Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=–CxCXCv4p0
The past few weeks I have been tormented. I wake suddenly, hearing: “Kathy, you did not tell the doctors to keep Shawn alive. You let them decide”. From there, things do not get better. A few weeks ago, I was told that, several times, Shawn had said he wished they hadn’t kept me out of their lives for so many years. The few times we did have were a little awkward. We were strangers~~~they had been gone for so long. At the time of the fire, we had had only a few times together. Sometimes, it seems that we are told important things, too late. It is, almost, more painful. I think that is why the decisions I had to make, while Shawn was in the hospital, were harder~~~I truly did not know what Shawn would have wanted me to decide. So, is Shawn disappointed in me because I have let his death diminish myself to a ball of sadness ? The last matter to bring me torment, is the replay of Shawn’s body, under the blue vinyl, being rolled through the double doors to an open elevator. He was being taken away,
so very far away from me.
Well, as God’s timing goes, I had a scheduled meeting with my counselor. I was a bit anxious~I had a lot of issues bugging me: like television shows that portray hospital scenes which make my head reel. Why ??? I still ache, tremendously, over Shawn’s goneness. Is it even possible for me to grasp moving forward ???
I shared my list of concerns. We talked over each one. We scheduled my next visit. Before I was to leave, my counselor told me that he felt, very strongly, about telling me that I am entering a new season. Yes, season. The word season is more fitting, for me, than grief stages. My counselor made certain that he understood and expects me to have more months of difficulties~moving forward can cause uneasiness because a releasing is being worked out. The pain of grief will still be with me, as are my other issues, but we are going to find a way to bring purpose out of my difficulties, it is time.
My new assignment:
* I am to look for God in each day.
* I am to find creative ways to help fellow grievers. Oh boy, my counselor has no idea what door he just opened~or does he ? At work there are 6 individuals, 2 couples and 2 retirees, who have lost a child. For my friends from work, I have put the word out about a special beach decoration I want to do for our fellow grievers, when I go to Rockaway in January. I have been amazed at how well received my idea has been. Just one clue: flower petals are the main element. I have several folks helping me gather the things I need. My hope is to share the photo and story on January 1st.
* I am to try to find a way to put events from Shawn’s life, in writing or digital form. My job: I am one of Shawn’s representatives to his children. I will need to talk to those closest to Shawn and gather as many precious moments, as possible and save them to electronic devices. This one has been difficult, already, because of my unknowingness or lack of skill for a lot of technology~know hows. I need to focus on how I can honor Shawn, in a different way; learning about his life. Shawn will always be a part of my life. I need to shift my energy from Shawn’s goneness to his children. They need to know their Dad. I am going to celebrate Shawn. This new season is not a forgetting time. I am just shifting my focus. I will not get upset, with myself, because of the times when the grief ache rattles my heart. My counselor told me to expect things to be difficult for some time.
I have so much to do, and that I will.
Truth be told~~~I do not like this trunk of grief, that weighs me down.