My Grief Challenges

Meeting A Sibling & I Won’t Miss… June 12, 2015

 

Pennsylvania   20 Photos Taken In Pennsylvania That You Won’t Believe Are Real

I am posting early because of my trip to Pennsylvania. I do not like any aspect of flying. So, that makes me ???    I am getting  nervous about meeting a sibling, my sister Kathy and all the relatives from our biological mother.  I do not know how many folks out there have not met a sibling.  

I remember being told about Kath, from my Gram Million. She had asked me to look for an address in her address book. My eyes landed on Kathyln-I had, accidentally, looked at the wrong page. I asked Gram who was Kathylyn ? I found it strange since I was: Kathy Lynn. This happened in my mid teens. Gram was quite hesitant, but proceeded to tell me that I had an older sister. For many years, she had sent Kath cards for her birthdays and Christmas. I will not say much more, because I do not know what Kath would think about me sharing our story. For now I will tell you, that once Gram had told me I had an older sister, my heart lept. How fitting since I am a “Leaper”. You see, several years before I was 10 years old, I had a strange feeling that someone was out there, another part of me-if you will—it is so hard to explain.  When Gram told me the little she knew about Kathy, I knew that all those years I quietly wondered about that feeling, were actually about someone real.

Wow, so, Saturday morning: what does one do when they meet their sibling for the first time, in person ? I am no spring chick. How does one pack 55 years into a “Hello” ?  What if she doesn’t like me ? What if I just don’t fit in ?  I must stop now. I am making myself shaky nervous.  The rest of the post has to do with the end of school.  Hopefully, this isn’t too confusing to follow.

      Ziggy, Enjoy Today

Well, the ceiling, outer window lips, walls & seat crevices, floor, driver area and fans,

No more dusty fans !!!

No more dusty fans !!!

wheel rims and lug nut areas,

Lug nuts cleaned.

Lug nuts cleaned.

 battery Battery Compartment,  antifreeze and power-steering doors, windows and window trims, all cleaned and ready for school year 2015-16.  The step length (my steps) of my bus is 43. I am sure for you folks that is not a big deal. Let me tell you what, when I scrub every inch, I can reach-yes, it is a big deal. And I love every cotton pickin’ minute of it.  Hopefully, I will have the privilege of being Champs driver-again.

  Cute School Bus Phrase Here are a few things I will not miss: smaller rigs that cannot stay off the center yellow lines,   the drivers who take a left into the on-coming lane, rather than their designated lane,    drivers that blow my stop sign,    the pedalers (bikers) that plow through my passengers—on the sidewalk !—while my passengers are boarding or disembarking,    having a 3rd grader-throwing up-for an hour- on my bus,    the frustrations from no picker upper for a Kindy,     all the drivers that will not let my bus enter traffic,    accidentally- overhearing comments like: a Kindy parent telling other Kindy parents that she had to take her child off my bus because my strictness gave her husband war flashbacks,   the geese that walk on the Expressway, rather than fly,     the confusing detour signs,      checking the R&R tracks.

   Sad Owl I will miss comments like; “Mrs. K, I need to sit in seat # 2, behind you. I don’t think I can be good today.” We had a marvelous talk. I wish his aforementioned Mom could have witnessed our ride,          or when K…..asked: “Mista K, do you wub me ?” She is a Kindy who started riding the bus after spring break-she could not speak English-she was from India. I will miss our counting, ABC times, learning the store names and everyday it was her birfday and she would tell me everyone who was having the same birfday, all the foods that would be at the party: ice ceam and cocolet cake,         the mad Dad (caused because of routing complications) who turned glad and was waving as his Kindy got on my bus,   waves from a Chinese Gram-who has learned: “ha a nise ay”,      the Kindy sitter who had told me how drop-offs were done-for years.  I had told her the guidelines I was to follow. We did come to an understanding that I had to see her wave before I let the Kindy out. After-all, I was in charge of someone’s child. My task is to make sure Kindys have a designated person to go to, even if it is inconvenient for the picker-upper. I am thankful for the happy waves., from this sitter.                                                  I will miss my loopin’ time on the track, every work morning.  By the way I have been using my hand weights and doing bicep curls. My lungs have tried to rebel,  but I know this is for the better. 

I pour everything into my job. Some have told me, “a little too much.”    It has nothing to do with caring what others think. It has everything to do with all the tasks God has given me to complete, have I ?    How can God tell me well done…?                                              I have mentioned in past posts that I am a Dot/Crosser, this adds to my struggle with guilt and Shawn’s end.  Have I done what God wanted me to do-in all areas of my life ?  Facing the undones or mishandled situations, or did I try hard enough to be a good Mom ?  The torment is awful.                        I was speaking to a person about getting documents from Shawn’s situation. I was asked to provide proof that I was Shawn’s mother. What if I couldn’t find any proof ?  Why do all the things regarding Shawn, crush me so ?   I know. It all forces me to face the reality of Shawn’s goneness, and I HATE IT !!!

See ya 'round.

See ya ’round.

 

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