Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

Surfside Ocean Front May 7, 2016

My Room

 I have been blessed, in that, I am able to go to the ocean for Shawn’s b.days and memorial days. I want to take a moment to thank the folks at Surfside Ocean Front Resort, in Rockaway, Oregon. Since they may not read this, I probably need to send them a card. They have been patient and kind towards me. They let me decorate the beach for Shawn. I have asked that they let me know if someone is displeased with my beach decorations~~~so far no one has complained.   It is fun watching various folks check out the displays.

Last year there were some Asian visitors~with fancy cameras. Photoing every new design. I remember when I had put up the last design~leaving it up for only a few hours. I had cleaned up the area and went back to my room, to pack for leaving. Out the side window, I saw someone running. Since no one walks that close to that side of the building~it startled me. The man went running down the rocks. I was worried he was going to fall and break his fancy camera. He got to the bottom of the rocks. Turned toward where the decorations had been, ready to shoot. His face was so sad. His downcast walk to the waves made me, almost call to him. I felt so bad for have taken the display down, so early. I would have remade the display, but I was embarrassed to call after him.


It happened this time, as well. I was looking out the  sliding glass door, one last time. I saw an older gentleman, with his 2 collies. With his camera at the ready, he went to the 3 areas I had decorated. He relooked, and then wandered around. I think he was thinking I had made a new display, somewhere else. He had taken quite a bit of time, the past few days, looking at  the other displays. He too, had a downcast look, as there was nothing to photo.  It makes me feel sad, when I recollect their downcast walks. I have no idea what to do about it.   One thing I would like to do, is more displays, for others. Just not sure where to take this, but something is prodding me to do~~~something ???


  Usually, after I post for Shawn’s b.days or memorial days, I have a lighter feeling. But this year after I posted,  a very dark heaviness encompassed me. I was hardly able to do anything.  As a matter of fact, it was several hours of deep darkness that had paralyzed me. I did not know this could happen~whatever it was. I thought I would have such release after posting.  The next day, I found the courage to read the post. I was so nervous.  My guess was that I must have written some things that I am suppose to face or conquer. Now, here is something strange: I promise, as I was reading, it was Shawn’s voice I was hearing. That scared me, for a moment. I do not know how those words got written~I do not remember writing them myself.  As I click these words, I am thinking the rest of the world is not going to understand. I will continue~in case there is someone who does understand.  I cannot bring myself to reread “3 Years Gone”. There are issues in it that I need to get a better handle on.

 I had spoken to Bob. Trying to decide if I should stay another night or 2. Something I should explain. Whenever I am at the beach, I do not rest well. I am waking up~hourly. I have to make sure the ocean is still roaring. I have no idea why. I also, check to see how many fishing ships are far out there. Then, I pray for all those fisherman. I have no idea how they do that job, in stormy or calm nights.

As I was preparing to leave, closing the sliding glass door-which remains open any time I am in the room, unless a super blowy rainstorm. The heaviness was still encompassing me.    A major reality slam was taking place.    Shawn’s not here !!!  Shawn is not anywhere !!!  I have been told think of him as if he were in the next room. That idea fails !!! I cannot go to the next room, open the door and talk to Shawn and hear his voice. I cannot go into that next room and give Shawn a hug. I cannot go to that next room and ask if everything is okay ?. He is not in the next room !!!   The ache was/is so awful. I ended up checking out, earlier than planned. The encompassing achy awfulness, just kept growing. How was I going to be able to drive those curvy roads ??? Is this one of the awful steps to accepting a loved one’s goneness ?? ?

Well, if so, I HATE IT !!!


Shawn On Swing          Shawn Holding Ella20140503_171439

2016-05-04 20.28.14 During Shawn’s last week, he was calmly pleased when the Chaplain offered to read Psalm 23.


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