Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges, PorQ

How I Hope~~~ November 12, 2016

hope


I have worked so hard to get Shawn photos sorted. It has been emotionally taxing. On my last group of  photos, I came across 3, which I had to enlarge for a better view. I kid you not, they were of times when Shawn was resting his cheek on my hand. I have no idea who took the photos or when. Those moments were very intense, as I was so exhausted. I had no other helpful thing I could  think of to do for my precious Shawner. How I hope my tired hand gave him some comfort. I will not share those photos. Shawn was so burned and I do not want his children to see them. Maybe when they are adults ???

~~~

I am reading a book: “A Son For Glory”, Job Through New Eyes, by Toby Sumpter. This is a quote from the top of  page 56:  “Yahweh of course knows what He is doing. He offers His son to be cut in order to be glorified. Just as Adam was cut, just as his rib was torn out, He offers Job so that He can create him again with more glory. In this way, we ought to understand Job as being “blameless” and “upright”as parallel to the evaluation of creation as  “good.” Job as he is introduced to us,is in the midst of creation. God sees Job and says that he is “good,” but we know how the Spirit loves to blow and divide and renew His “good” creation so that it can become “very good”.    Matthew West has a song; “Mended”. Do we get to see the “very good” that God is working in us ???

~~~

Stars Go Dim has a song; “Walking Like Giants”. One of the phrases,”through fire or rain”: I do not know why, but when I heard this phrase, I thought of Shawn. Well, before that I had heard another song about Jesus being beside us in the fire-I cannot figure out what song it was ??? BUT,  the tears came a gushing as I wondered: did Shawn feel God with was him, in the fire ??? I hope he didn’t fell alone. The fireman who recovered Shawn, found him in the fetal position. Truth be told, I think that position is what saved his life. How strange. Shawn’s birth was a very traumatic experience, for his little body. His death was a very traumatic experience, as well. Will I ever understand the why ???

~~~

Do you have a sanctuary ?  Do you have a safe or comfortable place ? Do you have a place where you can let your emotions flow freely, away from the rest of the world ? For some of us that space may be where we keep treasured memories, in hopes they (the memories of our loved ones) will never fade.

A friend was talking about her son’s room. You see, he died April 18, 2016. His Mom (Linda) was already at work when she received a call from her husband, Michael. Their son had died,  sometime, in the night. Michael had gone into Tim’s room to make sure he was getting ready for work or to say goodbye, as he was leaving for work. Something didn’t look right with Tim. Michael performed CPR, for some time, but he knew it was too late, by many minutes.

A few days before their son’s death, Linda and I had made plans for her to use my, Rug Doctor, before her upcoming surgery. Even though Michael and Linda were in the process of making arrangements for their son’s body, my friend still wanted to try and get ALL their carpets cleaned. I told her she could keep the machine as long as she needed.              One of our bus driving friends, her husband cleans carpets.  I was trying to find a way to be a support to them, as well.  So, the Comforts were going to clean my carpets. Comforts Carpet Cleaning Linda can go into Tim’s room and think about how to tidy it up.  It is still hard for Michael to walk past their son’s room. I think he is going through the PTSD part of grief because of his efforts of CPR on their son. I think, for quite some time, that room will be an agony for Michael.   Linda cleaned all their carpets, amazingly fast.                                  This past week when Linda and I were talking, she was mentioning some things she wanted to do in Tim’s room; like letting a friend  put up a TV up on the wall. Then Linda said that “Tim’s room is almost like a sanctuary”. Yep, she was right and then my mind started thinking. My little room has been my kind-0f sanctuary.                                                When our master bedroom became available, this past Memorial weekend, I never once thought what a great place for me to set up my exercise, sauna and craft things. Nope, I, immediately thought of making it into: Bob’s Project Room. I was able to move his things from my little room and fill the empty shelves with lot’s of my craft supplies. I hadn’t really put it together, but Linda was right.                                      You see, after Shawn died I couldn’t feel comfortable in our house. My counselor told me to find a room I could fix for myself . I had not realized until this past week that my little room is the room Shawn stayed in for a few weeks, several years ago, when he was trying to figure out where he was going to make home. His Grandmother, in Spokane, was dying so he went back to Spokane.   Why didn’t I  find ways to visit Shawn more or call more or do more for and with Shawn?         The room has a window that faces the west, and an alcove that fits my chair, a tiny shelf for my laptop and a footstool which holds my electric blanket. Someday when my menopause season, is over, I will once again enjoy my electric blanket.                 For whatever reason, since Shawn died, I have to have west facing views and curtains not closed.  So, for me, this little room is my safe place, a place where Shawn once slept, a room where I can freely shed tears and not worry about my emotions. A place where I can keep Shawn’s memory alive. Guess my counselor was right, that I needed a place of escape. My little room is a type of sanctuary~~~and there is nothing wrong with that !!!

~~~

porqs-blue-flower

Hello folks, PorQ here. Kathy mentioned going through photos. She has all my photos and videos, she just has not learned how to make various video helps to work. Plus, she has to do a fix on her Christmas card ornaments. All these things are extremely hard for Kathy, she will get it figured out, I just know it !!! PorQ signing out.

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