In the early part of this week my counselor told me about a friend of his who had been a truck driver, for many years. A situation happened while helping hitch a rig to a trailer. He became pinned between the 2 parts. His leg had to be amputated. No more truck driving. It has been a tough journey, for him. This past Sunday, the man had told my counselor how frustrated he get when his electronic leg wouldn’t work, correctly. He had gone out for a run, his leg wouldn’t work. He fell flat on his face. His journey is not easy. What we both have in common, each of us will fall on our face, probably more than once. And, we may get upset with God. It is going to take time to figure out how to get through some of the complications. I was, also, reminded of David; a man after God’s own heart. He had many moments he was very distraught. He worked through the issues and ended up praising God. Then my counselor asked who I have to talk to. I told him I need to be careful not to overburden others-I am a lot to cope with. It was then that I realized and said, “God took Shawn, who had made it a point that I could confide in him. After Shawn died, I spoke with Kathy-a lot. She helped me bare the holidays. God took Kathy. Most others I know; family or friends, have a lot of issues to bare. I believe God wants me to cling to Him and not others-at this time.” I mentioned that I am afraid whom God might take next. So, I will just wait for time to ease emotions and try not to burden others.
It is beyond me, the appeal folks have for zombies, skeleton parts and vampires, etc. On my high school shuttle trip I was nearing a 3 way stop. To my right, a surprise made me tremor: a head and arms were sticking out of the ground. It has bothered me for years, this intrigue with death and how it is made so gruesome and scary. For me it is not a fear of the dead, it is the separation. There is an awful pain an emptiness, for those left behind. Why are the dying and death aspects of life made to be so ugly and horrifying ? I cannot wait until the grotesque decorations are gone. I just do not understand, nor do I want to.
No school this Thursday, Oct. 28, but us bus drivers had a required 4 hour meeting. The guest speaker wanted us to start thinking about starting a gratitude journal. He had us tell someone things we were thankful for. Well that was that. I know last week I mentioned sprinkles of joy, and I do try to pay attention for those things, but not this day. I have figured out that when my routine is changed, my system of dealing with Shawn’s goneness gets messed up. So, for several minutes I had to leave the meeting, find a location that felt safe so the emotions could stream forth. I hate these moments.
Today, still Thursday, I had an appointment with my Naturopath, She wanted to know how things were regarding my health and grief issues. I had told her how lonely this journey is, I feel so isolated or that I do not fit in, I feel like I am walking on eggshells in order to shield those around me from my emotions. She had told me that one of her earlier patients had said the same thing. She mentioned that I have many complications to work through-it is going to take awhile. I have been working hard at trying to get health issues manageable, at least I am trying. She was unconcerned that I have these emotional lows. She gave me some eating ideas. I decided to go to New Seasons near home. Where I knew I could find the ingredients for bone marrow soup. The grief funk was still with me, but my day was almost done. I neared the check out area. A song came on, that collided with my grief. For some reason, this song takes me back to the last call I had with Shawn. He wanted me to know that I could call and talk to him about anything, lean on him. The song that was playing, at this fairly busy time, was “Lean On Me”. I turned toward a toy display and let the tears fall. Why did this song make my heart hurt so bad ? Then the guilt of not calling Shawn more when he was alive… The song was finished, so I inched my way to the check-out stand, hoping my nose was no longer red,a clear cry sign. I was asked how things were. For me, a Chatty K, to not say much is most unusual. I think I said “okay”, but my voice was still trembling and a tear or 2 escaped my glasses rim. So the cashier spoke to the person bagging. I hate these times. They are embarrassing.
There was a lot of rain, on my way to Kent, WA. to attend a memorial service for my cousin’s husband. I stayed in the right lane, after I found myself hydroplaning. I would ease off the accelerator, as other cars zoomed passed me. To this day, memorial services are very hard for me. I do love hearing all the wonderful memory recalls. Why do I not allow myself to find positives in Shawn’s death ? Why do I have such a hard time with my own grief ? I do care about the hardships of others, but why does my ache rule? My cousin’s husband had MS, for many years. The last few months he was, also, dealing with pancreatic cancer. While enduring pain-filled difficulties, he continued to be a shining light, for God. Will I ever be able to shine in-spite of my challenges ?