on familiar landmarks. Many thanks came my way as the youngsters realized  I knew where I was going, and that all was fine.  The atmosphere settled down and the usual chit chat  began again.                              There must be something for me to learn in this little tell.     I guess right now, I must be in the dark.  The landscape I traverse seems so unfamiliar, I’m unsure, how can God make good come from Shawn’s death, and why did it have to happen ?                     In my early teens I memorized Isaiah 64:8. For some reason, back then, it hit me hard.    The reason I chose this photo was because it represents me , so well.       Potter & Clay   Though the  grief ache remains harsh,  5c90ea67a591ad9ce4b52affdb2ceb1f .                                            At the beginning of this past week, a friend reminded me of this scripture.  6700096a13aa9ccbcefd06b6da02cf5d   The next poster is  sooo me:      Lord, I bring  On the radio, I kept hearing this song by Kari Jobe: “I Am Not Alone”.      Is my grief too thick to see God’s messages ???  4.0.-Dark-blue-rose  I have been quite open about my guilt trips .    Guilt:  Good vs Bad by Suzanne Grosser

Guilt can be a good thing. It will tell you when you screw up and how to fix it. But PTSD often turns this healthy emotion against us. So how do you cultivate the good form and eliminate the bad? First, you have to know which is which.

Bad Guilt (BG) plays the same tape over and over, for years and years, if you let it. Nothing ever changes. You will forever be condemned for every little thing you have ever done wrong. BG never goes away. It just plays your sins and shortcomings over and over.

Good Guilt (GG) doesn’t wait 20 years to tell you that you did something wrong. The good kind of guilt shows up immediately, as soon as you realize you were wrong about something. Even better, it goes away when you listen to it.     4.0.-Dark-blue-rose        I tend to apologize, sincerely, A LOT !!!   I am sure my crying, on the day I was born, was my way of apologizing for every cotton picken’  thing that didn’t go smoothly, that day.  I don’t want to hurt or offend others, I don’t want to add to their load, I don’t want to be misunderstood, but it happens, frequently.     That being said, I hope folks realize that  none of my posts are written to gain sympathy or to make others look bad. If this has happened, please forgive me.   It is my hope that in sharing  my grief and health battles maybe someone would be encouraged by something I have learned. I hope others would have courage to share what they have learned, in hopes of helping someone else.  I would appreciate folks being patient with me, as I am  learning to live and deal with the trials of grief, how to respond or not, learning about computer stuff for blogging-it has been very difficult and very time consuming, for me.   For the life of me, I cannot figure why someone thought this would be good, for me,  to do. I will keep trying-maybe God has given them insight.  So, I put MMF (Moving Mercifully Forward) in God’s hands, after all He is the Potter.                                                                                                                        

4.0.-Dark-blue-rose Regarding exercise:  I  always start the first loop praying The Lords Prayer ( before I pray for various needs of friends and relatives). I try to think what each phrase is saying. This week, ” deliver us from evil”,  hit me so hard as I cried for the  many Christians who are being persecuted by those who don’t believe  in Jesus for salvation.   Then, my friend joined me, for a few loops, as she left, I had seen a dark figure approach the top section of the bleachers. The fog was getting heavy and I could not see what it was doing, except, just standing there.   I have a bleacher friend, Jeremiah, he does pull-ups, sit-ups and runs up and down the bleacher steps. He would have told me who he was and asked how things were going. This figure just stood there. I was asking God to deliver me from evil, or that I wouldn’t be afraid.    I had 2 more laps to complete !!!  As I neared the buildings for us bus drivers and staff, I realized that there was a long straight strip of track, opposite the stranger. I hadn’t paid much attention to it, before. As I looked at it, and visualized bending the ends, towards the track, it looked like it would be the length of half the track. While the dark figure remained standing, I decided to make the straight way work. I was able to see the dark figure, from across the field, and had a quick escape if I needed one. I did get my six loops completed, just not the usual way. Nothing happened, but my nerves were a bit on edge. Out of all these weeks loopin’ and suddenly a dark figure ? You may not understand, the great relief I had on that straightway, yes, a simple silly prayer, answered.  This is not intended to lessen the true harsh evils others are facing.


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