It has been a while since I last wrote. I have jotted several notes, for future posts. I was going to take time this summer to type a lot of posts ahead of time-but that did not happen.
Summer’s almost over and I am stressing that I did not use my time more wisely !!!
For many years, I have had a mini trampoline similar to this one: It folded and had no springs or stretchy bands. The fabric connections did not stretch. It was a hard bounce and caused me a lot of pain. I could not keep up with the rebounding videos on YouTube. Bob started researching mini trampolines.
Our anniversary was near and Bob wanted to get something I would like. You see, I am not a flowers, card or a night out kind of person. Fact is, Bob knows if he doesn’t get me anything, I am just fine. I know how much he dislikes buying gifts or cards-so I am being a cool wife by not expecting anything. I am just trying to lighten his load-he does put up with me. The new rebounder has 12″ legs and a diameter of 48″. We had fun attaching the stretchy bands. My rebounder is from: Leaps & ReBounds. A Leaper (February 29ther) like myself, and this being a Leap year, I found the name, cool. I remember my first bounce on the new rebounder. It was di~vine. No pain. The bounce was easy. The reason I wanted the big size is because it is nicer for abdominal workouts~~~for me. Bob likes the rebounder. We started looking for workouts he would like. I had this DVD: Bob wants to get in shape for his upcoming work physical. So happy bouncing days ahead for us !!!
Our anniversary was on a Sunday. Our 29th. All in all, one would think I should be happy. After all, our marriage has held up through many trying circumstances. I could not figure out why I was sad. On my way home from church, I had a major reality slam. Shawn was 29 when he died. My b.day is a 29th. For whatever reason, the number 29 makes me very sad. I did not want to talk to anyone. The ache was very physical. I knew I needed to find a way to turn things around. Then my Dad’s words popped into my head:”Do you finish any your projects ?”
I came up with a realistic list of to dos, before bus stuff started, for the new school year. A topic for another time. Right now I am getting a little anxious: will I get Champ~the bus I have driven for the past 5 years. It is the bus I drove before Shawn died~a Shawn connection.
I am working hard to stay out of my grief moat. Keeping busy has been exhausting !!!
Another good reason for me to keep busy, our church has been going through some difficulties. It has made me sad to hear how horribly Christians can talk about others~claiming that things needed to happen so the person would see how bad he was. I will leave it at that. I am a fixer and I will usually try to find a way to help the one being maligned. Hearing how badly folks spoke of and to this person, has caused me to be more leery with whom I speak or trust.
I find myself extremely disappointed in many folks !!!
I can see how awful words from others has created a chasm between many who have gone to church with each other for many years. It causes me to wonder: have I left relationships without a mend area ? Those who have caused the problem or made things worse, especially if they claim to be Christian, need to be brave, seek forgiveness, try to mend hurts. Those who have been hurt, give it to God. It is so easy to become bitter or hurt back. Trust will be an issue. Give that to God. Only He can heal. One should not allow them self to feel guilty when wronged. Find good counsel. Hope for restoration. Wait on God.
The last few months the thought of sleep has been a dread. I do as much as I can to exhaust myself, so I will fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. Alas, I have been waking up because of a dread. A big dread !!! The situation that keeps running through my head is of a situation where someone is in the position to make a decision regarding another person’s life. How would I handle it ? Many times, I have woken up just before the replay of Shawn’s last 3 days begins. I halt the play~~~as if that makes it to not have happened. I catch myself thinking there is no way I could handle that kind of situation. Then it to hits me, I have been there !!! The doctors asked me to decide about Shawn’s life !!! If I do not stop the recollection, I know the train of guilt is not far behind. Did I push Shawn too hard ? Did I upset Shawn, in any way ? Did Shawn know how much I loved him ???