Since Shawn’s death I have been walking on eggshells. I have felt like folks have been watching my actions; in regards to how I perform or remember to do tasks, if am I listening, if I am over reacting. A common phrase is: it must be because of her grief. I do try to hold tight my emotions until I am in a safe-alone place. Besides, I really do not want to be a bother. I am more intensely emotional than most. I am a lot to handle.
I seem to be at a place where my grief seems to have become kind of selfish; whether I am aching for Shawn, Kathy or others, I just want to be by myself and deal with it. I know others cannot fill my voids with their words-even though they may care. Grief is a journey I have to do myself. Quite often I tell God that this is too hard. I tell God that I cannot see how there can be any positive coming from this pain. I cannot see how I can be a positive influence.
While clicking this post, my mind kept going back to something I had heard on K-Love. A person had called the station, asking for prayer. It was for a teenage girl-who was in a coma, in a Utah burn center. Her legs were going to be removed, just below the knee, due to infection. The parents were going to have to explain to their daughter upon her waking. I ache so for those parents as they help their daughter through this trying time. My prayers for Baily (spelling?) and her parents. I pray they have no quilt. I pray they will be able to bear up, if anger rears it’s ugly head, from the one they were hoping to help. I pray strength, calmness and times of true rest. I hope their daughter heals and continues loving her parents.
Whenever I hear of these tough situations, my gut wrinkles, I am jolted back to a time when I had to explain to Shawn why his left arm was gone. Many had tried, I guess I was the last resort. Then the recall of explaining to Shawn that his time was drawing near. The angst in some of the life changing decisions… I pray, no, I beg God to make it so others don’t have to make a life ending decision for someone else. The despair, the guilt, the sorrow are so overwhelming.
Last week my counselor wanted me to talk about my job. I rambled off several aspects of being a bus driver: the good and the bad. He had recalled, from a previous session, that I cannot stand having windows covered. He pointed out to me that my job was just right for me. I get to look out a window, all day long. Yep, if I am anywhere there is a window, I have to be able to have an unobscure view. I have also, realized that it is super important, for me to have a way of escape. I am sure it is because Shawn had such a difficult time breaking the burglar bars from the window casing.
My brother, Marlin, told me to make sure I get my 10,000 steps in before a day ends. I have. At the end of last year, I was using my hand weights-they were too much. Just the other day, while picking up elementary passengers, as I was heading to my 5th stop, I saw a couple of AM walkers. One of the ladies was swinging her arms. I have a series of DVDs from Suzanne Somers, On one of the DVDs, some Tai Chi movements were being demonstrated. Swinging the arms: back and forth a thousand times. There are many healthful benefits mentioned, but helping the lymphatic systems, was what hit me.
I decided to see how many loops I could do swinging my arms. I made it half of one. I rest my arms for half a lap then swing them again. If you look up Tai chi: swinging arms you will find informative tidbits discussing the benefits of swinging arms. For now, I am going to skip my hand weights and just swing my arms. I am hoping that as I can swing longer, the benefits will show.
I have something else to share: on one of my quick visits to Pinterest, I came across a pinner who claimed that putting honey on ones face helped with skin problems. I add a little water to the honey to make it easier to apply. I have been fairly consistent. My rosacea has not been burning or itching, as bad. My breakouts are better. I, highly, recommend a good quality of face cleaning pads, the cheap ones break apart too easy. I am not saying that honey has cured my rosacea, it just feels better. My doctor told me that my rosacea should clear up once an inner inflammatory condition is healed. Interesting.
I watched a “Hoarders” television show. This older woman had 3,000 containers her clutter was stored in. Oh man.This one scared me !!! I will not show you how I have organized my crafts-mostly ornament making to dos. I am so afraid I might become like that lady and be a hoarder that puts all stuff in containers !!! She was not dirty, just lots of stuff. Next summer I plan to continue my decluttering. I visited a friend who just moved into her own Tiny House. I have quite a lot more sorting to do. Oh bother !!!
Regarding Shawn’s goneness:
Here is where I am today: I cannot imagine a moment without regret, guilt or doubting. Maybe you all think my issues are just self imposed and cannot understand my ache. I hope and pray none of you have to make choices like: having a child’s limb removed, whether intubation is the best solution or letting doctors determine when a child’s life is over. Then having to explain to the child…why. The rainy weather, today, cannot compare to the deluge within my soul. Yep, walking on eggshells.