My Grief Challenges

Shawn’s Trees Planted May 1, 2016

20160430_125142.jpg 20160430_125153.jpg  20160430_125217.jpg       You may be wondering what I am talking about; Shawn’s trees planted ? I will try to explain.  You see, the days of Shawn’s situation, I did not do a lot of yard work. After Shawn died and I went home to readjust, I swear I heard Shawn telling me  to work in the yard. I believe I did the pond area first. I videod my progress. I then went to work in the front of the house. Hoping I wouldn’t cry the whole time and be embarrassed in front of the neighbors.  I was going to start with a small area; between the road and sidewalk~a stretch of growing area. It has a maple that the developer put in. Most neighbors have grass in that area. Not me. Go figure I would not follow along.   

 I could not see plants through the weeds. It was so awful !!! I began the daunting task of pulling weeds~hopefully. As I came close to our driveway, I was quite tickled for me efforts. I was resting my knees on the curb, hoping drivers would see me and stay clear. I was yanking out a stray blackberry. As I pulled I noticed this tiny pine tree. It may have been about an inch tall. At first, I thought it was a strange weed. I was pressed to leave it. All the years we had lived there, I had never seen a stray pine tree.  I left it to grow.  It is picture #1. I dug it up May 2014~near Shawn’s gone day.  A few days later, in the same spot, another stray pine tree.  I dug it up May 2015, the same time. Picture #2 (although hard to see). Within a few days, another stray tree, in the same spot as the others. A few weeks ago when I was planning my days for Shawn, I had asked a friend what I could do ? She said I could plant Shawn’s trees on their property. Karen & I planted all 3 trees, yesterday. I plan on photoing their growth. Oh, and no new tree has come along.   

When Shawn died, I was going to give myself 3 years to adjust, to his goneness. My counselor gives me 5.  Considering me, I have done better than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I hate this part of my journey. AND those reality slams are gut getters !!! I do not like realizing all the events that led to Shawn’s death. I, especially, do not like my self imposed guilt, it may be a tiny bit less, but it still smarts in a very bad way.    I am sure I failed Shawn. Thing is, nothing can undo his death, no matter how bad I failed.    Fact is I will never think I did enough

I have been very honest about why I feel guilty about Shawn’s death. I think it is way easier for you folks on the outside, to look in and tell me how irrational I am. It hurts me when you say things like: Kathy, Shawn had 73% deep tissue burns~had he recovered, what kind of life would he have to live ? Were you ready to face that issue ?  What kind of life would Shawn have had ?  How would anyone have been able to care for him ? Would he have wanted to be kept alive ? What about the awful pain he would have to endure ? It would have been selfish of you to have wanted him kept alive.    I guess it is hard to know what to say. Thing is, nothing is going to ease the pain and guilt, until God moves me forward, slow though it seems. I have tried, but snap out of it, doesn’t work.God Hold Me

I have had folks say: Shawn died a hero. Why take that from him ?      It is not that I am taking that away from him. The hole in my heart, hurts~very bad. Just let me get used to his goneness.  We, individually, handle situations differently. We, individually, have different character qualities that make us act the way we do. Be very careful not to second guess another’s emotion.  Situations may seem similar, but each of us is so different because we all are different. 

It is my hope and prayer that somehow, God can use me. For now, I will be content in finding creative ways to honor the life of my precious Shawner, until my days are fulfilled.

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