My mind was taken back to a photo I had taken on April 11, 2016. At work, one of the buildings has a bathroom~on the end. I happened to see this precious purple pansy~~~in my growing up years, we used to call a wimp~a pansy. As I looked at the surroundings of this precious purple pansy: pavement met with concrete and bathroom odors. I was astonished at how such a precious flower grew from such obstinate circumstances.
This past week has been tough: a wonderful couple from work~their son died in his sleep, a high schooler committed suicide~bullying, and a relative died. I was reminded of a recent meeting with my counselor, he had commented: “You will grow through this”. I truly cannot see how. AND if I am struggling so hard, how can I help those around me ?
Bob has been working hard at trying to find shows I like. His way of escape. It has been challenging, so many shows have too many emotional slams for me. I have even tried going back to listening to talk radio, but this political season is so~~~I am just frustrated with the establishment folks, on both sides: they do what they want, they waste our dollars~or proclaim they will increase our taxes for their wastefulness, and they manipulate wordings so documents can be signed, in order to avoid Our Constitution, with other countries~who want our demise. OUR currency is being changed !!! Is the purpose there to remove God from yet another area of America ??? So, I am finding myself pretty bummed, discouraged and overwhelmed. I have been listening for phrases, for encouragement. Most are involving the death of a close person.
*** On 2.14.’16, Dennis, our pastor, was talking about Justice Scalia, and said: “God took his breath away”.
Part of a phrase from a prayer that Friday for Justice Scalia, by his son: “…you took him out of this world…”.
*** I watched a Hallmark movie:”The Color Of Rain”, one of the phrases when someone was dying, a man was fretting when he would die. His wife responded: “You’ll go when you’re called”.
*** Stonewall Jackson regarding the death of his wife and daughter said, “God had a reason, whatever the storm God is at work”.
*** In the movie: Soda Springs: “It’s not going to be easy, you just have to do it”.
*** In Oliver’s Ghost: “Was taken by the hand of the Lord.” I have been feeling guilty, since Shawn’s death, I am not full of joy, as I should be. I sent out some notes regarding joy, to other grievers I have met.
Here part of a reply from Dennis Apple:
“There is nowhere in the Bible where a grieving mother is told to be joyful after losing a child. I will not throw a lot of scriptures at you but you only need to look at Jesus on the cross when he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Then, there is grief in the Christmas story where Herod killed all the little boys ages 2 and under. The prophet Jeremiah told these unspeakable murders would happen in Jer. 31:15 and then Matthew mentions in his gospel, (2:18). Take a look at these words, “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more..” Kathy, there are people who will use the Bible to say most anything they want it to say. However, I hope you will distance yourself from those who are trying to use God’s word to force you out of your grief and sorrow. You have lost a precious child and you have every right to grieve and to feel sorrowful for as you long as you need to mourn. Please let me know how it goes.Your friend,Dennis Apple
PS. I would imagine that none of these other people are mothers who have lost a young child. These words are coming from people who don’t “get it.”
This response is from Gary Roe:
“Here’s a blog post of mine from a couple of years ago. Perhaps it will help: When Our Joy Dies
In my mind, joy is not an emotion. It is a decision. It is a decision toward gratitude for what we had, and what we have, and what we will have, in the midst of the pain of losing something or someone precious. Joy is deeper than “feel-good,” and is never based on circumstances. Joy is deeply rooted in “overcoming” – overcoming loss, hardship, pain.”
I think no matter what, hum, let me put it this way: I am a very slow learner. I cannot see how Shawn’s death has been good for me. Am I wrestling with God like Jacob did ? Thing is, if one wrestles with God can you tap out or call it quits ? Or can you say ‘God I can’t get along with you you make things too hard~~~You are too black and white.’ How do we work with God ?
This image works for me.
In time; I will be more joyful, I will find my purpose, I will replace guilt with positive thoughts. I think I am in an adjusting period. Part of my heart has been amputated and I tend to take a while to mend~~~that is just how I am. Being patient with myself is very hard work. So, please be patient with me. Baby steps are good !!!