I need to begin with a correction from last week. When I type a boo boo, because I am doing my posts audio, it makes it hard to do a simple correction, because I would need to redo the audio, as well.
Recycled plastic tiles !!! Oh my gracious !!! Last week I mentioned the slate path I had torn up. I meant to say that I had put down recycled rubber tiles. They are so very cushy to walk on.
I heard a caller, on a Christian music station, say words close to this: if you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living for the future. If you are content, you are living for today. I have been trying to figure out how this can apply to someone who is grieving. Filled with guilt because I cannot seem to have power over this grief process, or have I ? God has given me a push for moving forward, in some way, each day, since Shawn died.
Should I chastise myself for not being strong enough to really accept reality ? Should I question the whys of God’s actions and how this grief stuff will make me a better or stronger being ? Should I dread every moment because of the weight of emotions that occur, until my whole being is settled into this ununderstandable and awful pilgrimage ?
Do I compare my reactions with others ? After all, each of us is unique with; character traits, happenings and our adjustability temperament. Am I, really, as weak as I think I am ? I do know I am going through a misery I never would have wanted and have very much dreaded the thought when I heard of it happening to others. Yet, here I am, at the lowest point imaginable. Here I am, sharing my woes to the world. For what purpose ??? Many others do not find release, in this way. How do they do it ? What is their secret ? Can I even, hope, to be an encouragement to others going through difficulties ?
I am finding ways to get through Shawn’s goneness, but it is such a juggling performance. Keeping busy to get through the dumps, is very exhausting. Getting rest to better tolerate grief episodes, means the possibility of dreams of remembrance, which leads one to the dumps, again.
Out of no where, just now, my heart has been suddenly jolted back in time. I am pretty sure we were in the little Nazarene church in Troy, Idaho. I am sure I was standing next to my Gram Million. I am sure I was under seven years of age. The song was: “The Old Rugged Cross”. Behold, I came across Vestal Goodman singing it. https://youtu.be/lATihVSH1gc Yep, just a little salve for my aching soul. Then, I found: “The Lighthouse”, by The Happy Goodmans: https://youtu.be/nl–4pJ_oeo Oh, and I haven’t thought of this song in ages: Tanya Goodman: “A Love Of My Own”: https://youtu.be/-fTp_BhQ5OU
September 1 was a challenging day. It was year 3, for a family whose son and brother died. We went to a memorial service for a dear friend. Oh man ! I do not understand why every time I attend a memorial service, I get very sad. These meetings make me miss Shawn, more. The more days he is gone seems like the farther away he is. I do not know how to say this better.
Over the past several months, Bob has tried hard to find shows I like. A lot of the shows were just too overwhelming and if there was anything that reminded me of any aspect from Shawn’s hospital days~forget it. If a show was funny~~~I think I am still in a stage where I feel guilty when I laugh. I cannot stand fighting shows. Language is a big issue. I cannot even think of all the different shows we tried to watch. I do not know what made Bob think of Psych. It has been a show I can watch. I have, actually, laughed pretty hard. I love finding the pineapple, usually before Bob. One has to be observant. http://psychpineapple.com My 3rd bum for September 1, we finished the last Psych show. I am a little unsettled-what next ? Bob has been searching for a new series, unsuccessfully. Here is another thing: the main character was Shawn-spelled correctly. I just loved hearing Shawn’s name, now no more. I am one of those folks who does not do reruns. What a bummer !!!
In July, I posted photos of Shawn’s Zoe Dog . The thing I find strange, when I play the video from that time, it was Shawn’s last summer: I had told Shawn I wanted him to say something. I remember how desperate I was to get some kind of recording of Shawn. Shawn told me, most certainly, that I could not record him or video him. I complied. Why ? I have listened to the recording of Zoe Dog. Shawn was next to me, but there is no sound from Shawn, not even his breathing. How I hate Shawn’s goneness !!!
Oh yes, I want to share a few more things I have accomplished. School starts this coming Tuesday. I have been working hard to get my to do list completed. I was able to get my office, better organized. I organized the garage, finding many things to donate. I was able to fix up the spare room to be Bob’s project room, moving several shelves to hold computer parts, components for Bob speaker projects. He has a work table so he doesn’t have to put things up until projects are complete. If we move the table, there is room for an air-bed, so we have a place for company. I was able to fix a new outfit for Blotto, and other sewing projects.
I like this song: Eye of the Storm: https://youtu.be/lYy1f6VjDHU
This will have to do for today.