My Grief Challenges

Just A Repost From: December 5, 2013

Today is December 3, 2015-PM. My emotions have been bothering me. I have been on edge, not because of my cold. I am just having a hard time. For some reason I searched to do a reread of the events of Shawn’s house fire. Then  I noticed I could make a couple changes in the post.  I sort-of hoped it would help me ???             Something I never mentioned before: the fire investigator came to the conclusion, that the wall heater/wiring were the cause of the fire.                                                         Wednesday, before going to bed, I heard about a house fire: a mom and 3 children were saved. An elderly woman, died.

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To start off, this has been such a frustrating couple of days. Most likely because every month, the 3rd is …   Plus, everything I put my efforts to, has been extremely challenging, which has put me WAY behind on my ornamenting.

I just want to take this moment, to send out my deepest thanks to the many precious and selfless neighbors, of Shawn’s, who helped  so heroically, on December 4, 2012 . I thank God for all you did. I thank you for bearing with me, as I needed to hear from each, the details of that morning.  I pray for God to  bless you above what you ever could imagine. I am, also, so thankful that none of you  were hurt.   Again, thanks, for all the love you showed, my precious son, that horrific day.20131130_200150

On 12.3.12, I was told how Shawn had proudly displayed, on the kitchen table, all the ornaments I had made, making sure each had it’s appropriate card. The next day was going to be the day for the family to decorate the Christmas tree. Shawn had also borrowed the neighbor’s ladder, so he could get a couple strings of lights, on the outside. The cording for the lights, was scorched, but they still work.2013-11-30 20.15.08

It was around 6:30 or 7 AM when J (Shawn’s fiancee) smelled smoke.  Quickly, Shawn was trying to get an opening through the barred basement window. The fire left no other exit. A neighbor was outside trying to help pry the bars off. Shawn, at this point had received many cuts and burns.  A few  toes were burned on the baby’s feet. The baby was safely out of the window. While Shawn tried to get J out, the baby kept trying to get back in.
The girls safely out, the neighbor went to the front door. It was too hot to touch, so he went to the bedroom windows. I believe the windows were broken to get the 2 boys and girl out. I think all had been accounted for. In the chaos 3 year old, Lil K could not see Daddy Shawn-he charged back into the house. When Shawn found this out, he must have thought Lil K would have gone down to Shawn’s room. I know at that point, there was nothing going to stop Shawn from rescuing Lil’ K. A fireman had gone into the main part of the house, finding  Lil K, suffering from smoke inhalation. Shawn had gone back inside, into the basement, where he must have thought, Lil K would have looked for him. 

For a moment, no one was sure what had happened to Shawn. Lil E. was being watched by a neighbor, while the search was on for Shawn. Another neighbor, at the back of the house,  had seen Shawn head down into the basement. So that neighbor turned the hose on-directing the water, hopefully, toward Shawn. The neighbor, said the heat, from the fire coming up the basement stairs was very hot, and made it difficult to get very close.

A brave firefighter went downstairs to look for Shawn. Near the laundry room door, the rescuer found a body passed out, in the fetal position-arms over face.   The rescuer scooped up Shawn’s limp body, burnt beyond recognition, clothes melted to the body with 75% deep tissue burns. It was unclear if Shawn was alive, certainly not probable.                       For some reason this still jolts my heart: a few months earlier Shawn and I had spent quite a bit of time talking and folding laundry on the opposite side of the wall, where Shawn’s body was retrieved from.

*** A side note-I heard a radio personality, on a Christian music station,  mention about painting himself into his basement, leaving no way out. It was a cute story, but my senses are heightened. I shook from deep within, as I listened to him describe the details of his story. I am a very visual person, my mind went back to the events that caused Shawn’s end. Sometimes being visual is a bummer.
A couple questions I have: How many basements have a second way out? How many basement windows are barred, preventing an escape?

Us bus drivers have to give  Evacuation talks,  in hopes that if an event happens, our passengers will be prepared and able to remain calm  and collected and maybe even be  helpful to someone in distress. In my evacuation talks,  I have always  encouraged my listeners to think carefully where-ever they go-in case of emergency, where is the escape route ?   Preparedness, is a good thing.

So much was destroyed in the fire. I was told the ornaments were not destroyed. Amazing.  I was given back the plaque I had made for Shawn, February 14, 1989. Amazing-it was not destroyed.  Someday I will post it and the details.  I wrote an earlier post about Shawn’s baby clothes. Amazing.  Not sure why the mom in me is thrilled to have these reminders.  I would much rather have my precious Shawn.

I previously, posted about the last conversation Shawn and I had. I must have  told Shawn about the 2013 ornament.  I recollect how thrilled he was about it. It was already on the top of his favorite list.   The 2013 ornament was the simplest design, so I thought.  I made many changes, to try and get it right (?). I am so behind.  Each one is made with a whole lot  of angst, tears and love, thus, taking longer. I also know, that if Shawn could tell me personally, he would encourage me not to give up on the ornament-no matter how challenging the process.  So, as I endeavor moving forward, I pray all my family and friends will be encouraged, no matter how simple (?), challenging or painful something might seem, “Keep Moving Forward”.  Leave the outcome to God.                       Here is the 2013 ornament:                           For my Shawner.2013-11-30 20.07.38

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