My Grief Challenges

His Mom’s Comment February 13, 2016

 

A few weeks ago, my doctor told me about a boy who had been in a coma for many years. 

Ghost Boy: The Miraculous Escape of a Misdiagnosed Boy Trapped Inside His Own Body - By: Martin Pistorius

It hit me, hard, when Martin shared something his Mom had said, while he was in the coma: “I hope you die.”    It is so hard to watch a child suffer~this I know. The article went on to say that when Martin, came out of the coma, he came to understand his Mom’s comment.  For that, I am glad.

I, almost wish, I could speak with Martin.  Just to get a tiny glimpse from his perspective. Sort-of hoping for some kind-of clue that would help me know that Shawn didn’t hate me.  I just ache because we could not communicate. Even now I wish for  something that would let me know~~~what really was going through Shawn’s mind. Was he upset or frustrated with me for my many lacks ?  Could I learn from someone, who had recovered from a coma, like: what I should have been looking for-as far as how Shawn might have been trying to communicate.  Just insight from a different perspective. Anything. I would like to ask how Martin came to have peace with his Mom’s words. Was Shawn at peace after the decision ?  Those 3 days must have been such anguish, for Shawn~~~waiting~~~how does a Mom console ? What is there that a parent can do ?  Am I going to be tormented,  forever ???  Maybe I need to hope that Shawn came to understand the decision and cling to that ? All this is so frustrating to try to communicate. There are so many emotions, all at the same time.

Like a A Tornado.

After the decision was made regarding Shawn’s life, even then, I was still expecting God to heal him and I was planning on what my role would entail, as far as being a care giver. When the blue bag covering Shawn’s bed rolled him away, into the elevator (I was not allowed to follow, any further)  it was then that I knew I had to change my thoughts~ towards: how I was going to survive this ?  I am still dismayed by the moments of grief attacks, albeit, I am better able to restrain them. It is missing Shawn that is beyond beyond.

Here is one article I found regarding the boy in a coma (Martin):  http://www.examiner.com/article/man-awakens-after-12-year-coma-and-shares-his-story-with-the-world          

I read several articles. None were easy. It seems to have opened a wound. If only Shawn could have told me his wants, I think I could have even a tiny bit of peace. Did he know what was happening ? Was he dreading ? Did it bother him that I kept touching the hairs that had grown back, on his head ? Even the 8 strands of gray-precious. I had noticed those gray hairs when I was trimming Shawn’s hair. He was about 3 years old. He was so cute with a dutch~boy  haircut. How I yearn for his head resting on my exhausted hand. Please God, let my heart be comforted that Shawn is no longer in pain, but is in bliss with You !!!

http://www.garyroe.com/

I decided to add a small part of a comment, Gary Roe wrote me, regarding grief . “I think grief triggers grief, and sometimes the grief can be from the past and buried very deep. Whatever the case, don’t worry about it. It is what it is, and God will shepherd your healing process in a way that’s the best for you. Take your own heart seriously. Lean hard into Jesus. Rest in Him as best you know how”.     Thanks Gary !!! “God will shepherd your healing process…”.  Those are very comforting words !!!

3 Blue Hearts

Oh, by the way, I actually sent cards out for Valentines day. My hope is to be a better Gramma K.

Regarding Loopin’ ;

  I have been trying to make my lungs work harder. When I am swinging my arms back and forth simultaneously, I have been pushing them further forward about 12 inches and backward 12 inches. Wow !!! It is hard work !!!  It is going to take time to do this for 4 laps.  I was, also, going to try and loop half the track backward, for fun and difficulty, but first I need to get my swinging arms to an easier state. I love my loopin mornings. I am alone and if grieving tears trickle, I can just let them roll.  I continue hopin’ for the time reality will help my heart be at peace with Shawn’s death. For now, I will let crying do it’s therapeutic work. Yesterday (February 12th) my emotion bucket was full. The track has become my safe place. So I decided to do my loopin’  while playing Kokoro and Silk Road, by Kitaro. I do not understand how I came to hear these songs and that they help me release many gut wrenching emotions. As usual, near the end of Kokoro, I am telling God that this is too hard. When will I not be tormented ?  When will I see good in my pain ?  Yep, my bucket was, certainly full. There is something so draining about this stage of my life. I am pretty sure I cannot blame, just the menopause or other difficulties, I am pretty sure missin’ Shawn plays a big role. 

Regarding Organizing:

I have done a great job getting my baskets worked on. Today, I will do some putting away and filing. I have several projects I want to work on, but I want to enjoy the process without other to dos hanging over my head.

Bob tries to find funny things to make me laugh. I am trying to have things I can go to that break ache.   Somehow or ‘nother, I was reminded of this clip:  Tim Conway the dentist    https://youtu.be/bfTyEtVIe84      How thankful I am to find things that make me bust gut, laughing.

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