Today, I am going to jot a little about 3 different issues. Why? I really do not know. For whatever reason, I have been in a grief ditch. At the same time, though, I am working super hard to not let this grief stuff win. It is very exhausting, mostly because I know I will work through this grief stage and still be without my son. I get frustrated with myself: how can I ever be an example when I keep falling into emotional sinkholes~~~all the time ? My grief has, also, re-opened old wounds and taken me down many paths I care not to trod. Grief seems to have an aspect of torment~~~at least for me. I am finding myself frustrated with myself. I have not been a shining example of Christian virtues, while in a storm. However, God did let me hear a new song: “Trust In You” by Lauren Diagle. For now, I keep playing it, over and over. It is spot on for me !!! God keeps reminding me of a promise, from Him, when I was 16. “I will, always be with you.”
#1. My schedule has been full and my energy low. Oh and yes, another batch of ornaments was sent out. This is what I caught myself doing. Stuffing to do items into baskets or fancy zip folders, in hopes of getting them taken care of, soon. I have been letting these items ruin any free moment I might have. So, finding a way out of this clutter ditch, is very important. Then, a friend told me of her decluttering project.
A couple of Sundays ago, a brave soul came to greet me. It was just before the church service was to begin, so there was not a lot of time. I asked her how she was feeling. She gave me an update on her health journey. It is always good to hear the upside of troubling issues. Then my friend went on to tell me of a project that her husband helped her, in doing. Like me, she has a hard time letting things go. Her husband suggested they take 20 minutes to work on a hall closet. He has the ability of tossing, my friend and I do not. He was able to show why something needed to go to the trash. My friend was finding herself able to accept the tossing suggestions. The closet took longer than 20 minutes, but they did finish it. My friend was very pleased at what they had accomplished. A few nights after that, my friend could not sleep. For 2 hours she tried to sleep. Finally, she got out of bed and went downstairs, AND organized a cupboard !!! In her health state, that is a big challenge to do alone. She needs lots of rest to recover from her health issue. As our conversation came to a close, my friend’s happiness and thankfulness were flowing over, as she recollected on her husband’s willingness to help her start on the road to decluttering. She, even, told me her next projects.
The tell from my friend, gave me just enough of a nudge to work on my own mountains. I had been struggling with angst about my own decluttering issues. Rather than let it defeat me, I decided I was going to conquer my To Dos Mountain. How ??? It was MLK day, which meant no school bus driving. I emptied my to dos on the bed. I sorted everything into groups and then numbered them and put them in small baskets. With a full work week, household chores and no energy, small baskets was a very good choice. Each day, for a week, I would work on a basket. I did great ! Now it’s time to file various papers.
#2. I continue looping the track, before each work day. Several times, there has been a flashlight person, walking in the treed area. I have noticed the same cigarette smell, so I am sure it is the same person. For whatever reason, I have been afraid when the flashlight person comes around. One, very rainy morning, I was sure I was going to be seen. I decided to hide behind a building. I was at a corner so I could see when the flashlight person left and I could continue looping. I was drenched. The water was pouring off the roof at the easiest point. Finally, I decided this was not going to help me get my 10,000 steps in for the day. I started walking the long side of the track closest to the driver’s room. As I walked, I determined that the next time I saw the flashlight person, I was going to have my flashlight on. I was going to boldly walk the whole track and I was going to make some sort of greeting.
I did it !!! The flashlight person made an appearance. I turned my flashlight on, and set my pace so we would meet at the same area. He was at the upper part of the field. The greyhounds noticed me first. I then said, “Good morning”. He came back with how pleasant this day had been. This day, no rain. I kept looping and simultaneously swinging my arms. I was so thrilled that I faced the flashlight person and conquered a silly fear.
Oh yes, I continue swinging my arms, while looping. I hope it really does help the lymph nodes.
#3. May 1, 2013 keeps popping into my sleep time. I recall telling God how frustrated I have been about it. I cannot get it out of my head, that awful day when I was told I needed to decide about Shawn’s machines being shut off. Not many parents have to make a decision like that, which I am glad. I told God how alone I am and how awful I still feel. God, I cried out: “This hurts so much !!! “. As loud as if someone were talking to me, I heard: “But I do understand.” Just 4 words. With everything in me, I promise it was like God was speaking to me. As of yet, I am not sure how this mountain will be conquered.