I had some more shares that were, for me, unexpected sprinkles of joy. I will, hopefully, share them next week. As has happened for many posts, the topic I had drafted, changed, as it did for this one. There have been many sad situations, with each, I ache very much for those now on a grief journey: the Roseburg situation, a high schooler died after being tackled, while playing football, another school shooting.
My sister Kathy’s, Sam dog, died. My heart aches knowing I won’t be hearing Kathy’s encouraging words, anymore~~~she was the strong one, I was the emotional one. Many painful situations seem to take me back to Shawn’s death day~~~the emotional slams and the horrible gut ache~~~renewed with every new death situation.
A few days ago, it dawned on me that, naturally, myself has been compartmentalizing my grief. My tear~falls, have changed. I didn’t believe it possible. I didn’t think I would, ever, get to a stage when I wasn’t using a box of tissue, in a day. Now, I am at a stage where I put my grief on hold~ for a later, private moment. A time when I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing the cascade of tears. Where no one hears the groans. As my heart~rips, I am alone.
At the beginning of my grief journey I tried to read various books from parents who had been on the grief journey. I tried writing out all the guttural emotions and then painting over them, again and again. The ache did not leave.
I found fb too much to deal with. I didn’t want to close my account-in case something about Shawn would get lost. So, I started defriending, randomly, many friends. Until a friend got in touch with me and asked why I had defriended her. I explained that everything was overwhelming and nothing could fill the void Shawn’s death left. My friend told me to reconnect with folks and explain. I didn’t. There were too many. Another thing I did to get through my grief, I cried hard, in the shower. I still have many nights my pillow has been soaked with tears while the rest, in the house, slept. Don’t misunderstand me. Today I hate my grief journey more than at the beginning. I have been told I just need to accept it. I have been told to toughen up. I have been told I need to TRUST GOD, more.
Since May 3, 2013, I have had one night in which I did not wake up, periodically, hearing beeping noises. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what it was all about. D~oing !!! The light finally dawned, this past week. The noises were the same sounds the machines made, that were helping Shawn. I think any alarm clock sound jolts me that way, as well. These kind of things keep happening. I wonder when it will be that, sprinkles of joy, will happen, and that memories will not be just jolts of grief. Or am I suppose to replace past sad memories with new joys ? Lots to learn.
God gave me away to release my grief. Turns out that I had written a post, May 22, 2015: Ups & Downs. It tells how I found these songs. I don’t have the outbursts, as often. Now, I put my grief aside, for a later time when I can play these songs, entirely. I call them, my grief releasing moments. This is when my grief groans and gut wrinkles can unfurl.
Kokoro & Silk Road. God made these songs, for me, through Kitaro. The ways God uses others and things~amazing, especially, when the one has no clue how their talent can be used to help another. I have broken the songs down, a bit. Just to give an idea of how the songs fit my situation. GOD must have known that a super emotional person, like me, would need something extra powerful. Here is the break down:
Kokoro: The beginning drums are when I was scheduled to talk to doctors, regarding shutting the machines off that were keeping Shawn alive. The angst when the meeting was rescheduled. @1:08: when the doctors made the decision to shut the machines off and the waiting. @ 2:18: the air sound represents the moment Shawn died. The excruciating emotions of unbelief, lostness, melancholy, dread. How can life be doable ? @ 3:20: a kind of mellow sorrow. The undertone is gloom. Sometimes grief seems so undoable. The toss and turn of emotions. It rears its ugliness with gut grinds unimaginable, a maimed heart from unbelief that this agony is real, past regrets add to the ache, and guilt. @3:48: I cannot see how it is possible to move forward. Then, there is quiet, as the pain of grief’s realness starts again: eerie, more intense, and questionings. @4:28: how do I process this awful shock ? There are so many facets, of emotions, too deep for words. @5:28: the uninvited agony of grief is harsh. Life is a mass of jumbled emotions. Where to from here? @7:48: alone trying to move forward. No choice, no redo, no reset. The dismay cannot be stopped. Slam after slam of doubt: was I an okay Mom ? Did I over~care ? Did I selfishly stay at Shawn’s bedside ? Did my presence cause unrest ? Did I do too much to help, when all I was doing was adding to Shawn’s stress ?@14 minutes the grief is changing.
Silkroad: @14:18: After a long fought battle, the grief ache remains. There is a sense of being in a lethargic daze. Life is scarred. Guilt continues to be exhausting. There is ALWAYS the sad longing. A kind of acceptance is inching in. A placidness wrestling with the brazenness of grief.
@18:28: As my end approaches, after many, many seasons past Shawn’s death, maybe it will be seen that all the agonies of life were worth it ? Maybe it will be evident that the war between my heart and mind, in regards to the realities of grief, can be amiable. Oh how far away the days seem when I can believe: “It Is Well”, but wait for that time, I will and must.
Folks, hard as I try, my preview pages look better than the final posts. I am frustrated !!!