Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

Shawn’s Forever 29 February 29, 2016

 

https://movingmercifullyforward.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/shawns-forever-29.mp3LovedBack in October, my elementary passengers asked me my age. They remembered that I have a funny b.day. Then, it dawned on me, I was going to have a real b.day in 2016.  I gave them a couple numbers to multiply so they could figure my age. It wasn’t until I heard their answer, that I put it together; my real b.days are on February 29,  Shawn was 29 when he died. So, Shawn’s forever 29. Shawn Watering the Lawn1   Could this be one of my Shawn connections from God ?

Back in November, I had visited my family for Thanksgiving. Upon my return, Bob told me that he had had more troubles with the gold car. My Gold Car   I knew this time was it~I needed to find a way to let a Shawn connection go. Another bum from my trip; was when I figured out  that somewhere between Moscow and Happy Valley, I had lost the 3 mood rings from my bracelet. They were the rings I wore when Shawn was in the hospital. Silly me. Most of the time, I was wearing hospital gloves and couldn’t see if the mood rings were correct. I had lost and found them a couple of times, before. I decided I was not going to let this bother me, they were just silly mood rings. Or, did I let it bother me ? I had been in a sad funk and was begging God to get me out of it.  Well, I ended up with a bad cold to go back to work with. 

Bob’s tell of his problems with the gold car, played over and over, in my mind. “The gold car has to go”, were the words I remember hearing him say.  I, still, have not wanted to let go of the gold car-Shawn rode in it with me to DEQ, when we first bought it-how could I let it go ?

Near the end of each driving day-I am heading to my last school. I have wanted to drop this part of the run. I have not liked it. Before arriving at that school, there is a lighted intersection that I get stuck at,  for several minutes-everyday.

 Around November 30th my mind kept replaying Bob telling me his troubles with the gold car. I was looking at the various cars passing in front of me.  I saw Soul after Soul after Soul: gray, black, light brown, red and a lot of  green.  This happened several times. About December 14, I was getting tired of this. Why was I noticing these cars-I hadn’t before ???   I told God if I am to let the gold car go, then I need something that will be me. I told God I needed a deep blue, Soul. Since I had not seen one, I figured I was safe and would not have to let go of the gold car. One Wednesday night I could not sleep. I looked up the Kia  Soul website. I decided to see what color choices there were. I could  not believe what I saw,  the color was called “Moonlight Blue”.

The next day I asked my friend at work if she liked her Soul-she was so pleased with her new car. In-fact,  all 3 bus drivers that have Souls-they love them.  I asked how much my friend had paid for hers. I choked when she said 20,000 $. I told her I could not see Bob agreeing to that. I told her the color I wanted. Her car was black and only a few months old.  She  said she did not know there was a  blue one. The next 2 days, at that same signal,  I asked God to help me let go of the gold car. I told Him that if I could find a Moonlight Blue, Soul, I would try to let go of the gold car.          I am hard pressed to explain why I have such a difficult time letting go of anything that has a Shawn connection.

It was a Saturday when I gave Bob a hint of what I was looking into. I do not think he took me seriously. I went to Carmax off the Expressway-December 22. David Paul Greene was my helper. I told him I was gathering information, on a specific car, to give to my husband.  David did not even know that Kia Soul came in a deep blue color. Blue being my favorite color !!! David typed in the information and found a dark blue Soul, in Beaverton.    Moonlight Blue Kia        As we were talking, out of the blue, David mentioned that I could keep the plates from my gold car. Those words nailed it for me-why I do not know.   With Christmas a couple days away, I would need to give David permission to get the car here, so I could check it out. If I wanted to see it before the new year. I had told him: “No hurry.  I want to do this-with Bob’s okay, on my b.day-my 14th-I am proud to say.”

  We did the starting paperwork so I could go to the bank. I found out I could have had a check that night.  I told B~~ at the bank, that I was in no hurry and that I was doing this for my real b.day. She told me that interest rates would be going up the first of the year.  I  said: “No thanks. I need to pray that Bob will be okay with this, but most of all that he wouldn’t feel I was twisting his arm.” 

On December 22nd, I had an appointment with my counselor. He and I discussed the things that are causing me some problems. Then I told him about a change I thought I needed to make. At first, he seemed surprised. I think he thought I was going to say something else. Then his face cheered up-after hearing the details of finding my new car. He thought the idea was very good. He said he thought I needed something to  work towards,  for the next few years.

I went home and told Bob about my research.  He did what I thought he would. He found a white Soul half the price. I simply said: “It is the wrong color.”       The next morning, Bob looked up the white Soul-it was sold.  I told Bob he could have bought it for himself. I told Bob I was going to ask for the car to be brought over. Because of Christmas closures, it would take a day or 2 longer.

December 23rd I got in touch with David, at CarMax and asked him if the car could be brought over. Because of Christmas closings, there was no way to know when the car would get here.

On the 28th I had a work physical. I drove past CarMax, on the Expressway, on my way to turn in work  physical papers.  I saw a black Soul where my Moonlight Blue should have been. After my work stop, I mustered up the courage to stop at CarMax and make sure they had the right car-or all was off. I knew David had the day off and was worried who could help me. The hello guy asked if I needed help. I told him that I just needed to make sure they had the right car. He pointed  the way and said: “The car should be open if I needed to sit in side.” It was a long way down the row of cars. Until I was about 3 cars away, I was still sure it was a black car.   It was my car, the right color. It was locked, so, I took photos.   2015-12-28 13.06.32The 28th Bob and I were running around before traffic was too bad. We were at the bank, We were given a list of to dos regarding papers for the car. Bob said: “Well, it looks like you won’t be getting a real b.day gift for quite some time.”  I said something like; that was fine-this is something I need to do.   I told both David and B~~ Dec. 29, 2015 was to be the day the transaction needed to happen. 

The 29th, Bob had a bus class, he assured me, we could make the 4:30, bank appointment.  David would be waiting, for us, around 5.  I started counting down- in less than 12 hours, the gold car will no longer be ours.  All the paperwork went smoothly. I was glad for Bob reading and agreeing to and declining details I did not understand. At CarMax, we got to see the new car. Right next to it was a dark blue Challenger-the kind-of car Bob wants. He jokingly said how thrilled he was for my car choice, as he went in the opposite direction I was going. He was just a teasin’ me.

David admitted he knew there were cheaper cars, but I had been so exact with my choice,  he didn’t have the heart to try and convince me otherwise, especially after this one popped up.  There were so many papers to sign. Then, I saw behind me, the gold car being checked over. Then, the emotions started brewing. I was signing papers with shaky hands and tear filled eyes. I was having such a hard time when I signed over the gold car. Would I lose that connection with Shawn.  

I do not think I have shared the name of my new car. When I had shared it with my counselor, he was very pleased. The name of my new car is: My Focus Changer. It is my project. I needed something to put my focus towards. I even have a blue heart to pin each payment onto.    I realize this has been wordy and could be shrunk down, a lot, but I wanted to get as many details in, as possible, for my rememberings. 

Yes, I do know that my new car will not heal my depression, but I think it gives me something to work for-monthly. Yep, My Focus Changer.

So, today is my 14th, real, b.day. I have had the car for 2 months. I totally, love it !!!  


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