Well, here goes; I was talking with my counselor, this week. I mentioned how frustrated I was with myself. I cannot get caught up. I cannot seem to finish projects. I have no energy. I am unorganized. Many things in life are not fulfilling. I seem to be in a rut and I cannot get out of it. I do not understand what is happening. He told me the explanation was simple ~~~ Apparently, I am depressed.
Those were hard words to hear. I am also suffering from complicated grief and some other stressers. I was told I am going through the process as he expected and not to worry. I thought if I worked super hard, I could not let depression win. I learned that there would be no skipping over it, I have to go through ALL THIS CRUD. I was reminded that I was given 3 to 5 years, to get through some of the harsh struggles, of Shawn’s goneness, before I will be able to get to the upside of my grief. I asked if I was losing it (going crazy). My counselor chuckled and answered, “No”. Again, he explained the complications that are adding to my situation. He said he would know if I was not dealing with my grief, properly. Then we would work on that aspect.
My counselor said this time of year can be very difficult for a lot of people. The rainy, dark, cold days, add to depressed emotions. I piped in that I love the rain. I would not mind it if it rained 24/7. I think it is cuz I am wound tight and the rain helps me~calm down~some. I was asked what projects I was working on. I told about my difficulties with the 2016 ornament. I do not even have a template finished. As I was describing it, it dawned on me why it is so challenging, but I cannot reveal the ornament until send out time. I asked why God made me come up with the design I had ? Apparently, God has His hand in the details and this is one way of making me face and deal with Shawn’s death. Then he asked how my job was going. I was quick to say how much I love my job. Even the very challenging aspects. I find a sense of comfort, in my bus. To which I was told that was a good thing. We talked about my health issues. I mentioned that my doctor has me seeing a nutritionist. The nutritionist is pleased that I have a sauna. She wants me use it often~I love that !!! She is glad to hear I have an inversion table. We hope to find a way to get my body to like eating and utilizing the good foods I do eat, rather than turning it all to fat. All this is going to take a while to fix.
We discussed my loopin’. I find it very releasing and very enjoyable. Another positive !!!
So, even though I do not like this stage of my life, at least I am working at trying to do what is positive for me. My counselor said I am a Survivor. Another positive !!! Who knows, maybe someone will be helped by my example. For those of you who know me, I am not positive about myself. BUT, when I heard the word, Survivor, I felt a tickle of happiness, deep within.
*** Regarding Loopin’:
Friday there was no school, which meant I would not be loopin’ the track at work. So, I decided to walk with Leslie Sansone: While I was steppin’, I had a brainstorm. I decided to record the DVD sound on my digital voice recorder. I am going to use that next week for stepping up my pace, while loopin’. One of my favorite moves on her DVDs, is the kick back. A while back ago, I was going to try and walk 1/2 the track~~~backward. I have been so busy swinging my arms, that I forgot about backward walking. Next week, I will be adding that to my loopin’ list. I am so tickled with myself, I have been loopin’ all 4 laps swinging my arms-simultaneously. When I first started that, I could hardly do 1/2 a lap. Now I am walking & swinging and lovin’ it !!! I really enjoyed hearing about a couple of the walkers on Leslie’s DVD. I hope she can add more testimonials-right there. It was very encouraging seeing 80 year old, Beverly, keeping up the pace.
I am making this short, today. I will post in a couple of days; a special tell. Also, I am going to try and voice record this later. I apologize if that means you get this twice. I am working out some details.