My kind of boating !!!
While loopin the track this week, I was reminded of a time in the early 90’s, when we had to sell our double wide. I had had a bad reaction to the formaldehyde. We were renting a house in Oregon City. A friend lived close by and walked the high school track with Melissa, Shawn and I. Well, I, mostly, sat on the bleachers. Melissa walked with our friend. Shawn was here, there and everywhere. He had so much exuberance for outdoor activities. I remember when he first saw the hurdles and wanted to know what they were for. We set some up and I gave him an idea of how to fly over the hurdles. He tried one and was so excited. He wanted to practice going over several. He had a couple tumbles. I remember sitting on the bleachers and pretending not to watch. He was so excited when he had cleared at least 3 and had to show me. Just another example of what I call: “A Shawn Connection”. I hope these keep happening. I miss Shawn so much.
On my way home, from the beach hardly any radio stations came in. I turned the knob a little more. These words blared in my ears:” I can’t live if living is without you…” Curvy narrow roads and grief slams are not a good combo. It is, still, strange to me, how just part of a phrase, or a few musical notes, or a glimpse of something, can so easily bring on the gut grinding, tear flowing happenings, of grief slams. How can I help my friends who are at week 3, when I am this way at year 3 ???
Meeting a Soul sister. One day, I had enough time during a break to go to a nearby craft store. Just gathering essentials for the ornament. My counselor wants to see the next one. I have put this off, far too long. As I was darting to the nearby $ Store, I glanced to my left. There it was, a green Kia Soul. A relative of My Focus Changer. The thing that caught my attention was the lashes on the headlights. Fact is, I had been next to this car, on the Expressway, just a few days before. I couldn’t believe I was seeing this car again ? As I am known to do, I went right up to the car, and nearly scared the woman inside. As she was getting out. I told her how cute her car headlight lashes were. I wish I had taken a photo. She told me they were a gift from her husband. He put them on for her. The highlight gems were not flexible enough to be put over the lashes, so he put them at the bottom part of the headlight. What fun talking about our cars.
Our conversation took many turns~~~another thing I am good at. I do not know if many folks name their cars ? It was when I told Georgia my car’s name: My Focus Changer, that the visit became so enriching. Briefly, I had explained why I chose that name. Georgia gave me some words to ponder. She suggested that whenever I realize the guilt of Shawn’s last days, is hitting me hard, I need to stop and ask myself: “Is this how God wants me to look at my situation ?” She then said; “Don’t you think God wants you to realize, He loves you ? Can you look and see how God can use you ?” All I could say was~~~ I do not see how God can use a wimp like me. For some reason, her questions keep coming back. She had to come to acceptance with losses and those questions had helped her. I gave her my card, in hopes of hearing from her again.
At work, one of my supervisors wanted to talk to me about my blog. I was so nervous. I was worried I had written something wrong. When our schedules finally worked together, for a brief meeting, my supervisor asked if I realized that my writing might be speaking to those with aching hearts-those who are searching for a glimmer of hope ? I was asked if I knew if there were many that read my blog ? My response was something to the like; I doubt many read it, I am being very open about a topic folks do not want to face. I told her that I was mostly writing in hopes of working through my grief and because a friend told me to not stop writing, because of my tells on Facebook about Shawn’s situation.
My supervisor, told me her story. She had, even, written a book about it. I look forward to getting a copy and reading it. Our time was finished, but she hadn’t shared her ideas about my blog. I spoke up and asked her what her ideas were ? She simply said: “to keep it up”. She had enjoyed what she had read. Well, okay. The interesting thing was, I had prayed that morning, while loopin’, for God to let me know what to do about this blog situation or what direction to take it. I had been concerned that I was too depressing.
I was walking the track with a friend. Both of our names start with a “K”. I stopped our conversation so I could photo- where I had almost stepped. How cool !!! I am one of those folks, who is tickled about the slightest of things !!!
My friend was asking questions about Shawn. Then she asked if I had any other children ? Apparently, she wasn’t listening, because I had just mentioned Melissa, Shawn’s older sister, and the kidney story~~~regarding Shawn’s end. Then she said that I should be glad I had more than 1 child. Her sister’s only child died. Then, I thought about a mother who lost all 3 of her children, in a house fire, a few weeks ago. I was frustrated. Don’t folks understand ? When a child dies, so does part of the parent(s). Why do folks think it is good to say-at least he wasn’t your only child ?
Oh, and yes, I have been told to be thankful about Shawn’s children, by several folks. Many don’t have grandchildren, from their child who has died. Yes, I am thankful, but something others should think about: Melissa and the Grands are not Shawn and I am not going to make them feel they are Shawn’s replacements, in any way. I am trying to get to a place where I will not, constantly, be looking for Shawn reminders, in Melissa or the Grands.
I started this next section, May 13, 2016.
It has been 10 days, since I decorated the rocks for Shawn. Tonight I am exhausted, but cannot sleep. For some reason, I was reminded about a happening, at the beach, which I failed to jot about. I had just finished setting up the: Crocs on the rocks, for Shawn, decoration. I was getting ready to photo. 3 ladies were approaching me. I always feel so bad that folks are a little afraid to ask me questions, when I am decorating the beach. I am one of those folks who likes to visit with others.
The ladies wanted to know what the decoration was for. I explained that it was the 3rd year, since my son Shawn died. I wanted to do something he would have loved. The 3 ladies seemed to like the display. They asked some questions and I explained about Shawn’s happenings. One of the ladies asked where this had happened ? I told her, Spokane, Washington. She said she remembered hearing about it. She told me she was a firefighter. Immediately, my heart jolted. I know the details of the firefighter who rescued Shawn’s body. I gave her a hug of thanks-for all those who put their life on the line, to rescue others. It was time for the ladies to get to work. As 2 of them headed for the stairs, I over heard them saying that the decoration was a neat idea.
Just recently I heard a song by Hillary Scott: “Thy Will”. Every morning, the first few steps, on the track, I begin with the Lord’s Prayer. I am so worried that I might have sin~that I am unaware of, and I need to make sure it is taken care of. I am thankful that God has made me a person who does not hate, but I do have a lack of trust when I am mistreated. I am thankful that I can pray for those folks and want their best. Someday, I hope God will help me to trust, others, again. It is a battle for me !!! I am torn in so many ways. I cannot see how God can use my grief or other issues, for His glory or my growth. The buffeting is so exhausting !!!
It is so hard when my character is blasted~ with comments, not from my husband: that I am of the devil. I begin to question my every motive. I would like to be able to deal with Shawn’s goneness and the many trials it entails, and later deal with the other issues.