Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

A No Brainer November 5, 2016

 

One of my beach visits.

Yes, I know, had God wanted Shawn to live he would be alive today.   The words from one of Shawn’s nurses, still jolt me. She had told me how unfair it was to make them take care of a body that wasn’t going to survive. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. How do others expect a mom to say “yes”, shut the life saving machines off, to end my son’s life ?    How long are these memories going to cause me such torment ? If I would have known what Shawn wanted, I could better accept my role in his end.

For most of you, you will be thinking~what a no brainer, Kathy, think of how awful life was and would have been for Shawn~ his body was destroyed in the fire, get a grip.  Folks, until you are faced with that decision~you will not understand the misery.   There are some who treat life as no big deal.   Partial birth abortions have been promoted by one of the candidates for president. It has caused me great tumult to witness how meaningless some value life. How can I be so torn with my decision, yet those who believe in partial birth abortions, seem to put themselves in God’s place ?

~~~

Sometime ago, I think I mentioned the background of my blog? This may be the last photo Shawn took. At the beginning of last school year, I had told some folks at work, how neat it would be to have a panel of the garage door painted using Shawn’s photo. It was told to me how difficult it would be.  One of my friends said she would be able to paint it, if I would bring a piece of wood. I had this round board, painted for another project. My friend was pleased and told me it was perfect. The project was put on hold due to the death of my friend’s  father.  She was going to be very busy dejunking his  house and readying it for sale. Then, my friend had hurt her back, while helping one of her passengers, near the end of  school year 2015-16. Barb Ward was able to return to work, the last week of school. You would not believe what she brought for me. She did an amazing job !!!20160619_145711.jpg~~~

This has been a rough school year. You see, I love constancy, in a huge way !!!  As it is, right now, I am to help out, in several ares at work, when I am not driving. The easiest way to explain is that my route is on a TBA list for a particular school. As soon as it is ready, I will have my complete schedule. I will know day to day my drive times and break times.  Thus, far, I have spent many hours taking care of miscellaneous tasks and not completing my own tasks.

By this time each year I have labeled my route sheets with notes,  for when another driver will have to drive my run. For instance, I have an area, on my run, that gets very foggy. So, I have come up with a fog count. I work with my passengers so they know when to count for the upcoming turn. I have other helpful labelings I do for my route book.

Thus far, this school year, I have spent a lot of time helping others and putting off my to dos. Next week, I am buckling down, I am going selfish. I am going to concentrate on my projects; like working on my ornaments, detailing my bus, making calls, getting beach decorations finished, etc.       I love routine.   I am not complaining. I am working hard at accepting that this is what God wants from me right now and I am going to do the best job I can, even if it means driving special needs routes. 

~~~

Last weekend, I was working diligently to sort the many photos and videos of Shawn, after the fire. They are in various locations. I am trying to get them all to one secure place. If relatives want to see them, they can ask.    You may not remember that Shawn had 73% deep tissue burns. There were not many areas untouched, on his body, by the fire.  I have mentioned how Shawn would rest his head-meaning cheek, on my hand.  I would switch from one side of the bed to the other, in hopes he would not get too achy, from being in one position. Shawn’s teeth were beautiful. Some parts of his thighs were okay, areas used for grafting.        Anyways, I do not know how to word this~~~as I was looking at some of the recording and photos, I was struck to the core of my being: Shawn did not look like Shawn. Here is where my awfulness comes in, I deserve to be nominated worst Mom, ever. As I gazed at the various images I heard myself say; “Shawn looked scary.” My baby ! How could  I have said such awfulness ? How could I ??? I loved him, so much.  How could I be so cruel ???

A photograph of Ronald Reagan as a young child. He is standing between his mother and older brother, Neil. Notice his Dutchboy haircut, from which he got the nickname, "Dutch."A photograph of Ronald Reagan as a young child. He is standing between his mother and older brother, Neil. Notice his Dutchboy haircut, from which he got the nickname, “Dutch.”

I was the only one who would hold his little left arm. I tried to fix his chapped lips. I would lightly touch his head~I did find his 8 gray hairs~the ones I first found when Shawn was 3 and I was giving him a dutch boy hair cut~it was so cute on him. We were living in my Gram and Gramp Million’s house in Milwaukie. We were on the covered back porch. I remember it so clearly. I remember finding those 8 stiff gray hairs. They stood straight up when the rest of Shawn’s hair lay flat. I remember when Shawn was in the hospital and his hair had started to grow back and I felt those gray hairs. Those precious gray hairs. Shawn’s body had worked so hard to recover from the fire. Who would have thought 8 gray hairs would be such a big deal ??? 

Why did I say Shawn looked scary ??? How wrong and awful of me !!!

 

 

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