Since the mornings are getting lighter, I am happily loopin’ on the track. My feet hurt less. This past Thursday, yesterday, I was having a hard time finding words to pray for all the folks on my prayer list. For some reason, I had brought my phone with me. I decided to see if I could find some music to help settle the ups and downs of this awful grief journey, and maybe the words would flow once more for the many I care about.
My mind went back to the time when Portland had a wonderful New Age music station. Kitaro was one of the many talents I enjoyed listening to. I typed in the letters and chose the first selection. The first 19 minutes were my grief emotions put to music. The very start is like how I felt the 3 days before Shawn died. The drums, at the beginning, are what my heart was doing once the decision was given to the doctors. The rest of the music, with all the different instruments, represents for me, the overwhelming, gut grinding, heart breaking emotions that have haunted my moments since Shawn died. The rest of the instrumental dance with its ups and downs, the various paths each instrument travels, some barely noticeable, some are soft, some are rather intense; it is almost as though I don’t need words.
It is strange how the music allows for some sort of releasing of these incomprehensible emotions. Mostly what I hear are my cries to God that: this is too much, I cannot do it, it’s just too hard , God this is not doable. For whatever reason, I found myself needing this music to help me vent those somber grief emotions. Here is the music I ended up loopin’ to. This helped me. Others may have to find what works as a release for them self. https://youtu.be/_ochIabwpOU
The thing that gets me so deeply, is knowing that these cry times will not bring Shawn back. And, when these emotions are not as consuming, then what ? A new place for another kind of guilt ?
I don’t know, maybe my emotions are more on edge as tomorrow Bob and I attend a friend’s funeral. I decided I would post today and have one less matter to deal with on Saturday.
One of the issues hitting me, so hard, this week has been: the missed opportunities, the many calls I missed, how many times I didn’t force our schedules to work out. Why wasn’t I more aware that there might be a day when opportunities would be no more ? I know Shawn loved my smashed spuds and gravy—oh to see and hear him enjoying those scrumptious eats. Until someone is gone forever, you never know what happenings will be intensely desired.
My sister Kathy has the more jovial spirit, of the 2 of us. She found this cute bus photo.