It was August 19. I had finished choosing my 2015-16 route. Well, actually, I chose my old bus: Champ-I was so thrilled that no one ahead of me wanted it. I set up my bus accessories and had lots of time before a doctor visit. I pulled into a shopping center, parking lot, with plans to just sit and wait. As I passed some trees, my eyes fell on a most gorgeous object. A Ford Falcon. It was beautiful !!! That’s right ! A pink, 4-door, Falcon, in pristine condition. With half lids over the back wheels. My heart jumped for joy !!! Silly, huh ? Whatever ! I could not take my eyes off of the Falcon. As I drove past, I could tell someone was sitting in it. I remember hoping the shade of the tree made things cooler for them. I decided to park a couple aisles away, between cars, so I could admire the car, from a distance. I couldn’t take it any longer. I walked up to the car. Sheepishly, I told the woman that her car was beautiful. I asked her what year it was. She said 1963. We had fun sharing about the quirks each car had. The women commented how fun our conversation was and labeled us “Falcon sisters”. It was as if we had been long time friends. Her car was in tidy condition, as I have always kept any rig I drive. We were so enjoying our time, we forgot to share names. She told me that earlier that day, someone had left a note on her window, saying, “Your car is beautiful !” Maybe someday, us “Falcon Sisters”, will meet again.Yep, this is the only photo I have of my Chugger. I think it was in the spring of 1980, when Dad let me have “The Ugly Car”. Can you believe my family did not like this precious machine ? In my eyes, my Chugger, was the most wonderful car. I posted about Chugger: My ’64 Falcon, March 8, 2014. Oops, no I did not reread. I have given myself an assignment~~~someday~~~to go back through posts and make corrections-key word, someday. Please bear with my writing imperfections. It may be that as I learn/grow (?) on my grief journey, that other areas in my life may improve. The reason I drove down this memory lane, was to remind myself of precious memories, from my Chugger days. Those memories are undimmed. As I have to face this next phase of Shawn’s goneness, I have hope that my memories of him will remain undimmed~~~many, many years down my grief lane.
When the dark clouds of trial, struggle, grief, or suffering roll in and settle on us so thick that we can barely see ahead of us, it’s easy to forget there is a place of calm, light, clarity, and peace we can rise to. “Lord, help me to remember that no matter what dark clouds settle on my life, You will lift me into the comfort of Your presence.” ~ Stormie Omartian
I am frustrated. Fact is, trusting God isn’t going to change Shawn’s goneness. So here I am stuck in this tug of war of emotions, trying to face my grief Goliath. For what end ???
I know I have been in a pretty bum state, since Shawn died-only made more difficult since Kathy died. BUT, this week something has had me unsettled. It has scared me to the quick. I have been more stressed than the usual first few weeks of school. I am not sure how things are for those with asthma, but I most always have a pain in my lungs, when I breath. This is not said for sympathy, just fact. When my breathing is bad, my voice sounds harsh, especially, if I haven’t spoken very much. Since Shawn died that pain has been close to gone and I have had a regular voice. Shortly, after Shawn died, it was explained, to me, that asthma and grief share the same meridian and the most powerful, rules. Needless to say, I have loved breathing-with ease and talking with a voice that didn’t scare folks. Always, in the back of my mind a big dread has been growing. If the breathing pain comes back-my grief might be lessening ? This causes me angst. If my grief lessens-will I forget Shawn ? I think I want things to stay the same. I would much rather have the sharpness of this first part of grief than moving on with asthma and the possibility of forgetting my Shawn.
DEAR LORD, WITH A TREMBLING HEART I APPROACH YOUR THROWN OF GRACE TODAY IN REVERENCE AND HUMILITY, FULLY AWARE THAT YOU ARE HOLY AND I AM NOT. MAY MY BROKENNESS BE RESTORED FOR THE BEAUTY OF YOUR GLORY. PLEASE HELP ME TO TRUST YOU WITH MY SOUL, TODAY AND TOMORROW, AND ALWAYS. AMEN
Regarding exercise: I have decided that 6 laps is enough. My Fitbit Zip shows that I am 3,000 steps over the 10,000 daily goal. I have been trying hard to work on my eating. Eating, for me, is a chore. I am suppose to eat every couple of hours-a handful of something like: pecans, jerky, grapes, watermelon. Healthy simple foods. Oh !!! I do have something I enjoy munching~salt water pickles~delicious !!! I am suppose to drink 3~~~33 ounces of, not cold, water. Drinking a lot of water and being a bus driver, is challenging. I know for my loopin’ to be effective, I need to put energy into my body. I am trying !!! Wednesday and Fridays. They still bring back harsh rememberings of Shawn’s last days. The guilt plagues me, relentlessly. The realization of his goneness, breaks me. The tears still fill my eyes. This past week, on Wednesday & Friday, while loopin’, Mr. Owl was in the wooded area. He would hoot at me as I spoke to him. Not sure why his hooting was comforting on that lonely, dark track, but it was.
Oh folks ! Just an FYI: I use a lot of posters and pictures on this site. I worry about copyright rules, so I get most of my images from Pinterest. If anyone knows I am doing wrong, please let me know.