Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

This Funny Sound~~~ September 10, 2016

 

Cute

 

Many years ago, I had this very difficult passenger.  This passenger had quite the bad reputation, on the bus and in school. One day I needed the help from a teacher to get this passenger under control. It was time for me to leave. The teacher said: “This to shall pass”. I decided to find ways to bring out the positive, in this passenger. I had given a warning about him having to sit in seat #1 until I was pleased with his behavior.    

This student was a very smart 3rd grader. He read for me, worked on his homework, explained how to do various math problems, talked about his favorite things to do. One afternoon, I heard this funny sound, coming from seat #1. It stopped. The sound happened again. At my passenger’s stop he played his ring tone.  Both of us were laughing so hard. He told me how to find the Drunk Squirrel ring tone.   It took Bob quite a bit of time to find the correct ring tone. I was so glad he was able to put it on my phone.  I love it !!!

 After that, my passenger was free to sit where he wanted. He chose to stay up front. Each day, this bright child would share the things he had learned that day.        I had been told by the teacher who had helped me, that he was so pleased with the improved behavior of our challenging student/passenger.  Before he would get out of the bus, he would play the ring tone, for me. I  love the memory of those chuckle moments.             My passenger hadn’t ridden for a while. I asked the teacher if he knew anything about him.  It turns out that my passenger had moved. My heart sank.    For me, it is always so hard to no longer transport a passenger that has had such improved behavior.

I will not change my ring tone, there are so  many pleasant memories, each time I hear it.  While in Shawn’s room,  at the hospital, so many folks would laugh when they heard my ring tone.      Oh wait,  I will change my ring tone, if technology figures out how to take some of Shawn’s voice clips and lets me make a message:    

“Love ya, Mom”  

~~~

   I am following someone who is on a weight-loss journey.  She recommended this song by Shirley Caesar;  “Peace in the Midst of the Storm”: https://youtu.be/SaFL4QkEoV8  

~~~

 Our church had a visiting pastor from Wenatchee, September 4, 2016. He mentioned Psalm 42. I was sure it was familiar. I looked up the scripture on pinterest. Lo and behold, Psalm 42:1,  I had memorized after a very scary breathing situation, which landed me in the hospital. I remember my sister Connie helping me breathe into a paper sack, as we were heading back to Gritman Memorial Hospital, in Moscow. I will write more about that time, in another post.         Anyways,  As The Deer I never memorized the rest of the verses. I have read and listened to that chapter, many times.  How it applies to me.  Oh My Soul As I listened to Pastor Gene, I thought he might be talking to me.  He read verse 5. “I will, yet, praise You”, were the only words I heard.  Since Shawn died, I have been feeling awful that joy, praise and gratefulness, are thoughts so far away from me.  I am such a different person, now. Will those words ever apply to me, again, without self-imposed guilt ???   The word that hit me was, “YET”.  Yes, very loud and clear. The muck of grief emotions has been so hard to trudge through. Dark, sad and gloomy are my load to carry. Nothing is fulfilling. There is, always, a dark cloud looming over me.    I, anxiously, await for my “YET” to come !!!

~~~

school-bus

School start up was hard;  a new boss and oh so many sudden changes. Those stresses, a new school year, and the dread of Kindy start-up, all have left many of us exhausted, unsure and apprehensive.

For my morning elementary run, there were many parents and passengers, happy or with happy tears because I am their driver, again.  

One phrase that struck me: “I can’t help, that’s is not my job”.  This phrase, from an upper, hit me hard, throughout the various struggles of our start-up week. Is that how it is ? The folks at the top, pressing and pressing their underlings ???  Then I remembered my counselor telling me not to mull. As I was in the process of letting go, I was jolted. A vivid memory came to mind. It was one of the last conversations Shawn and I had. He was explaining how hard it was to be a good worker-who helped others, instead was criticized, ignored, his efforts were seemed useless. I told Shawn to try and forget the happenings, go to work and try not to think negative of anyone, just be the best worker, within his abilities and not worry what others said about him. I wanted him to get back to me and report how he did. He had a happiness as he explained how things were better with a different outlook.  

Melissa called this past Thursday, with a broken heart-work issues. I gave her an assignment that was meant to lighten her upcoming challenges. I did not tell her I was going to be mentioning Shawn’s work stresses, in this post. Her phone call was tough, as it took me back to one of the last times I spoke with Shawn.  

~~~

 I have spoken to other grievers. This Sunday being the 15th year since 911, has many of us overwhelmed and resaddened.  Grief is exhaustingly ceaseless.   

The plane hit where the boulder is now. May 8, 2016

The plane hit where the boulder is now.
May 8, 2016

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