My Grief Challenges

A Strange Numbness From: November 8, 2014


Time In A Bottle   You can copy and paste to get to Jim singing the song.                   I haven’t thought of this song, in years.   I have no idea why it started running through my mind, lately.  I remember when I first  heard it, it tugged, hard, at my heart.    I remember the day his accident happened, an announcement had gone through our school  and those who  had mentioned being relatives of his, were called out of class.   Then  our chorus teacher  told us that  Jim had died. We were all stunned, we were allowed some quiet time, as tears fell for our friends who were aching from their sudden loss.


      Starting the end of last week,  I have had a strange numbness. In the past, I found those times, kind of, restorative. No more.     Now I dread their end. I know the emotions that have been kept on the sidelines are itching for their moment of action.   I would prefer to stay numb.    I have not grown to like the realization moments that follow the numbness.  Usually, something from Shawn’s situation has been tormenting me.   There are, still,  so many triggers.  It is hard to find safe places to withdraw, in order to come to grips with reality.

  In a previous post I  had mentioned how I do not like curtains closed.  I have always liked looking out of windows, anytime, day or night.        Now, I need to see there is an unblocked escape, through windows.               I think some of  this has to do with the fire at Shawn’s house.         There were burglar bars on the basement windows. The scorched skin, cuts, burnt toes, singed hairs, happened because those bars had no emergency release.      2db494d63789d1213aebb2f8047435b2     I chose this decorative example because the memory the regular burglar bars brings, is too…                              I cannot count the times that have played through my mind, when Shawn showed me the bars on the basement windows, and my questioning him about how to get out if there was a fire. He assured me he was strong enough to push them out.   I am reminded of the many times, in the basement— the gut crunch of dread.  I never understood it, just thought it had something to do with being  super claustrophobic.  I never told anyone.                                                                                                                                                 ??? Why didn’t  I  tell Shawn, of my  fear ???                                                                                                                                                                                      ???    WHY   DIDN’T    I   ???    :::(


A couple of weeks after school started, I  almost failed a drug test.   Where I work, we have to go through random drug testing.   I have had several of these tests and try to  wait until I am back at the bus lot before using the facilities, just in case.   As it was on this day, one of the other drivers was sitting at the table —waiting.?.   There are stiff guidelines to follow if one cannot do the test right away.  Okay, so, I was on the list for both tests = drug and alcohol.   And there my co-worker sat-at the table.     I am thankful for the bathroom door. 1st I had to perform the alcohol test.  I have gone through these before, and have almost failed each time.     Well, this day I was sure I was going to have no problems, my lungs were doing well-for me.  As I stood there pushing out the air from my lungs through the tube-my numbers were not getting high enough. The tester kept saying “just a little more”.    I had nothing left. I knew from the pain in my lungs, the end result was going to be several hours of pain-filled breathing.    So, I coughed. Just enough air came out for the test numbers to work. I passed—go figure.    My coughing did not stop.  I wanted to explain to the tester.  I was able to cough out “This is…” the tester finished my sentence.  “Yes, this test is hard for people with asthma.”   How did he know I had asthma ?  I proceeded to cough, very hard.       I    really    needed    to get the next test done.   The tester went into g~r~e~a~t detail  of all the do’s  & don’ts.  I was getting extremely anxious. Then I had to sign my name-while coughing~~~ my word, I never, before, wanted to get the drug test done faster !!!   Finally, all steps complete.    Was I  going to mess up ?     Plus, I was worried, I had  only a short time before my hard kindy run began.       I was careful to follow all the steps—well, I went over the line for  the limit required.             My poor friend, out at the table-waiting.      He had a long wait-as he told me his recount, later. I had told him I am a very private person and how embarrassed I was.  He had  felt bad because he heard  my breathing and it made him hurt.      I was released to drive .       As I checked in, it was suspected that I was too ill to drive. I told dispatch it was because of the alcohol test. They seemed surprised that that would have such an affect.                                                                                                                                                      FYI: most with asthma, do not like to blow-up balloons, we know what the reaction will be.                  I think the alcohol test is harder.

        ***Regarding Exercising:    On the no school days, I have determined not to sluff off with exercising.   I know that several posts ago, I had said I would do each walk routine 33X. That was before I started loopin’. I have several of Leslie Sansone DVDs and plan to walk through them all.  I am going at a pace I can handle.    63130138864a95bbf25a8e9c9ac5f2be         I have, slowly, been walking my way through this DVD.   Walk Away The Pounds   Today, November 1, I had my first try at section 3: Walk & Jog. I made it through the entire workout !  I  enjoyed it sooo much !!!


I have been enjoying Pinterest and Godinterest. There are times I am looking for something to help my ache, and then low and behold I end up getting side-tracked.  During a pinteresting moment, I ended up traveling down my blue trail and found this poster.  The blue is amazing.  I hope to apply the words, someday.        Bye, K


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