Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

All This Crud February 27, 2016

Losing A ChildWell, here goes; I was talking with my counselor, this week. I mentioned how frustrated I was with myself. I cannot get caught up. I cannot seem to finish projects.  I have no energy. I am unorganized. Many things in life are not fulfilling. I seem to be in a rut and I cannot get out of it. I do not understand what is happening. He told me the explanation was simple ~~~ Apparently, I am depressed.            

Those were hard words to hear.   I  am also suffering from complicated grief and some other stressers. I was told I am going through the process as he expected and not to worry.         I thought if I worked super hard, I could not let depression win. I learned that there would be no skipping over it, I have to go through ALL THIS CRUD. I was reminded that I was given 3 to 5 years, to get through some  of the harsh struggles, of Shawn’s goneness, before I will be able to get to the upside of my grief.    I asked if I was losing it (going crazy).  My counselor chuckled and answered, “No”.  Again, he explained the complications that are adding to my situation. He said he would know if I was not dealing  with my grief, properly. Then we would work on that aspect. A Lonely Place

My counselor said this time of year can be very difficult for a lot of people. The rainy, dark, cold days, add to depressed emotions. I piped in that I love the rain. I would not mind it if it rained 24/7. I think it is cuz I am wound tight and the rain helps me~calm down~some. I was asked what projects I was working on. I told about my difficulties with the 2016 ornament. I do not even have a template finished.  As I was describing it, it dawned on me why it is so challenging, but I cannot reveal the ornament until send out time. I asked why God made me come up with the design I had ?  This Little LightApparently, God has His hand in the details and this is one way of making me face and deal with Shawn’s death.  Then he asked how my job was going. I was quick to say how much I love my job. Even the very challenging aspects. I find a sense of comfort, in my bus. To which I was told that was  a good thing. We talked about my health issues. I mentioned that my doctor has me seeing a nutritionist. The nutritionist is pleased that I have a sauna. She wants me use it often~I love that !!! She is glad to hear I have an inversion table. We hope to find a way to get my body to like eating and utilizing the good foods I do eat, rather than turning it all to fat. All this is going to take a while to fix.

We discussed my loopin’. I find it very releasing and very enjoyable. Another positive !!!

So, even though I do not like this stage of my life, at least I am working at trying to do what is positive for me. My counselor said I am a Survivor. Another positive !!!  Who knows, maybe someone will be helped by my example. For those of you who know me, I am not positive about myself. BUT, when I heard the word, Survivor, I felt a tickle of happiness, deep within. 

*** Regarding Loopin’: 

Friday there was no school, which meant I would not be loopin’ the track at work. So, I decided to walk with Leslie Sansone: walk-off-fat-fast.jpg.jpeg        While I was steppin’, I had a brainstorm. I decided to record the DVD sound on my digital voice recorder. I am going to use that next week for stepping up my pace, while loopin’. One of my favorite moves on her DVDs,  is the kick back.  A while back ago, I was going to try and walk 1/2 the track~~~backward. I have been so busy swinging my arms, that I forgot about backward walking. Next week, I will be adding that to my loopin’ list.  I am so tickled with myself, I have been loopin’ all 4 laps swinging my arms-simultaneously. When I first started that, I could hardly do 1/2 a lap. Now I am walking & swinging and lovin’ it !!!   I really enjoyed hearing about a couple of the walkers on Leslie’s DVD.  I hope she can add more testimonials-right there. It was very encouraging seeing 80 year old, Beverly, keeping up the pace.

I am making this short, today. I will post in a couple of days; a special tell. Also, I am going to try and voice record this later. I apologize if that means you get this twice. I am working out some details.  









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