As has happened before, I had prepared my post, it was going to be my last one on: “Who Am I ???”. I was going to make final changes-yesterday (Friday). Plans changed. I knew I had to get out of my system what had been plaguing me, for quite a while. I must use the tell of a work meeting. The true issues, I can write about, it just may take quite some time to come to a true acceptance of the realities I know I must face. Mind you, the below photo depicts, for me, what would have been a wonderful setting.
Instead, this is similar to our table, at work, with basic stacking chairs—oh well. Friday morning-April 24, it was time for me to present my case to the Accident Committee, regarding the bus accident on April 2. I had put together 2 reports. The detailed one I refer to as the God report : “A Chuckle Moment” , a post from April 11. The 2nd one was: “The Work Report”, a non-post. Since I have my site on my phone and laptop, I tend to do writings there, it is easier. I am embarrassed, though. I printed out both reports and failed to redact site information. Oh well.
What I need to do, is step back to the previous evening, things might make better sense. At a meeting I was told to retell of the happenings that were weighing on me. Then, it was shown to me the time of year these were occurring: my older sis’ situation, the bus accident, the upcoming May 3. I am adding Mother’s Day. I was told the bus accident would be especially weighty and hopefully the upcoming meeting would lighten the load, a bit. All seem to be adding to the grief. It was amazing hearing the happenings being retold to me.
So, a Friday, a meeting. I had rehearsed my report. Actually, I have relived that incident everyday, since the accident. I have driven through that intersection a couple of times in my car, to photo. Plus, I have driven through it in a bus, 16 times. One of my issues has been with our radio system. Apparently, my repeated radio calls for help went unheard. I thought just clicking would at least light my number on the switch board. It was such a lonely feeling. I hope no other driver has to be facing an accident and have no help, from work. Yes, I could have used my phone, but I was wanting to make sure I had gotten photos, so… I remember my relief when a couple of people came from their cars to help. BUT !!!, I cannot express the wonderfulness when the Happy Valley Firetruck, stopped outside my bus door. Because I know the excruciating details of the fireman who recovered Shawn’s badly burned and almost lifeless body, I hold firemen in hire honor. I put out another call to dispatch that I would be fine because the firemen had arrived. At the meeting, I was getting through my report, but a growing angst was taking place. I did not know how long I could hide it. I kept messing up my delivery, I had worked on so hard. I kept telling the folks I had done things wrong: didn’t shut bus off, yelled at dispatch, yelled at passengers. I was sure somehow I did something wrong that caused the accident. I had been told, a few times that it appeared I did nothing wrong, it was not my fault. The person in charge of accidents has gone out of her way to make sure I knew I had done nothing wrong. While presenting, my mind went to a conversation I had with a friend at church, a few days before the accident. I was putting the dish cloths away. He asked how I was. I told him I was having an especially hard time, meaning, I cannot handle the part I played in Shawn’s end. I told him I needed God to tell me Himself, clearly, that I didn’t do anything wrong. I told him I needed to know that Shawn wasn’t upset at me for his last days. But, those things can never happen. My friend simply said, “Maybe God is telling you through your friends that love you. You did nothing wrong, Kathy”. The ache is so painfully crushing. So, as I was speaking, I knew I needed to make a quick exit, before my emotions poured. I still have not seen the video, but I was told the committee would view it, when I left. I warned them of the negatives/wrongs to expect. They would get back to me, later. I had made plans for the rest of the day-I only had an AM high school run and was finished after the meeting. I had made plans to hear the report and watch the video the upcoming week. Mind you, the angst regarding the approaching May 3rd, has caused me great unrest. I had been warned to expect it and to expect it to be worse , as Shawn’s death day draws closer. I was also told not to feel guilty for what is happening, it is part of the process of healing. I was told it is good that I stand up and do what I need to, for myself. Even if it means to be a way from work for a few days. I shakily left the meeting. I was determined to tackle my long list of to dos. At the first store, I was grabbing items for my beach decorations for Shawn, I fell apart. Tears were streaming down my face as I turned down different aisles to escape notice. It was then I knew I had to go back to work. I needed to hear what my trainer had to say. I could not wait until Monday. I received a call from him. He told me I had done nothing wrong. I gulped. I told him I needed to show him the things I had done wrong, maybe they just didn’t catch something. He then proceeded to tell me the things I had done-right. The tears were hard to hold back. I told him all this stuff is hitting me at a bad time, plus, I cannot handle the guilt from Shawn’s death. I actually asked him if he was telling me the truth. He assured me he was. As the conversation was closing, it felt like a weight had landed heavy on my chest. And even now, as I click each letter, the engulfing realization causes an unbelievable misery. I knew that if I accepted their claim that I did nothing wrong, I would have to come to terms with my role in Shawn’s death. It does me no good to hear what I know about God numbering our days. My head knows that. My heart is just having a hard time accepting Shawn’s death. As long as I find ways to blame myself, I might be able to put off the inevitable true knowing of Shawn’s goneness—I am just not there yet. It has nothing to do with some kind of power grabbing. Plain fact is, I cannot come to grips with that true and final goodbye. It is all so overwhelming !!! My head and heart ache so much…
*** Change Of Subject = C.O.S. ***
Just a note about coconut oil. This is the brand Bob & I use. I make a tea using coconut oil, cinnamon sticks, honey and gelatin. I read that the daily recommendation for coconut oil is 3 1/2 T. Here is something: I have been putting coconut oil (from the one with a white label) on my eye areas, at night. I have done this for only a few days. I am noticing that my eyes which hurt and burn from the ocular rosacea have not been bothering me, as much. I have no idea if this is wrong to do, but my eyes feel a little better. I am going to try this for a while and see if it does help. Who knows, maybe it might help my rosacea face not hurt as much.