Just a tid~bit: Since I am going to be posting about a track experience, I thought I would start with, my shoes. For whatever reason, I am hooked on Crocs. Most of my loopin’ times I prefer 1 Croc or another. The Crocs I wear, also, have to be okay to wear for driving my bus. I carry enough things with me to work, the extra shoes, would be overload !!!
Well, time to begin. As has happened many times in the past, this post changed from my original topic. I have so many, almost posts, I could keep busy for a long time. Oh yes, I really do find this stuff fun. Go figure !!! Thus far, I have learned A LOT !!!, regarding the various aspects of posting or blogging. There are some good, creative things I want to do, on this site, I just don’t know how, nor have I seen them done. Thus, it is frustrating for me to be me.
Now, I need to make a comment about the audio part of my posts. When I read my posts out-loud, for you folks, there are some negatives: I figured out that when I am reading emotional parts, I cannot stuff those feelings a way while reading. So, I am apologizing right now. I tend to be a very emotional person. That is that. I, also, tend to over care. Plus, I am a raw writer, regarding my grief. I may have emotions slip out, during a read. When you are reading my posts, you read them through your you~ness, but when I audio my posts, you hear them through my me~ness. So, all I can say, is, you have been notified. When you listen to my audio posts (cute name, huh ?) expect slips. If I am dealing with lung issues, my voice is bad. If I have a cold, I will be stuffy sounding. I am no longer going to do the many redos trying to get all those things out. Shucks, and if one of the dogs barks, I may leave that in, as well. I have decided-just now, that my audio posts are just another side of me, why stuff it ? These audio posts are going to have many imperfections, as do my posts. Maybe someday I will correct them, or maybe I will just get better as time goes by. Just like how I am trying to face the various aspects of grief/guilt, and growing through it.
I miss Shawn, so much !!!
I am, also, going to be sharing more about the different folks who are helping me. It is my hope that in my learning and sharing, others will be helped or encouraged. I unashamedly share the things God brings my way, it may be a song or a bible verse or just a tell. The Newsboys perform a song that speaks very well, what I believe: https://youtu.be/WjZ01FcK0yk !!! I find this so encouraging !!!
Well, it happened, again. I was going to talk about: my comfort drink, but a situation happened, at work, that helped me see, that I am moving forward and that I may even have some spare energy to help others. Maybe I could be a focus changer for someone !!! Maybe it is a person who needs a few $s to get through a tough time. Many times, parents of my passengers, just need Mrs. K’s reassurance.
Let’s give this a try and see if I can make some sense. Since Shawn died, I have been told I need to reach out to others. I have been told many times, I need to realize that others have difficulties, that -I am not the only one~~~well, that is a duh comment !!! Truth be told, there are phrases that, DO NOT HELP !!! I have been told,”You are what you think”. I have had many comments that add to my grief, not help it. Many do not understand my guilt. They won’t, until they have to make a decision about procedures that could end a person’s life. Here is my problem: grief has been exhausting. So,when I have been told I need to reach out to others, it has been like a blow to my gut. I have not had the emotional energy to participate in a lot of things, let a lone help someone.
This week, I replayed, for myself, a couple of situations, where some friends were having difficult times. In my replay, I realized there was no effort in my reaching out. I think that means I am making headway. Fact is, I enjoyed the process of coming up with creative ways to help my friends and show that I care. So, I am no longer going to let myself feel bad because I am sad and have nothing to give. It will happen naturally, with God’s promptings. It dawned on me that God will work through me on His time schedule. I do not need to force the actions. I am not a selfish person. It has been painful, for me, when folks have told me, many times, that I need to reach out and not let myself get stuck in a pity party. Well, I have learned that grief does what it will, I need to learn to work with it. I have learned that grief is exhausting work, BUT, if I am still performing my job well. I am doing, okay !!! Another thing I learned about myself: a lot of times folks may reach out~once or twice and then they stop. I am not that way. I will patiently, cautiously, look for creative ways to help those in a difficult time. Even it I need to do something anonymously. I do not give up easily. I will share an example:
I have a friend going through a difficult time, in many aspects of her life. Oh, let’s back-up a little. Last week every time I was drove my bus past the area where my friend lives, my heart was tugged to pray for her. This has been a busy week, but we were, finally, able to visit, for a moment. My friend shared her difficulties. As I left her office, the other day, I couldn’t get loopin’ out of my head. You may be wonderin’ where this is goin’ ? Me to !!! I decided I needed to go back to my friend’s office and make her take a break. I was going to show her how to release some pent up angst. Oh my, she did not want to leave her piles of to dos. I carefully and patiently coaxed my friend to go to the track with me. I told her to give me 5 minutes.
Pause here. The track where I do my loopin’ , every work morning, has become a very therapeutic place for me. Okay, so, I was able to get my friend onto the track. She knew what I was going to have us do. She balked and complained, almost the whole time. Truth be told. I did not think she was going to cooperate, even a little bit. There were not many students on the field, as I was hoping she would not be embarrassed.
As I was walking us to the end of the straight way, my friend kept asking how long this was going to take ?, what were we going to do ? various and many questions like that. I told her to give me 5 minutes. We were, finally, in position. I told her we are going to walk this straight way, backwards. Oh my. you would have thought I wanted her to pull her hair out. She was adamant that this was silly. She kept walking backward. One student went past us, giving us a funny look. My friend wanted to know how much further ? I told her to the end of the straight way. She wanted to know how far that was and how much longer this was going to take . I heard quite a bit of belly aching. I just kept prompting her. She actually set a good pace. I do not think she realized I let her set the pace. We finally finished the straightway~~~backward. Time to walk forward. I told my friend that when I am loopin’ I swing my arms. Well, she did an exaggerated arm movement. Asking what was so good about it ? I told her in order to help the lymph nodes you have to swing your arms simultaneously forward and backward. She did more of a pumping action. I do not think she realized how much angst was exiting her body. I even heard a laugh escape. We neared the end of our walk. I could sense a lighter feeling around her. I learned later that my friend had felt so much better, after our backward walk. She wants me to check on her regularly, making sure she is exercising.
I told that little tell because this was a time for me to help, but, it happened when myself could do it~when I was really ready, not before. So, no longer am I going to allow myself to feel guilty because I am being sad~missin’ Shawn. I know I will engage in the lives of my friends and family, naturally, when ready. If I need time to heal, that is fine. I have had part of my heart removed (so to speak) and it is going to take me a while to heal and because I am such an intense person, it is probably going to take me a little longer than folks think it should.
So be it.
I, also,learned something neat about myself. Sometimes folks can be intimidated about caring for others, or if the moment they want to care for someone doesn’t work out, they don’t try again. I am not that way. It takes guts, but when I sense a need in someone, I need to do due diligence to be an encouragement. I learned when backward walking with my friend, that God is letting me care for others as I can, on His timeline, not the one others have been forcing on me. Even though my friend kept complaining, I did not let it discourage me. I have learned that a lot of folks give up way to easy when it comes to helping and encouraging others. Had my friend not cooperated, I would have kept thinking of creative ways to help her through her low time. I tend to not give up easily.
Oh my gracious. I just saw the word count. APOLOGIES !!!
One more thing !!! I came across a new book, my friend Gary Roe is putting out ~~~ it should be out around April 1. I want to get the Kindle version. I think folks need helps, as far as dealing with those who are grieving. So, I appreciate folks like Gary who have helpful knowledge to share.