My Grief Challenges

The Battle Within September 26, 2015

 

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I found this picture on Pinterest, but forgot to copy the verse. Ooops. I cannot remember the search words !  No matter, it fits me. Even though I am entering a different stage in my grief journey-there is a lot of torment, folks tell me it is self-inflicted. I definitely cannot see how God can use: my decisions about Shawn’s end or his death, Kathy’s death,  or just plain me,  for His glory. I certainly cannot see how God is growing me.   I continue trudging, staying ON the path, waiting for a guiding light-the road ahead is so unimaginable.        A Foggy Path    Mind you, just because I ache deeply because of Shawn’s goneness, does not mean that I have stopped caring about others:  the hungry, the homeless, the many, wrongly imprisoned, because they are Christian. One example: Pastor Saeed is an American Pastor who is serving an 8 year sentence in one of Iran’s toughest prisons simply for sharing his Christian faith. Join us as we petition the international community to demand the release of this innocent man.

A c.o.s. ~ change of subject.Forward is Forward

My schedule is busier than I thought it was going to be. Therefore, I have not been able to get to my doctor, for acupuncture treatments.  A coworker told me about her doctor-only 7 minutes away, from work. It’s worth a try.  As I was  filling out paperwork, I realized I am dreading  the upcoming appointment.   How is it after 2 years and 4 months did I not put it together why I have dreaded most of my  acupuncture treatments ?    Plus, this week my afore mentioned friend was sharing how awful her last 2 treatments had been. She is dreading being poked, again.  Blue Light Bulb                              You got it !!!                                                                                                            The light finally dawned.   Every time my friend spoke about her acupuncture treatment and her dread-it kept taking me back to Shawn’s last hospital days. I had written about it January 11, 2014, in a post “Spending Time Together”. 

Here is a snipit from that post:   I knew how his body was acting. I, even, helped the nurse, who used needles at various areas, to determine if Shawn had any sensation, anywhere.           (Electromyography (EMG) is a form of electrodiagnostic testing that is used to study nerve and muscle function.)   I held Shawn’s hand, legs, feet and head, as the nurse placed the needles- some, deeply. I was sure the needles being placed in his wrist would go right through to me. Shawn was awake, but not one time in that hour did his body jerk. I remember how tired my arms became-trying to not move or shake, as different levels and intensities were tried,  for any kind of  response. My heart had been quickened, as I gulped down emotions that did not like the results I had seen.   I had been there  at Shawn’s last dialysis. I had seen what was in the catheter tubing.  I know how many folks had told me that  I just needed to let Shawn go”.      Such torment that I could not help my son.        Now, I have started dreading my appointment. Each needle has Shawn’s name on it.                It is important to continue trying to get my body better, so, I will face the needle dread.   I do know how helpful those treatments are for me.

Another Rabbit Trail

                                                            Another rabbit trail:

I learned about Carmen Licciardello,  from my hub. Bob-in the late 1980’s. For many years, I have enjoyed his music. I  follow him on fb so I can keep updated on how he is doing, health-wise, since he found out he had cancer.

 Hold on a moment, while I try to connect things !  I am not on fb very much, but when I am the first few posts  I see, are the ones I figure God wants me  to pray for-the ones not on my daily list. For some reason, last Sunday-September 20th,  when church was over, I checked my phone. The first post to show was about Carmen Licciardello, having a concert at Turning Point church in Milwaukie, OR-at 7 pm . I am not a concert goer. For whatever reason, I wanted to go. Even though Bob wouldn’t go with me (because of work the next day).  I have always enjoyed the creativity of Carmen’s work.  The concert was very enjoyable.  Problem is, I was probably the gloomiest person there. Carmen mentioned his health issues and that he was better. For that I am, very thankful. BUT, I had a major grief slam, right there !!!  Deep within, I had hoped going to the concert was a way of having a Shawn memory connection.   You see, one of Shawn’s favorite videos Carmen made was: “Satan, Bite The Dust”. Far as I can figure, it must have been about 1993.     While at this Friday night concert, I realized, past connections will not bring Shawn back-I knew/know that.  His goneness, keeps making me grab into the past, hoping.  Then my hands always come back~~~ empty.  I was probably the gloomiest person there. Another gut punch. Here I am, claiming to be a Christian, and I am a Gloomy Gus. This is just hard !!!

Regarding Exercise:                                                                                                          Loopin’ is going well. The chilly weather is sneaking up. No matter the weather, I will press on. I am not going to give my lungs any excuse for not loopin’. This past week, I was not able to use my hand weights,  I had to concentrate on forcing myself to walk tall with shoulders back. Those costal cartilages can sure hurt.  

Regarding Organizing:   I did learn something from my limited time for organizing to organize, so I can  eventually declutter, and someday, minimalize. With school starting, I have not been able to keep up. So, after I finish this post, I am going to grab a A Blue Basket, fill it up. I goal myself to work on it through the next week. I am not going to let, my things rule me and ruin any non-work time I might have.

 The Peaceful Mom

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