My Grief Challenges

Another Comfort Is: April 19, 2015

Lord, Enlighten     I really like this prayer. Sometimes the issues in life are just too difficult and the words don’t seem to form to express the angst deep within.       Another comfort is found in knowing:   Holy Spirit groans   One of my grief battles has been the loneliness of my grief journey. All the times I have read and heard the scriptures about David and his trials, I do not recall the following. Maybe, my circumstances have led me down a path that causes me to be more aware of the struggles others face.   

Psalm 142 4   No Man Cares For My Soul More Than God. – Psalm 142:4, “I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.” – See more at: http://access-jesus.com/Psalms/Psalms_142.html#sthash.YNySySS3.dpuf   Yep, David understood the loneliness that come out of grief situations.

  I think Job understood aloneness, as well. Oh sure, Job’s “friends” sat with him, for a few days. Then they unleashed, as if they really understood the why of his situation. What kind of support did they really give ? Or did they tell Job, as was told to me: ” We all have hard circumstances of our own to deal with and we just get wrapped up in our own trials, life does go on you know.”   

While loopin this past Friday, and finishing a tear time, for whatever reason, I looked up into the dark clear sky: a falling star. It was seemed to travel such a short distance, in such a short period of time-a blink of an eye.  For me it represented Shawn and his life on earth.   Falling Star  So many moments, I find that I still cannot believe Shawn is gone. Maybe, I just do not want to accept it.  And now, the time is almost here. A time I will dread until my days end. A time of great aloneness. A time of such deep agony.  Then I am caused to wonder if Jesus had this type of aloneness while walking a crowded road, carrying a heavy cross ?  I wonder if any of Jesus’ friends or followers called out words of encouragement ?  Or were they caught up in their own lives, not really thinking about what was happening around them.  Did Jesus’ 3 closest friends, even try to grasp the weight of sorrow Christ was facing ?   Just wondering.    I am just alone in the crowd.      

I have been told  folks don’t understand why I am having such a hard time with my grief journey.   At the same time those very folk have not even bothered to find out any details.  I wonder if folks think how they do act around someone grieving.  Do they try to ease someone’s  journey with care?                                                    

Will I ever hear God tell me that  I did not do anything wrong regarding Shawn’s end.   I need for Shawn to tell me he was/is not angry with me for how his end happened. I truly cannot imagine peace until then.      Jesus; man of sorrows.             Christ deserved God’s help not me.                4e8a8f15d2644d1f7b3458c0871aa368

Friday. the 3rd of April. A thought occurred to me. There was a mother who watched her son die, Jesus’ mother. BUT, she had no doing in the cause of her son’s death.  God, watched his Son die

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Our pastor shared an illustration he had heard from a grief conference in CA Oct. 2014. I will try my best to relay,  but I am sharing some parts..  One night a child had fallen out of bed. The attending doctor asked the child if he wanted to play a game called bug in a rug. The child must have replied yes. The child was wrapped tightly from neck to toe. The doctor then started stitching the gash. It sounds like the child became anxious , upset then mad. The mother stood by knowing things would be better in the end.

I did not find comfort in this example.  The torment of Shawn’s end as proceedures and machines were slowy stopped. I watched my son die after allowing the doctors to decide when. There wasn’t a way to hold Shawn because of the unhealed skin. I could not tell him things would be better.      Just some wonderings.

From facebook :  ThePilgrimsProgress

 In the Mire   And I saw in my dream that, the two drew near to a quagmire in the plain called the Slough of Despond. Before they knew what was happening they had fallen into the bog. Many had died there before. Because Christian had a burden upon his back he sank faster than Pliable did.

“Is this the happiness you promised me? Pliable said angrily.

With that, having no burden to contend with as Christian did, he scrambled out on the side of the swamp that was closest to his own house. As he was easily persuaded to come, he was equally persuaded to quit. So, he left Christian sinking in his fate.

 Sometimes, I have a hard time holding my tongue.

One Mom was very excited for her son’s wedding. At the same time she ran off a litany of issues that were stressing her-the wedding was out of town and the meal prep was becoming overwhelming. Plus, there were a variety of folks that had their own ideas of what should be done compared to hers.  She was very anxious with all the details that needed to be decided upon.  While I listened to her tell me all that was stressing her, I was thankful for my glasses that hid my tears. I did show care while at the same time a  thought ran through my mind—at least you have a son that you get to help with wedding plans.   This all made me remember how excited Shawn was that Iwould help with his wedding.                                There was another Mom planning a birthday party for her son. I was walking into the drivers room and overheard some of the details. Then the mother went into detail about looking for the son’s baby book. A lot of looking, by manyand a lot of time. She was so sad that the book couldnt be found-itwould have been a great detail.  I was not in the conversation. I heard how many felt so sick that the book was no where.     Again, my glasses saved me. I passed through the crowd and no one had a clue the tears that were resting on my glasses frame. I didn’t say anything- but, all that ran through my mind: “Mom, at least you have a son to have a birthday party with/for.  At least your sons are alive.   How can a babybook compare with a real child-no matter their age. ”   So what is more important ? The actual presence of a child at an event or the food or baby book ? What moments are more important to enjoy ?  If you were given 3 days to watch your child die would you be worried about food prep or a book ? Or would you be spending your moments as close to your child as possible-hoping your love could pass through the mire of the end  and hoping your child knew beyond any doubt your love.  There have been a few moms that have told me I didn’t know how hard it was to let their sons go to college or move to another state, or  get married.     i wanted to say it was hard watching my sons last living moments.  I was told by someone, at least I had a son. Just ramblings deep inside as I wrestle with Shawn’s goneness.  Until  later.

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